#50 The Neverending Story

I am happy to say I received The Neverending Story from Blockbuster.com this week. I am going to watch it keeping in mind how much I loved it when I was younger. However, I am fully expecting the special effects to look terrible.






For Instance, I am pretty sure Falkor: The Luck Dragon is going to look like a giant robotic dog with Showbiz Pizza quality of movement.







And I remember G'Mork freaking me out when I was a kid.










But if I am being honest, I must admit that my favorite character in this film is Morla: The Ancient One. If you do not remember her, she is basically the giant turtle who lives in the Swamp of Sadness. She is irritable and sneezes a lot.






Here is my problem. I worry that kids are going to miss out on this classic film because the technology used does not compare to fantasy movies of today. I feel like the old man telling his grandchildren how great movies were back in the day. But here is what I want to do. I want to come up with a list of movies, books, bands, TV shows that come from our childhood that today's kids are going to miss out on unless parent's take action now. I will start this list off. If I miss important things be sure to include them in the notes, as C. and other parents may need this list to keep important pieces of art from being forgotten.

Forgotten Art:

* The Neverending Story
* Flight of the Navigator
* Robinhood (The Disney Version)
* Knightrider
* Alf
* Pee Wee's Playhouse (even though I heard they are making this into a movie to come out within the next year. Not sure it has a chance of being as good as the show was, though)
* Q-Bert
* No Retreat No Surrender
* Steven Wright's comedy specials
* Space Camp
* Fraggle Rock

#49 Hall of Fame: Dirk

This weekend I taught my class at Eastfield College on the art of persuasion. I chose to structure the class as if we were going to build an argument on a controversial topic of today. By doing this, the students could see what sort of questions they need to ask when researching their topic, as well as figuring out how they want to devise a strategy to make their point. I wanted so badly to execute this exercise using the hot and imminent topic of healthcare reform. Basically I wanted to stand in front of the class and tell my students how their beloved Republican leaders prey on their fear and prejudices, and prove to them that with a little thought and research we would learn together that our healthcare reform is not the reincarnation of Stalin's communist Russia.

Instead, I chose a more important topic. As the moderator I divided the class into 2 groups and asked this question: Should Dirk be in the Hall of Fame?

As a class we discussed the criteria needed to get into the Hall of Fame and compared Dirk's career to this criteria. The exercise engaged most of the class and at the end we were able to address the both sides of the argument. I built a spread sheet so we could see how stats combined with championships and league MVPs affect a players ability to get into the Hall. Here is a taste of that spreadsheet:








As you can see, stats alone do not guarantee a spot in the Hall. Rolando Blackman has numbers equivalent with such inductees as James Worthy and Kevin McHale, but he lacks the championships. Mark Aguirre and Joe Dumars have the numbers and a championship, but they are not in the Hall. Horry and Kerr have many championships, but they do not have the numbers, and they are not in the hall. This is a heated controversy, a seemingly rationale situation riddled with the emotion and perception of fans all over the country.

Dirk's career is not over, and his numbers have the ability to grow to an indisputable level, but if he were to retire at the end of this year, would he make it into the coveted Hall of Fame?

I will say this concerning my class: A woman in my class has no idea who Dirk is. She has lived in Dallas the last 20 years but has been able to turn the channel before any talk of Mavericks basketball could be broadcasted into her living room. She says she hates athletes because they are spoiled and they are given free passes to be drug addicts. I respect her opinion though I completely disagree, however, I am sure Stern will find a way to get this woman on the voting committee when Dirk becomes eligible for the Hall of Fame.

#48 Random Movie Post

Over the last couple of months I have watched some random movies. The definition of random, as it pertains to this post, refers to movies I watched that were not highly publicized or did not just come out. The following is a list of some of these movies:

Boys Don't Cry: An interesting and dark movie that most people will not find much interest in. Hilary Swank won an academy award for her performance and was good in it, but the movie in general is not easy to watch. If you like longer, slower movies, then this is one you should check out. Or, if you like movies about a girl from a trailer park dressing up like a boy in an attempt to seduce other girls from trailer parks, then you might also want to check this out.

Diggers: This is a drama with Paul Rudd, Ron Eldard and Maura Tierney. It is trying to be a serious and funny look at the life of 4 clam diggers in the New York area in the 70's/80's. Was boring and tough to watch. Don't let your love for Paul Rudd lead to you giving this one a try.

Chaplin: A biographical look at the life and work of Charlie Chaplin with Robert Downey Jr. A fine movie, but slow at times. If you like biographies, period pieces or movies that glorify the history of film, this is a movie you should check out. Or if you remember the good ole days before sound ruined movies, then you might like the nostalgia of this one.

The Crucible: Winona Ryder and Daniel Day Lewis square off in colonial America in this film based on the award winning play by Arthur Miller. Actually, I do not know if the play won any awards, but I think maybe it should have. The movie is long and many aspects of the story are drawn out for dramatic purposes. At some points the tragedy and dialogue become excruciatingly Shakespearean, but all in all the movie was fine. That said, I would not necessarily suggest this film to anyone else, as it does take effort to watch and many people do not like giving effort to watch a movie.

The Piano: Another colonial drama with Holly Hunter and Harvey Keitel. This movie is slow and boring, but I liked it very much. It is a strange love story set in a realistically brutal colonial America, but the real draw for this film is the fact you get to see Harvey's penis for minutes at a time. You also get to see Holly Hunter naked, but it is not quite as captivating as Harvey Keitel. There is something about seeing The Wolf naked that makes an entire long, boring movie worthwhile.

Ethan Frome: Another colonial drama with Liam Neeson. Though long and boring, this film had potential. Ultimately, it is too long and too slow for me to endorse publicly. Anyone who watches this because I tell them to would no longer listen to my thoughts on movies. So, be warned. Long and boring with a payoff that is lackluster.

The French Connection: An old movie with Gene Hackman that I watched late night by myself after the family went to bed. I must say I enjoyed this police drama immensely. It followed many of the police drama cliches, but I cannot help but wonder if this film is responsible for many of these cliches. Hackman rocked as a gritty, down to earth detective and though the movie suffers from 1970's technology, is definitely worth the time it takes to watch.

Moon: A new movie with Sam Rockwell. Did not get much publicity, but is a cool sci-fi that strives to be like 2001 but is different enough to make an impact. Is somewhat slow, but the style works and the film should have enough going on to keep you paying attention. You should watch this movie.

My Sassy Girl: A cheesy romance movie that came out in 2008 (or sometime recently) with Elisha Cuthbert. The main dude in the movie is a terrible actor and the story is pretty much standard, but there were moments in the movie that were not too bad, if you like cheesy, romance movies. Not the wittiest of films and not one I would watch again, but if your significant other likes these sorts of movies it was one I could sit through. Be warned, the main dude is not good at acting.

Tyson: I watched the documentary on Mike Tyson that recently came out and was happy with it. Tyson is an interesting figure who dominated a sport for almost a decade. His life is interesting, especially if you wonder what it takes to be a dominant boxer. If you like sports, you should watch this. If you hate sports and documentaries bore you, then you should skip this one.

Days of Heaven: Richard Gere is a traveling worker in early 1900's America who comes up with a plan to get rich by having his woman marry a rich landowner he thinks is about to die from illness. The movie is not terrible, but this fits the category of long and boring, and so I cannot endorse it here for many of you. If you really like period pieces then you can check this one out. And you must really like period pieces, because this movie is not easy to watch.

The Escapist: A british jail movie about some guys planning an escape. It has Brian Cox and Joseph Fiennes in it and is a good movie. The only problem I had was sometimes understanding what they are saying because the accents are too thick. By the end of the movie, I watched with subtitles on. If this is a concern, you may want to skip it. But I like this one and think you should watch it.

Age of Innocence: Martin Scorcese directs Daniel Day Lewis and Michelle Pfeifer in this early American Aristocratic love story set in New York at the turn of the century. Definitely long and boring and at many points pointless. However, I was able to enjoy this one in ways I could not with films like Ethan Frome, Days of Heaven and The Crucible. I would not suggest this one for everyone, but if you love Martin Scorcese and you want to see his attempt at a period piece love story, then rent this one. Otherwise, I would consider finding something else.

Flight of the Navigator: I watched this with Liz and Stephen and must say it is a crappy 80's movie I loved when I was a kid, and thus enjoyed for nostalgic reasons now. If you remember this movie and have not seen it since you were a kid, then rent this and Howard the Duck immediately and make a nice weekend out of it. Otherwise you will be watching a crappy 80's movie and you will probably be mad at me.

The Damn United: An English film about a soccer coach from the 70's taking over the best team in the English Premier league. A nice sports film that focuses on the coaching rivalry of England's top 2 coaches in the 70's Don Revie and Brian Clough. The acting in this film is top notch, and you do not have to be a soccer fan to enjoy this one. In fact, I might suggest that the more knowledge you have about soccer the more the film's lack of soccer knowledge is exposed. I suggest this film for anyone who likes a good sports film, and this might be the best soccer film since Victory. Definitely better than Ladybugs.

If you have seen any random movies you feel I should check out or avoid, let me know here.

#47 Stephen's Wedding

My younger brother Stephen got married on March 6. It has been almost 2 weeks, much too long for me not to have posted my thoughts on the wedding and the marriage. So, here they are:

Marriage:
I couldn't be happier about the marriage. I think Stephen is built for marriage and I love Meghan a great deal. Here is a short list of the things I love about Meghan. She thinks about the future in ways Stephen does not. She understands and respects family. She is fun to be around. She is laid back and can have fun in all sorts of situations. She is beautiful. She is down to earth. She likes to sing New York, New York when she gets tipsy. She is passionate about things and she brings out Stephen's passion. This is something I have not seen with Stephen in his previous relationships. I have not seen Stephen happier in his life, and Stephen is generally a happy person. She puts up with Stephen's quirks (like watching and singing Pete's Dragon at 4 am), and on some level finds humor with them. She has a championship dance. She likes to take and be in pictures. She gives so much of herself in a world of takers. She has a strong spirit that I have not seen waver. Most importantly, she thinks I am funny.

Wedding:
The wedding weekend went well. Instead of telling a long narrative that would most likely fail to capture the grandeur of the event, I will list the things I remember and will want to look back on in the future.

* Britt asking me about the weird looking guy in the corner of the rehearsal dinner and me jokingly reply that we invited Sam Houston to the dinner.
* Joe introducing Sam Houston to the room.
* Joe whispering in Sam's ear "the guy wearing the tie behind you" as Sam is about to make his speech.
* Sam giving Stephen and Meghan a set of steak knives and talking at length about a Rose Emporium somewhere in Texas.
* Joe having each person in the room stand up and introduce himself/herself starting with Britt.
* Seeing Myra Jane enjoy a Corona with a lime.
* The two moving speeches given by Joe and Dan.
* Seeing Ashley, Amanda and Natalie pretty much grown up.
* Taking a nasty tequila shot at the hotel bar after dinner.
* Joe's introduction of Charles late night at the hotel bar.
* Joe and Garrett reliving high school glories. And by glories I mean Garrett whiffing on a crucial play in a district championship caliber game.
* Garrett's hairline touch up that extended to the middle of his head.
* The swankiest Men's Wearhouse in Houston and the hour and half drive it took us to get there. Not to mention the outfits worn by the service women inside that made me feel like I was at a cheap whorehouse somewhere in the middle of Mexico.
* Sitting in the convertible with Stephen while the top was being pummeled for 3 minutes straight by the all inclusive car wash.
* The horrible drawing of Stephen and his happy trail inside the church dressing room.
* Seeing Garrett's hairline touch up job after he put his tux on.
* Watching Mom and Beverly realize how similar their dresses were.
* Matthew's camo hat at the ceremony
* Watching Stephen watching Meghan walk down the aisle.
* Listening to Scott read the letters to Stephen and Meghan written by all the parents during the ceremony.
* The DJ at the wedding filling the dance floor simply by mentioning a relationship between how many children Stephen and Meghan will have based on the number of people on the dance floor for the first song.
* Giving my speech to Stephen and Meghan at the reception.
* Cody giving a cooler speech to Stephen and Meghan at the reception.
* Cody saying that when he first heard about Stephen and Meghan he thought tentatively to himself, "Okay?" But after getting to know Meghan he thought, "All right!" While extending a thumb's up.
* Liz having so much fun on the dance floor.
* Britt and Elissa performing The Devil Went Down to Georgia while we clapped and sang the chorus.
* Seeing Johnny and Brandon at the wedding and getting to catch up with them a little.
* Stephen on the dance floor surrounded by Dan's sisters.
* Salena dancing and sleeping at the same time.
* Watching Jeremy dancing with Kylie.
* One of Dan's sister's introducing herself to me as Dan's Brother.
* Making drinks for 90 people at the after party.
* Talking with Jules about buying some property in New Orleans
* Listening to Elissa play Irish music on the violin.
* Hearing that Stephen and Meghan made it back to the hotel around 2:30 in the morning to find Britt and Joe sitting outside talking, where they had been for several hours after the wedding.

I may have forgotten memorable events worth mentioning. Now is your chance to complete this blog posting. Use the notes portion to post additional tidbits that need to be included.

#46 Even More Bathroom Humor

2 nights ago I worked until the cleaning people came. They own the loudest vacuums in the world, and they do not care what you are doing, they are going to work until this place is quasi-clean. I needed to use the bathroom. #2. A cleaning lady entered while I was in there. I heard the door open followed by the rustling of garbage bags. I knew it was a woman because I have only seen cleaning women. I listened, hoping she would change the garbage bins and be done. She was not. I listened as she cleaned the counter tops and entered the stall next to me. I finished my thing and decided I had to leave. I walked out and she was standing right outside the stall waiting for me to finish. As I exited the stall she avoided making eye contact. I think that was the closest I have ever been to a woman while I was going to the bathroom. And I am forced to wonder, did she and I share an intimate moment, one that places her closer to me than anyone else in the world. Or does she just really hate her job enough to stand outside a stall in the men's restroom to save herself from leaving and coming back?

#44 Blackout

We've been without electricity the last three days. In an attempt to make a long story short:

We noticed our monthly bill being too low and called to inquire what was going on. Sounds strange to do this, but the bill was $10, and there is no way our electric bill could ever be $10. And we considered the possibility that this was some new electric company scheme to penalize you for paying too low. We called 2 months in a row, and 2 months later they sent someone out. A month later they cut our electricity off saying we needed to fix our bypass handle on the outside meter before we would get electricity. We complained that they did not notify us or give us time or explain to us what was going on. They returned power to our house, but a couple of weeks later turned our power off again.

We had scheduled the electrician to come, but Oncor would not return power to us until it was repaired. The next morning our electrician fixed the problem and we scheduled the reconnect with Oncor, who said it would be done that day. When I got home from work they informed me the reconnect had been cancelled.

I yelled and cussed at the lady who hung up on me. I called back and explained my frustration to the next person who rescheduled my reconnect. The next day at lunch when we did not have power restored I called and asked the status of our reconnect. The lady on the phone told me that our reconnect had been denied because we did not have an inspection, and that it would take a couple of days to schedule an inspection. She went on to say that since we had been denied our reconnect, our next order would take a couple of days. It was Oncor's way of punishing us for a bogus reconnect order.

The situation was not good, and has since been taken care of. I do not know what our possible recourse is for how badly we have been treated throughout this process...especially considering we were the ones to notify them of the problem. They acted as though they caught us tampering with the meter outside to avoid service (which is a felony). They did not catch us. We reported it the first time our bill was unrealistic.

On Tuesday night I sat in the living room, in the dark. I told L. not to come home. She stayed late at her office and eventually went to a nearby friend's house. I stayed at the house because Oncor told me someone was coming out and that they would contact me to go over the situation surrounding our meter. I decided to play my guitar, which I have not played since moving back to Dallas. Unfortunately my fingernails were longer than I wanted.

I carried the largest candle I had into the bathroom to cut my fingernails by candlelight. This was one of the scariest moments I have recently experienced. Felt like the guy in the movies who is trying to disarm a bomb at the local elementary school, the moment before he was to cut the green wire. I positioned my fingernail between the iron teeth of the clippers and wondered if I perhaps went too deep with the clippers. I worried that squeezing the handle might cause the explosion of pain that occurs when you cut your nails too short. I moved my fingers closer to the candle, but it did no good. I could not see well enough.

Ultimately I cut my nails, only causing pain once, and I played 3 hours of guitar in the dark. The guy did not show up and the next day when I called the lady on the phone told me the evening technician decided to pass our house on to the morning crew.

#45 Financial Fiasco

Last week I spent time organizing my brother's bachelor party. I have many thoughts on bachelor parties and on my brother's impending marriage that I would like address further at a later date, but for now I would like to stick with one aspect of my preparation: The Bachelor Party Cake.

I do not think I have been to a bachelor party where there was a cake, but I decided to make one for the upcoming lakehouse trip. Basically I want to bake a cake where I draw a large and graphic picture of a vagina out of icing and sprinkles. I want the picture to be grotesque. I am going for shock value. And I think my attempt to do this using basic icing drawing will be just as funny as the idea itself (which may not be that funny at all). The main reason I came up with this idea is through some of the information I heard that came from the bachelorette party. The girls had fun with their penis theme, so I want to try and give Stephen a memory as well. A giant Vagina cake is all I could come up with.

Saturday night I realized how soon the party is coming up and decided I would figure out how I wanted to draw a vagina using as few lines as possible so that I could translate it to a cake sometime this week. I brought out my sketch pad and made a few ragged attempts. I have no experience with this sort of drawing and as you can imagine the result looked terrible and hilarious. I made myself laugh at how bad it was coming out and was in the process of abandoning the entire thing, which is probably the right move to make. L. glanced over my shoulder at my sketch pad and slowly shook her head. She said, "You got it all wrong. You are trying too hard."

She grabbed a loose piece of paper from the coffee table and with 6 basic lines drew a hairy vagina with a giant penis aimed right for it. She said, "This is basically what you need." And she was right. She stayed simple and she got the result from me I was hoping to get from Stephen. I said, "That is gigantic and awesome! That is what I want on his Bachelor Cake!" I will send a follow up of how the cake looks and how it is received at the Bachelor Party. I may even include a picture.

On Sunday, we had a meeting with a financial planner. This is the second of 4 meetings in which we are gathering information about how we would like to proceed with our future finances. It is somewhat stressful and has required us gathering a lot of information and truly looking deep into our behavior as it relates to our spending habits. It has also forced us to look to the future, in ways I have not done before. Having a integrated and diversified plan in order to have retirement properly saved is an arduous task, and one I have not been enjoying.

Armed with a binder full of statements, bills, mortgage documents, bank account info and many pay stubs we drove to Addison to meet with our financial planner. We explained how new we are to all of this and how we want to be smart without sacrificing our current life experience. She assured us we will look at the situation thoroughly and make choices that will make us happy as well as benefit us long term. She said it would take some time and patience, but if we stay focused with her we would learn much and begin making good financial decisions from here on out.

She began with our liabilities. She thumbed through all the credit card statements we had gathered and our mortgage documents we brought, all the while me feeling vulnerable and embarrassed at some of the purchases I've made in the past 6 months. Next, she went through our student loans. L. has some major loans, while I have one that should be paid off within the next 6 months. The interest rates are reasonable, but still as she added the monthly numbers up I could see that our ability to save dwindled with each statement she looked through.

And then she grabbed my pay stub. She looked at my 401K contribution and my monthly net figures, and that is when I noticed a gigantic vagina with a gigantic penis aimed directly for it on the back of the page she held in her hand. I said, "oh no." L. heard me and asked what was wrong. She thought someone had texted me the Mavericks score to the game I DVRed. I pointed to the back of the page and she blurted out, "Oh shit!" Our planner asked what was wrong.

I asked if I could see the pages in her hand, to make sure what she was looking at was indeed the correct document I meant to print out. She said, "Are you afraid I might see that drawing?"

"Yes," I said.

She said, "It's too late. I already saw it."

I said, "I am so sorry. There is a reason for the drawing, albeit not a good reason, but my brother has a bachelor party coming up and I am organizing lame games for us to play."

She laughed and said, "Boys will be boys." And then she continued to say, "It is strange that you chose your financial documents to do these drawings."

I agreed with her. It was strange. And I feel like it was completely inappropriate. We'll see if she calls us back for our 3rd meeting out of 4, or if we will have to find another financial planner.

#43 Makeshift Memorial

A student in Tyler, TX murdered a teacher yesterday. Stabbed him in the neck for no apparent reason. Today an article read, "A makeshift memorial surrounded a flagpole Thursday at a high school where classes resumed under tight security a day after a teacher was fatally stabbed."

My brother, Stephen, teaches at this school. He tells me about how many fights occur daily and of the complete lack of respect students have for teachers. Stephen was threatened by a student the day before the murder. Stephen stopped the student from disrupting his class, of which the student was not even a member. A teacher cannot keep order in such an environment. A teacher cannot be made responsible for teaching others when brutal death is a very real possibility.

I cannot wrap my mind around how bad a situation this is. Something serious must be done. The lines that divide and decide districting of schools in Tyler are such to keep the lower socioeconomic classes from mixing with the middle-upper classes. This idea is fundamentally incorrect. Why not call those young men and women born in those neighborhoods criminals and ship them to Australia? I realize bad things happen, and I realize we cannot let knee jerk reactions dictate education policy. However, it has been a well known fact the state of this school for many years, otherwise the district lines would not be drawn as they are and the students forced to endure this school would not enter class knowing that education is not the their primary purpose.

A teacher lost his life. Those students lost their chance for an education. And when the worst possible situation occurs we throw together a "makeshift memorial" and keep things moving in the same miserable direction.

#42 First Day

The most interesting aspect of a first day of work is learning where I will be going to the bathroom for the next couple of years. Wish me luck...

#41 Prank

I have only three days of work in Tyler left. Crazy how chapters in life sometimes begin and end abruptly. The final days at a job are awkward and lazy, and even though I sad about leaving KLTV, I am happy about moving to Dallas. These thoughts and others flowed through my mind as I left my house this morning to go to work. Until I saw my car...



















My neighbor saw me hosing my car down this morning. I nodded to him while thinking, "just hosing off some penises from my car."

When I arrived at work a coworker pointed out the large amount of powder on my shoes and pant leg. I apologized and told them someone pranked me. My boss walked by at this point and asked what happened. I dropped my head in shame as I heard these words come out of my mouth, "Some friends poured baby powder all over my car and drew a lot of penises."

# 40 Darkness...More Bathroom Humor

This story just happened and is slightly embarassing. And definitely not a good predicament to be in.

I had to use the bathroom. #2. I went to the normal bathroom to discover it was occupied. We have an upstairs counterpart that was also occupied. That left me with one final and rarely used option...the executive bathrooms. They are so named because they are upstairs at the back of the building next to the GM of the station, a corporate VP and the head of our accounting department.

I locked myself in and preceded to do my business when I heard several doors closing just outside the bathroom. Suddenly the light went out. I thought this might be a prank so I waited patiently for a moment. I did not hear anyone outside snickering and the light did not come back on. I reached for my phone to use as a light source and discovered it was not in my pocket. I'd left it on my desk.

Darkness. I took a deep breath and weighed my options. I did not have many. I could either finish and clean myself in the dark, or I could pinch and find a light switch immediately. Neither sounded good to me. Despite the claustrophobia of darkness, I chose to finish.

Just as a side note: There are not many things stranger than pooping in the dark.

Anyway, I finished and cleaned myself the best I could without seeing what I was cleaning. I think I erred on the side of caution because my culo is a bit raw as I type this out. So, I finished and quickly searched the walls for a switch. I flailed in the dark like a blind person and enjoyed no success. I opened the door into another room of darkness, the hall that housed the entrance into the two bathrooms. I searched the walls for another switch and came up empty once again. I went out the second door and found light for the first time in three or four minutes.

On the wall were several light switches. I turned them all on and returned to the bathroom so that I could immediately check my cleaning job. Thankfully, I did a good job. I flushed, and there was a moment when I was not sure whether the toilet would flush cleanly because of the amount of TP I'd used. Thankfully, it went down.

All of this happened because the head of accounting closed the executive bathrooms down a little early without checking to see if the bathrooms were being used. Even though there was a moment of panic, and a few moments of blind wiping, I left the situation with nothing more than a raw culo, and the understanding not to use the executive bathrooms around 5 pm.

#39 Judging BBQ

This happened awhile ago, but just got down to writing the blog...

Chris and I visited the live stock show and rodeo in Houston, TX to judge BBQ. He was Clay Alexander. I was Brad Shaw. We were new at the whole rodeo thing and are generally not too bright, so we drove around the astrodome a few times looking for our assigned parking lot. We approached the entrance holding our judging papers. Chris asked me if we could get in trouble for impersonating two dudes from Tyler. I told him it seemed likely.

We planned to present the paper work and tell them our names, but if they asked for IDs we would claim to have left them in the car. The worst case scenario being we drove to the astrodome for no reason. We approached the entrance and they told us to go in. We asked where to go and they pointed us to the information booth. The information booth pointed to small walkway a 100 yards from the booth and said the sign in table would be "back that way". We followed the walkway to a tent entrance. We stood there for a few minutes, watching as the police at the gate checked IDs of everyone who entered. I asked Chris if he remembered that he was Clay. He said he did.

We walked tentatively to the cops who asked us if we were judges. He pointed us to another tent and said, "Over there."

We entered the tent to find several old ladies with checklists and name tags. We told them our names: Brad Shaw and Clay Alexander. While one searched the checklist the other asked where we lived. I said, "Tyler." We received our name tags and instructions and entered the drinking tent. We ordered bloody marys and margaritas until it was our turn to judge BBQ.

Once inside the judging tent we received Judging Aprons. I thought this was cool and was happy to receive an apron to commemorate my involvment. Now that it is over I do not have a place to put the apron and cannot think of a time I will wear it, but at the time I was excited to receive it. We sat down and received our instructions from a guy with a microphone. His name was John Alexander, and we wondered if he was in any way related to Chris, who was Clay Alexander.

Each container of BBQ had a card with it, and after each taste we, as judges, had to fill out and sign the card. I had to taste each piece of Chicken, Rib, or Brisket while reminding myself that my name is actually Brad Shaw.

A guy with a camera took a picture of me with a mouthful of BBQ. I laughed at the thought of Brad Shaw's picture being in a publication. He saw me laugh and said, "You liked that, didn't you?" I said, "Just make sure you get the name right. I'm Brad Shaw."

Afterward Chris and I stood outside the tent and finished our drinks. We were two dudes who judged BBQ. Our work was done and we were stuffed.

The moral of the story: It was fun to judge BBQ, but not really all that much fun.

# 38 Random Facts

25 random facts about Hardy…

1) When I was in 2nd grade our teacher asked, “If you are trapped on a deserted island and can only have 1 meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?” I wrote down: Cheese Enchiladas… How wrong I was.

2) I cannot control myself around these foods: Pizza, Tomato Basil Soup from La Madeleine, BBQ Ribs, Onion Rings/Bloomin Onion, Flaming Hot Cheetohs, most of L.s desserts.

3) Some people call me a movie snob, but they are wrong. I just have a low threshold for movies that are complete shyte.

4) I used to love my cats. Now they annoy me.

5) The first time I knew my marriage would be successful came when I helped L. complete yearbook pages for Taylor Publishing. We worked many nights until late in the morning. I would be happy when more pages came in the mail because I looked forward to working with L. I knew then that marriages take a lot of work, and knew myself to be lucky finding someone I enjoyed working with.

6) I love L. for many reasons. One of them: she believed in me enough to by me a laptop when I told her I wanted to devote my life to writing.

7) I am not afraid of getting older, but have not come to terms with death yet.

8) Not concerned with how much I like to drink. The thought of a bottle of wine on the weekend can get me through the toughest of weeks.

9) When I hear music I listened to growing up it makes me laugh. Most of it is bad and I remember exhausting my friends and family by forcing them to listen. I will say this, though: I still stand by Rush, Yes, Jethro Tull. Not so much Styx, 311, Neil Diamond.

10) Before I met L. I drank every night of the week. I am thankful that part of my life is over.

11) Katrina once said that she and I are the 2 funniest people in the world. I completely agree.

12) L.’s unflattering impression of me makes me laugh, even though sometimes I can see myself in it.

13) I do not like dressing up for Halloween, yet every year I get humiliating pictures taken of me wearing something that makes me look stupid.

14) I love my wiener dog, but think my wife’s love for the thing is slightly insane.

15) I like to make chicken noises right before taking a photograph.

16) I eventually want to have kids, but am not looking forward to the baby years. I would like to fast forward to the age when they argue with everything and can occasionally entertain themselves.

17) I believe my family is the strangest in the world. So strange, in fact, I cannot see how I came out being any sort of normal.

18) In junior high Chris and I started a lawn mowing business and got screwed by this Arabian guy who only paid us $35 for mowing a 2 acre lot that was over grown beyond belief. It took us 3 days, and was the only time I had ever seen Chris’s mom so angry. In the guy’s defense we were the morons who quoted $35. But he was the prick for knowingly taking advantage of two moron kids.

19) If and when I publish a novel it will be under a pen name: Alexander Mori.

20) The lakehouse may be the only place I feel personal reverence. Many important memories come from there…

21) In high school we used to sit on my roof late at night when my family was not home. Among the things we did to entertain ourselves on the roof: Discuss song lyrics, smoke many cigarettes, pee without falling off, write poetry in the moonlight, look at the globe (which Chris could not see), and once we ran the length of the house.

22) The worst year of my life occurred my second year of college when I moved back to Houston and lived with my mom. Last year was my best. I expect each to get better from here on out.

23) The worst job I ever had was the summer I worked for the TXDOT. Among the things I did at this job: pick up dead dog carcasses (1032’s), fill pot holes on busy streets, spray weeds on steep embankments, trim trees off the feeders, hang out at Ned’s house playing guitar, listening to Johnson yell obscenities at women, throw rubber rings at cones for points, run bums out from underpasses using a pitchfork. At the end of each work day Craig and I drank 1 or 2 forties while listening to The Beatles and playing basketball on the play station 2.

24) I have been called many things throughout the years. Here are a few I remember: hardebega, hardly, hardy har har stennis tennis bumblebutt Boydston, hardsababula (this one never made sense to me), hard boy, Jesus, Flumley, Hardyman, Harvey Boydstein, Boydfogger, Hammy

25) I still get into arguments with my dad about evolution, and he worries that I will go to hell for thinking we descended from monkeys…even though I try to explain to him this is not the essence or the reality of evolution.

Kingfisher: A Small Account of the Struggle (2)

First Rehearsal:

We set up our equipment in Tiffany’s dining room and discussed possible songs to play. Because of Jay we stuck with almost pure blues…1,4,5…We played through 11-12 songs. Craig recorded our session on his computer and made a list of the songs we played and discussed learning. He did not wear his goofy hat or the Hawaiian shirt to the first rehearsal.

I sounded bad. I played on a new bass I just spent several hundred dollars on. I played catch up. I struggled finding the location of the song and did not know scales well enough to play riffs that matched what the guitar was doing. Tiffany sounded good. DW was fine. Jay got excited each time he got the chance to sing or play a solo. He loved playing the blues

[Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues…]

Out of the first 11-12 songs only one sounded good. Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone. Was a little messy, but sounded good enough to demonstrate our potential and give us hope. Manager Craig burned a CD of the first rehearsal. L. listened to it and decided Jay should not sing too much.

Kingfisher: A Small Account of the Struggle (1)

The Formation:

Craig called me on my office phone and asked me how interested I would be in joining a band. He outlined for me how the idea came to him. He acquired for a very reasonable price a 16-track mixer with 2 large speakers, several mics, XLR cords, amp for the mixer, 1/4 inch guitar cords, mic stands, extension cords, lights and other things he did not know what to do with. While storing things at his sister’s house they decided to turn her spare room into a recording studio.

Craig phoned me because he knew me to be a musician. He gauged my interest and assured me my lack of band experience would not be a problem. He asked me if I wanted to be the bass player. I am a guitar player and had little experience playing bass, but Craig’s idea of forming a band intrigued me enough to attend the first band meeting.

We met at Tiffany’s house. Tiffany is Craig sister and recently moved back to Texas to be closer to her family. Craig wore a Hawaiian shirt and a goofy straw hat, even though it was September. We sat around the table waiting for the musicians to show up. While we waited, Tiffany passed out beers and dealt a deck of playing cards with naked men on the back of them. The naked men held their cocks in their hands and posed in an 80’s macho, smug sort of way. Many of the men had mustaches and some of them wore cowboy hats. None wore Hawaiian shirts with a goofy straw hat. Tiffany laughed at us because she could see how distracted and uncomfortable we were playing “hi/low” with this deck of cards.

After everyone showed up, Craig called the meeting to order and introduced the prospective members of the band to each other:

Tiffany: Singer. 34. Single and living with her dog Maverick. Background in theater. Charismatic singer with a strong voice and an outrageously fun personality. She loves football and playing hi/low. Never played in a band before. Can win anyone over with her smile and her positive energy.

Jay: Large guy. Blues guitar and singer/songwriter. Introverted, perverted, and talented guitar player. Unemployed screenwriter. Experienced working on B-Movies, low-budget indies, and porn. Plays on an old amp. Guitar named Albatross. Nasally voice. Spills beer on his shirt. Does not feel comfortable in crowds larger than five people, but will dominate a group less than five. He chews gum when he is on stage. Always wears black jeans and a black t-shirt. Has a brown tweed blazer when it is too cold for a t-shirt.

DW: Professional quality drummer playing in several bands. Wants to make money playing music and is good enough to do it. An attractive guy who took one look at this project and knew there was no chance. He did not take this opportunity seriously, but was polite to the group.

Hardy: Guitarist changed to bassist. Out of his league. Never played organized bass before and very little experience playing organized music.

Craig: Manager. Getting his business off the ground. Many irons in the fire. Motivated. The only one of us with a child. A serious love of music. Enjoys the technical side as well as the artistic.

We sat around the table discussing our goals, inspirations and skills. Occasionally the conversation would be broken up by Tiffany flipping over a card picturing a naked man holding his penis in a humorous pose.

#37 A Trip Down Memory Lane, Restaurant Style

I smelled someone cooking food in our office kitchen that smelled very much like the King Ranch Casserole served at the Great Charcoal Chicken in Houston, TX...the first restaurant I worked at. I immediately craved it and decided I would like to make it sometime soon. This got me thinking about all the restaurants I worked at, and inspired me to think of the one dish I would love to eat from each one.

The Great Charcoal Chicken: I already mentioned the King Ranch Casserole from Charcoal Chicken, but I would also like to have their lemon pepper chicken sandwich. I ate many of those the year I worked there, and I took that recipe with me to college, where I averaged 6 lemon pepper chicken sandwiches per week in my third year (2 sandwiches per meal, 3 meals a week).

Casa Ole: I do not have anything positive to say about Casa Ole, and have not eaten there since I quit my job many years ago. I honestly cannot think of anything there I liked eating. I ate fajitas mostly, but remember Dugat liking the Flameado, which made me sick the one time I tried it. They have decent green sauce.

Chili's: I have many things I like from Chili's, but there is definitely one meal that stands out. I love the Cajun Chicken Sandwich with a side of Blossum sauce. However, because of the fat content of their awesome blossum they were forced to discontinue the appetizer, which forced them to abandon the sauce. The sandwich is not the same without the sauce. So now I look to the Chicken Ranch Sandwich, which is almost as good. Plus, I cannot forget the El Presidente Margarita and the Texas Eggrolls.

Ninfa's (Waco): I worked more than 3 years at the Ninfa's in Waco, and thus have many meals I must mention. My most common meal, and the one I get when I visit Waco now is the Fajitas Ala Berry. This is one of the best meals ever. I have tried to recreate it and failed miserably. My second favorite meal at Ninfa's Waco is their Ribs (The Rico, I think). I get Ratones (Peppers stuffed with shrimp and cheese and deep fried) as an appetizer and get the full rack of ribs for my meal. Ninfa's is a Mexican food restaurant, but this particular one offers the best ribs I have ever had. Do not forget the margaritas. I would also get 2 sangria swirled frozen margaritas, and hope that Lisa was not walking around so I would not have to talk to her.

PF Chang's : My final restaurant is PF Chang's. I worked at the PF Chang's in Dallas for a month before beginning my marketing career at TSM Skyline. My go to meal here is easy. The restaurant is family style so I can order many things and share them with the table. I would get the lettuce wraps for an appetizer, of course. For my meal I would order Crispy Honey Shrimp, Kung Pao Scallops, Mongolian Beef and Vegeterian Lo Mein.

That all sounds so good right now, doesn't it? I would love to do any or all of these this weekend. Instead, I am going home and will eat a sandwich with a side salad.

#36 Johnny Wedding

L. and I went to Johnny's wedding this weekend. We sat on the groom's side of the aisle, and as the ceremony commenced my mind began to wander. I did not think of the things you might expect: Johnny eating more than 20 something hot dogs at our camping trip, the numerous times he passed out early at a party and had tortuous things photographed around him while he slept, Johnny spilling food all over himself, the time he put on a shirt his dog urinated on and when someone said "that shirt has pee all over it" he responded by saying, "I wondered what that smell was." I did not think of these things, nor did I wonder how he found a girl who would love him despite his drastic idiosyncracies.

Instead, I wondered how long we would have to be at the wedding. I do not care for most weddings. I like the idea of people being married, and I like a good party. I enjoy being there when I truly care for the people being united. But I do not like the churchesque proper quality that exist with most weddings. Especially when I do not really care about the bride and groom. And I am not impressed by the tired traditions involved in a wedding (cutting of the cake, first dance, the toasts). I like the bouquet toss, but only because it is funny to watch girls scramble around the dance floor.

I suppose my point is: people should only go to weddings that they want to go to. When there are people like me there (and there were many like that at this wedding) most of the time is spent sitting or standing around. No momentum or granduer builds up. I felt guilty going and not adding to the effect. Instead, my lack of enthusiasm took away from the experience for everyone.

I suppose the counter argument for this mentality is: The Wedding is not for the attendees. It is for the bride. The dumb guys who do not care to go need to suck it up and take one for the team...the team being the other guys, because eventually most of us will be married and we will need our wives to be happy at having a successful wedding.

All of this to say, I took one for the team this time. And I appreciate all of you who took one for my team.

#35 Guitar Nightmare

A veteran sales rep at the station learned on the day of my first interview that I play guitar and bass. Since my first day here, nearly 2 years ago, he has asked me every other week to play guitar with him and 6 friends. They get together and sit in a circle taking turns playing songs. The group ranges in talent level, 2 of the guys just now learning to play the guitar.

The idea sounds fine, and I am all for musicians jamming together when at all possible. However, the group of intstruments represented are as follows: 3 guitars, 2 of them inexperienced, 1 fiddle (he calls it a fiddle not a violin), 1 harmonica, 1 banjo. I am not interested in bluegrass, and we cannot play Tejano without an accordian. So, you can see why I have been conveniently busy each day they get together.

Yesterday this Sales Rep entered the station with one of our most consistent advertisers. He also spends a good deal of money with us. I was introduced to the man with my boss in the same room. The man responded with, "Is this the guy whose wife never let's him play guitar with us?" The sales rep answered in front of my boss, "Sure is."

Just for the record, my wife has nothing to do with me not playing guitar with the group.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting my boss said, "You should go play with them. He has been talking about it now for 2 years." I said, "I will have to see what the wife has scheduled, because I am pretty sure we have something going on that day."

#34 Possible Work Regret

I work with a small law firm in Tyler. I got them on the air for the first time in November. I helped him write and produce two commercials and placed them on my station with a heavy schedule, assuring him that his advertising campaign would be successful.

It was not. He received a couple of calls the first week, one turned into a client, but then he received no calls whatsoever. He pulled the final two weeks of his schedule off of the air because he did not feel comfortable spending money without the return.

I was not ready to give up on him. If we figure out how to make his ad dollars work for him, it would mean a long term client advertising with me. So I compiled an analysis of where his spots ran, how many ran, what the message of each spot was and compared them to other successful lawyers advertising on TV. Through my analysis, which I ran by my sales manager, I determined that we did not focus the dollars on the right times throughout the day.

I just left his office an hour ago where me and my sales manager convinced him to give us three months to prove our station and our plan will work.

This is the part of the job I am afraid of. I spend time selling potential clients on: Me, The Power of Television, The Power of KLTV. And I believe in them all. However, what happens to the clients who believe in me and I let them down? I work hard for them and am willing to do what I need to ensure success. If the next three months do not work for this lawyer (in a down economy) he may be in serious trouble.

And at least some of the blame falls on my shoulders. That is a tough pill for me to swallow.

Here's a Little SNACK for you!

For all of you who miss Hardy's family...here are "Da Men of Hardy's Family." Enjoy!