#41 Prank

I have only three days of work in Tyler left. Crazy how chapters in life sometimes begin and end abruptly. The final days at a job are awkward and lazy, and even though I sad about leaving KLTV, I am happy about moving to Dallas. These thoughts and others flowed through my mind as I left my house this morning to go to work. Until I saw my car...



















My neighbor saw me hosing my car down this morning. I nodded to him while thinking, "just hosing off some penises from my car."

When I arrived at work a coworker pointed out the large amount of powder on my shoes and pant leg. I apologized and told them someone pranked me. My boss walked by at this point and asked what happened. I dropped my head in shame as I heard these words come out of my mouth, "Some friends poured baby powder all over my car and drew a lot of penises."

# 40 Darkness...More Bathroom Humor

This story just happened and is slightly embarassing. And definitely not a good predicament to be in.

I had to use the bathroom. #2. I went to the normal bathroom to discover it was occupied. We have an upstairs counterpart that was also occupied. That left me with one final and rarely used option...the executive bathrooms. They are so named because they are upstairs at the back of the building next to the GM of the station, a corporate VP and the head of our accounting department.

I locked myself in and preceded to do my business when I heard several doors closing just outside the bathroom. Suddenly the light went out. I thought this might be a prank so I waited patiently for a moment. I did not hear anyone outside snickering and the light did not come back on. I reached for my phone to use as a light source and discovered it was not in my pocket. I'd left it on my desk.

Darkness. I took a deep breath and weighed my options. I did not have many. I could either finish and clean myself in the dark, or I could pinch and find a light switch immediately. Neither sounded good to me. Despite the claustrophobia of darkness, I chose to finish.

Just as a side note: There are not many things stranger than pooping in the dark.

Anyway, I finished and cleaned myself the best I could without seeing what I was cleaning. I think I erred on the side of caution because my culo is a bit raw as I type this out. So, I finished and quickly searched the walls for a switch. I flailed in the dark like a blind person and enjoyed no success. I opened the door into another room of darkness, the hall that housed the entrance into the two bathrooms. I searched the walls for another switch and came up empty once again. I went out the second door and found light for the first time in three or four minutes.

On the wall were several light switches. I turned them all on and returned to the bathroom so that I could immediately check my cleaning job. Thankfully, I did a good job. I flushed, and there was a moment when I was not sure whether the toilet would flush cleanly because of the amount of TP I'd used. Thankfully, it went down.

All of this happened because the head of accounting closed the executive bathrooms down a little early without checking to see if the bathrooms were being used. Even though there was a moment of panic, and a few moments of blind wiping, I left the situation with nothing more than a raw culo, and the understanding not to use the executive bathrooms around 5 pm.

#39 Judging BBQ

This happened awhile ago, but just got down to writing the blog...

Chris and I visited the live stock show and rodeo in Houston, TX to judge BBQ. He was Clay Alexander. I was Brad Shaw. We were new at the whole rodeo thing and are generally not too bright, so we drove around the astrodome a few times looking for our assigned parking lot. We approached the entrance holding our judging papers. Chris asked me if we could get in trouble for impersonating two dudes from Tyler. I told him it seemed likely.

We planned to present the paper work and tell them our names, but if they asked for IDs we would claim to have left them in the car. The worst case scenario being we drove to the astrodome for no reason. We approached the entrance and they told us to go in. We asked where to go and they pointed us to the information booth. The information booth pointed to small walkway a 100 yards from the booth and said the sign in table would be "back that way". We followed the walkway to a tent entrance. We stood there for a few minutes, watching as the police at the gate checked IDs of everyone who entered. I asked Chris if he remembered that he was Clay. He said he did.

We walked tentatively to the cops who asked us if we were judges. He pointed us to another tent and said, "Over there."

We entered the tent to find several old ladies with checklists and name tags. We told them our names: Brad Shaw and Clay Alexander. While one searched the checklist the other asked where we lived. I said, "Tyler." We received our name tags and instructions and entered the drinking tent. We ordered bloody marys and margaritas until it was our turn to judge BBQ.

Once inside the judging tent we received Judging Aprons. I thought this was cool and was happy to receive an apron to commemorate my involvment. Now that it is over I do not have a place to put the apron and cannot think of a time I will wear it, but at the time I was excited to receive it. We sat down and received our instructions from a guy with a microphone. His name was John Alexander, and we wondered if he was in any way related to Chris, who was Clay Alexander.

Each container of BBQ had a card with it, and after each taste we, as judges, had to fill out and sign the card. I had to taste each piece of Chicken, Rib, or Brisket while reminding myself that my name is actually Brad Shaw.

A guy with a camera took a picture of me with a mouthful of BBQ. I laughed at the thought of Brad Shaw's picture being in a publication. He saw me laugh and said, "You liked that, didn't you?" I said, "Just make sure you get the name right. I'm Brad Shaw."

Afterward Chris and I stood outside the tent and finished our drinks. We were two dudes who judged BBQ. Our work was done and we were stuffed.

The moral of the story: It was fun to judge BBQ, but not really all that much fun.

# 38 Random Facts

25 random facts about Hardy…

1) When I was in 2nd grade our teacher asked, “If you are trapped on a deserted island and can only have 1 meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?” I wrote down: Cheese Enchiladas… How wrong I was.

2) I cannot control myself around these foods: Pizza, Tomato Basil Soup from La Madeleine, BBQ Ribs, Onion Rings/Bloomin Onion, Flaming Hot Cheetohs, most of L.s desserts.

3) Some people call me a movie snob, but they are wrong. I just have a low threshold for movies that are complete shyte.

4) I used to love my cats. Now they annoy me.

5) The first time I knew my marriage would be successful came when I helped L. complete yearbook pages for Taylor Publishing. We worked many nights until late in the morning. I would be happy when more pages came in the mail because I looked forward to working with L. I knew then that marriages take a lot of work, and knew myself to be lucky finding someone I enjoyed working with.

6) I love L. for many reasons. One of them: she believed in me enough to by me a laptop when I told her I wanted to devote my life to writing.

7) I am not afraid of getting older, but have not come to terms with death yet.

8) Not concerned with how much I like to drink. The thought of a bottle of wine on the weekend can get me through the toughest of weeks.

9) When I hear music I listened to growing up it makes me laugh. Most of it is bad and I remember exhausting my friends and family by forcing them to listen. I will say this, though: I still stand by Rush, Yes, Jethro Tull. Not so much Styx, 311, Neil Diamond.

10) Before I met L. I drank every night of the week. I am thankful that part of my life is over.

11) Katrina once said that she and I are the 2 funniest people in the world. I completely agree.

12) L.’s unflattering impression of me makes me laugh, even though sometimes I can see myself in it.

13) I do not like dressing up for Halloween, yet every year I get humiliating pictures taken of me wearing something that makes me look stupid.

14) I love my wiener dog, but think my wife’s love for the thing is slightly insane.

15) I like to make chicken noises right before taking a photograph.

16) I eventually want to have kids, but am not looking forward to the baby years. I would like to fast forward to the age when they argue with everything and can occasionally entertain themselves.

17) I believe my family is the strangest in the world. So strange, in fact, I cannot see how I came out being any sort of normal.

18) In junior high Chris and I started a lawn mowing business and got screwed by this Arabian guy who only paid us $35 for mowing a 2 acre lot that was over grown beyond belief. It took us 3 days, and was the only time I had ever seen Chris’s mom so angry. In the guy’s defense we were the morons who quoted $35. But he was the prick for knowingly taking advantage of two moron kids.

19) If and when I publish a novel it will be under a pen name: Alexander Mori.

20) The lakehouse may be the only place I feel personal reverence. Many important memories come from there…

21) In high school we used to sit on my roof late at night when my family was not home. Among the things we did to entertain ourselves on the roof: Discuss song lyrics, smoke many cigarettes, pee without falling off, write poetry in the moonlight, look at the globe (which Chris could not see), and once we ran the length of the house.

22) The worst year of my life occurred my second year of college when I moved back to Houston and lived with my mom. Last year was my best. I expect each to get better from here on out.

23) The worst job I ever had was the summer I worked for the TXDOT. Among the things I did at this job: pick up dead dog carcasses (1032’s), fill pot holes on busy streets, spray weeds on steep embankments, trim trees off the feeders, hang out at Ned’s house playing guitar, listening to Johnson yell obscenities at women, throw rubber rings at cones for points, run bums out from underpasses using a pitchfork. At the end of each work day Craig and I drank 1 or 2 forties while listening to The Beatles and playing basketball on the play station 2.

24) I have been called many things throughout the years. Here are a few I remember: hardebega, hardly, hardy har har stennis tennis bumblebutt Boydston, hardsababula (this one never made sense to me), hard boy, Jesus, Flumley, Hardyman, Harvey Boydstein, Boydfogger, Hammy

25) I still get into arguments with my dad about evolution, and he worries that I will go to hell for thinking we descended from monkeys…even though I try to explain to him this is not the essence or the reality of evolution.

Kingfisher: A Small Account of the Struggle (2)

First Rehearsal:

We set up our equipment in Tiffany’s dining room and discussed possible songs to play. Because of Jay we stuck with almost pure blues…1,4,5…We played through 11-12 songs. Craig recorded our session on his computer and made a list of the songs we played and discussed learning. He did not wear his goofy hat or the Hawaiian shirt to the first rehearsal.

I sounded bad. I played on a new bass I just spent several hundred dollars on. I played catch up. I struggled finding the location of the song and did not know scales well enough to play riffs that matched what the guitar was doing. Tiffany sounded good. DW was fine. Jay got excited each time he got the chance to sing or play a solo. He loved playing the blues

[Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues…]

Out of the first 11-12 songs only one sounded good. Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone. Was a little messy, but sounded good enough to demonstrate our potential and give us hope. Manager Craig burned a CD of the first rehearsal. L. listened to it and decided Jay should not sing too much.

Kingfisher: A Small Account of the Struggle (1)

The Formation:

Craig called me on my office phone and asked me how interested I would be in joining a band. He outlined for me how the idea came to him. He acquired for a very reasonable price a 16-track mixer with 2 large speakers, several mics, XLR cords, amp for the mixer, 1/4 inch guitar cords, mic stands, extension cords, lights and other things he did not know what to do with. While storing things at his sister’s house they decided to turn her spare room into a recording studio.

Craig phoned me because he knew me to be a musician. He gauged my interest and assured me my lack of band experience would not be a problem. He asked me if I wanted to be the bass player. I am a guitar player and had little experience playing bass, but Craig’s idea of forming a band intrigued me enough to attend the first band meeting.

We met at Tiffany’s house. Tiffany is Craig sister and recently moved back to Texas to be closer to her family. Craig wore a Hawaiian shirt and a goofy straw hat, even though it was September. We sat around the table waiting for the musicians to show up. While we waited, Tiffany passed out beers and dealt a deck of playing cards with naked men on the back of them. The naked men held their cocks in their hands and posed in an 80’s macho, smug sort of way. Many of the men had mustaches and some of them wore cowboy hats. None wore Hawaiian shirts with a goofy straw hat. Tiffany laughed at us because she could see how distracted and uncomfortable we were playing “hi/low” with this deck of cards.

After everyone showed up, Craig called the meeting to order and introduced the prospective members of the band to each other:

Tiffany: Singer. 34. Single and living with her dog Maverick. Background in theater. Charismatic singer with a strong voice and an outrageously fun personality. She loves football and playing hi/low. Never played in a band before. Can win anyone over with her smile and her positive energy.

Jay: Large guy. Blues guitar and singer/songwriter. Introverted, perverted, and talented guitar player. Unemployed screenwriter. Experienced working on B-Movies, low-budget indies, and porn. Plays on an old amp. Guitar named Albatross. Nasally voice. Spills beer on his shirt. Does not feel comfortable in crowds larger than five people, but will dominate a group less than five. He chews gum when he is on stage. Always wears black jeans and a black t-shirt. Has a brown tweed blazer when it is too cold for a t-shirt.

DW: Professional quality drummer playing in several bands. Wants to make money playing music and is good enough to do it. An attractive guy who took one look at this project and knew there was no chance. He did not take this opportunity seriously, but was polite to the group.

Hardy: Guitarist changed to bassist. Out of his league. Never played organized bass before and very little experience playing organized music.

Craig: Manager. Getting his business off the ground. Many irons in the fire. Motivated. The only one of us with a child. A serious love of music. Enjoys the technical side as well as the artistic.

We sat around the table discussing our goals, inspirations and skills. Occasionally the conversation would be broken up by Tiffany flipping over a card picturing a naked man holding his penis in a humorous pose.

#37 A Trip Down Memory Lane, Restaurant Style

I smelled someone cooking food in our office kitchen that smelled very much like the King Ranch Casserole served at the Great Charcoal Chicken in Houston, TX...the first restaurant I worked at. I immediately craved it and decided I would like to make it sometime soon. This got me thinking about all the restaurants I worked at, and inspired me to think of the one dish I would love to eat from each one.

The Great Charcoal Chicken: I already mentioned the King Ranch Casserole from Charcoal Chicken, but I would also like to have their lemon pepper chicken sandwich. I ate many of those the year I worked there, and I took that recipe with me to college, where I averaged 6 lemon pepper chicken sandwiches per week in my third year (2 sandwiches per meal, 3 meals a week).

Casa Ole: I do not have anything positive to say about Casa Ole, and have not eaten there since I quit my job many years ago. I honestly cannot think of anything there I liked eating. I ate fajitas mostly, but remember Dugat liking the Flameado, which made me sick the one time I tried it. They have decent green sauce.

Chili's: I have many things I like from Chili's, but there is definitely one meal that stands out. I love the Cajun Chicken Sandwich with a side of Blossum sauce. However, because of the fat content of their awesome blossum they were forced to discontinue the appetizer, which forced them to abandon the sauce. The sandwich is not the same without the sauce. So now I look to the Chicken Ranch Sandwich, which is almost as good. Plus, I cannot forget the El Presidente Margarita and the Texas Eggrolls.

Ninfa's (Waco): I worked more than 3 years at the Ninfa's in Waco, and thus have many meals I must mention. My most common meal, and the one I get when I visit Waco now is the Fajitas Ala Berry. This is one of the best meals ever. I have tried to recreate it and failed miserably. My second favorite meal at Ninfa's Waco is their Ribs (The Rico, I think). I get Ratones (Peppers stuffed with shrimp and cheese and deep fried) as an appetizer and get the full rack of ribs for my meal. Ninfa's is a Mexican food restaurant, but this particular one offers the best ribs I have ever had. Do not forget the margaritas. I would also get 2 sangria swirled frozen margaritas, and hope that Lisa was not walking around so I would not have to talk to her.

PF Chang's : My final restaurant is PF Chang's. I worked at the PF Chang's in Dallas for a month before beginning my marketing career at TSM Skyline. My go to meal here is easy. The restaurant is family style so I can order many things and share them with the table. I would get the lettuce wraps for an appetizer, of course. For my meal I would order Crispy Honey Shrimp, Kung Pao Scallops, Mongolian Beef and Vegeterian Lo Mein.

That all sounds so good right now, doesn't it? I would love to do any or all of these this weekend. Instead, I am going home and will eat a sandwich with a side salad.

#36 Johnny Wedding

L. and I went to Johnny's wedding this weekend. We sat on the groom's side of the aisle, and as the ceremony commenced my mind began to wander. I did not think of the things you might expect: Johnny eating more than 20 something hot dogs at our camping trip, the numerous times he passed out early at a party and had tortuous things photographed around him while he slept, Johnny spilling food all over himself, the time he put on a shirt his dog urinated on and when someone said "that shirt has pee all over it" he responded by saying, "I wondered what that smell was." I did not think of these things, nor did I wonder how he found a girl who would love him despite his drastic idiosyncracies.

Instead, I wondered how long we would have to be at the wedding. I do not care for most weddings. I like the idea of people being married, and I like a good party. I enjoy being there when I truly care for the people being united. But I do not like the churchesque proper quality that exist with most weddings. Especially when I do not really care about the bride and groom. And I am not impressed by the tired traditions involved in a wedding (cutting of the cake, first dance, the toasts). I like the bouquet toss, but only because it is funny to watch girls scramble around the dance floor.

I suppose my point is: people should only go to weddings that they want to go to. When there are people like me there (and there were many like that at this wedding) most of the time is spent sitting or standing around. No momentum or granduer builds up. I felt guilty going and not adding to the effect. Instead, my lack of enthusiasm took away from the experience for everyone.

I suppose the counter argument for this mentality is: The Wedding is not for the attendees. It is for the bride. The dumb guys who do not care to go need to suck it up and take one for the team...the team being the other guys, because eventually most of us will be married and we will need our wives to be happy at having a successful wedding.

All of this to say, I took one for the team this time. And I appreciate all of you who took one for my team.

#35 Guitar Nightmare

A veteran sales rep at the station learned on the day of my first interview that I play guitar and bass. Since my first day here, nearly 2 years ago, he has asked me every other week to play guitar with him and 6 friends. They get together and sit in a circle taking turns playing songs. The group ranges in talent level, 2 of the guys just now learning to play the guitar.

The idea sounds fine, and I am all for musicians jamming together when at all possible. However, the group of intstruments represented are as follows: 3 guitars, 2 of them inexperienced, 1 fiddle (he calls it a fiddle not a violin), 1 harmonica, 1 banjo. I am not interested in bluegrass, and we cannot play Tejano without an accordian. So, you can see why I have been conveniently busy each day they get together.

Yesterday this Sales Rep entered the station with one of our most consistent advertisers. He also spends a good deal of money with us. I was introduced to the man with my boss in the same room. The man responded with, "Is this the guy whose wife never let's him play guitar with us?" The sales rep answered in front of my boss, "Sure is."

Just for the record, my wife has nothing to do with me not playing guitar with the group.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting my boss said, "You should go play with them. He has been talking about it now for 2 years." I said, "I will have to see what the wife has scheduled, because I am pretty sure we have something going on that day."

#34 Possible Work Regret

I work with a small law firm in Tyler. I got them on the air for the first time in November. I helped him write and produce two commercials and placed them on my station with a heavy schedule, assuring him that his advertising campaign would be successful.

It was not. He received a couple of calls the first week, one turned into a client, but then he received no calls whatsoever. He pulled the final two weeks of his schedule off of the air because he did not feel comfortable spending money without the return.

I was not ready to give up on him. If we figure out how to make his ad dollars work for him, it would mean a long term client advertising with me. So I compiled an analysis of where his spots ran, how many ran, what the message of each spot was and compared them to other successful lawyers advertising on TV. Through my analysis, which I ran by my sales manager, I determined that we did not focus the dollars on the right times throughout the day.

I just left his office an hour ago where me and my sales manager convinced him to give us three months to prove our station and our plan will work.

This is the part of the job I am afraid of. I spend time selling potential clients on: Me, The Power of Television, The Power of KLTV. And I believe in them all. However, what happens to the clients who believe in me and I let them down? I work hard for them and am willing to do what I need to ensure success. If the next three months do not work for this lawyer (in a down economy) he may be in serious trouble.

And at least some of the blame falls on my shoulders. That is a tough pill for me to swallow.

Here's a Little SNACK for you!

For all of you who miss Hardy's family...here are "Da Men of Hardy's Family." Enjoy!

#33 Pacman

I do not want this to be a sports blog, but I have a couple of thoughts on the cutting of Pacman Jones. He played in 9 games and shared the team lead with Newman for pass deflections. To me that says he has potential to be a shut down corner. Much better than Michael Jenkins, anyway. Sure, he was no good at Punt Returns and he has off the field issues, but that is part of having a superstar on your team. You must deal with the problems that come with a diva.

This is what I think: Wade Phillips has been criticized (fairly in my opinion) for being too soft on the team. He claimed, in an attempt to keep his job, that things are going to be different next year. He claims he is going to be tough on players. And then a day later he cuts the first person he sees as a problem...Pacman. If he were a good coach, he would say, "Pacman has some problems, but I am going to Coach that World Class talent. I am not going to run away from it! I am going to make him be a responsible player who contributes regularly for the Dallas Cowboys!"

But no, he does the easy thing. This situation reminds of me of a junior high kid who gets grounded for not doing his chores. Daddy takes away the video games and the kid suddenly claims things will be different. The kid takes the garbage out to the curb and says, see, things will be different, I can do my chores! If that kid really wanted his video games back, he would have turned that garbage into something useful.

That's my point...

#32 Sleep Disorder

Last night I could not fall asleep. I made the painful decision to get out of bed, hoping that a change of scenery would encourage drowsiness. I searched all 700 channels at my disposal and was forced to decide between: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Robert Downey Jr. Movie), Asteroid Disaster: The Earth's First Apocalpse, Sportscenter Reruns, Law & Order. Late at night I try and stay away from movies for fear of getting hooked and prolonging my insomnia. Sportscenter is always a good choice, and usually what I start with. After the basketball scores, however, I was caught up and not at all interested in College Football. I gave the Asteroid Disaster show a chance. The idea has merit, but the execution annoyed me. A geeky scientist yelled at me about the global ramifications of a 2 kilometer wide asteroid striking the earth's surface. He acted like it is a new idea, and it is not. The little kid in Jurassic Park 1 was the first to bring it to my attention, so after that it is simply redundant.


Finally I chose Law & Order. Law & Order is one of the best shows ever. The show began 12 years ago, or something like that, and remains interesting and relevant. And it is addictive. I stray from my original story...


I transformed the couch into a bed by taking off the pillows and wrapping myself in a blanket Burrito-style. My house has one huge problem for insomniacs. I live with an insane cat that, in his opinion, never gets enough love. The cat jumped on the couch and rubbed his face on my face. My arms being pinned within my burrito blanket, I was helpless. I turned my face and tried bucking him off. Finally I dislodged one arm and swiped him to the ground.


He returned with vigor, as I knew he would. My arm was still out and I swiped him down again. This happened four or five times, each time my swipe hardened, until I almost threw him into the TV. He shook his head and ran off.

I finished the episode, turned the TV off and vowed I would finally sleep. The cat jumped on the couch. I did not buck this time. I withdrew my arm from the burrito and swiped him off. He jumped back on. I decided that 3rd grade engineering was necessary to thwart his onslaught. I covered my face with the blanket and using two pillows propped it up in such a way that I was able to breathe fresh air without sacrificing protection from the cat.

There were two problems with the engineering of my fortress. 1) I did not have much room to move. 2) The cat curled up on my face to fall asleep. I pushed him off but he managed to wedge himself uncomfortably between the back of my head and the couch.

This turned out to be a long story with a simple message: I did not sleep well last night.

#31 Drooling Grimace Face

I learned something new the other day. Not sure how true it is, but seems plausible. I learned that how you sleep (physically...as in what position you sleep in) affects how well you age (physical appearance...as in how you look in your 30's, 40's 50's). Meaning: if you sleep on your stomach where your face is mashed sideways into your pillow causing 8 hours of drooling grimace face to be etched into your skin, there is a better chance of those lines becoming more and more permanent as you get older. This would explain how come the bitter beer face guy has so many lines and wrinkles in his face.

I sleep on my stomach, and I am pretty sure my face is pressed into my pillow drooling grimace style. So, I tried falling asleep on my back, with my face relaxed and smoothed as much as possible.

Not sure that it is working because I always wake up with my face mashed into my pillow. All of this to say that I am slightly concerned that I will turn into the bitter beer face guy, and I don't like it.

#30 A Date Update

Friday night L. and I accompanied Stephen and Krystal to an Italian food restaurant in Tyler called Fiore. I am sorry to report that nothing interesting or humorous occurred during the evening. We ate pasta and talked about work, movies, food, family, and all manner of other things people talk about while eating a meal. Stephen played it cool, which was smart for a first meeting. And at the end of the night he set himself up nicely for a second date...this time alone. When I know more, you will know more.

# 29 A Date

One thing married life affords me (thank god) is the fact I no longer have to date. Instead of working up the courage to ask a girl out and then trying to impressive her with my creative, seductive charm, I now only have to accompany friends and family on double dates...where I get to watch them impress girls with their creative and seductive charm. So far, my resume consists only of Britt putting the moves on a local reporter here by the name of Danielle, not to mention a couple of years back hooking him up with a young girl from the ad agency I worked at. I think I also set him up on a date with the lead singer of the band I played in. Not sure if anyone knew Tiffany had gone out with him, but she did. None of the experiences went well for him, though I got drunk and had fun all three nights.

Well, I am going on another date tomorrow night and am excited about it. My brother, Stephen, moved to Tyler and is going to meet a young woman who works at the station. I will watch closely as he molds typical conversation into humorous anecdotes, or perhaps executes a well timed wink, point and smile. I am going to sit back and drink whiskey drinks, occasionally making note of a particular gesture or phrase so that later I can say to L., "Remember when Stephen did that!"

So, everyone needs to wish Stephen luck. Not only must he meet this girl for the first time and hope to impress her, he must do these things with his goofy, inebriated, older brother watching him.

# 28 Tyler Obama Love

Here are a couple of the ridiculous things I have heard from people in Tyler recently concerning the President Elect:

* Hide your guns!
* He is going to change the American Flag and the National Anthem.
* He wants to turn our country into a socialist regime where everyone is equal, even if they are too lazy to work for themselves.
* Our terrorist enemies are going to see that he is weak and will thus attack our country within a year.

Obviously these claims are ridiculous and it is impossible to argue with people who cannot see how crazy these statements are. Politics are complex and confusing, and sometimes it is difficult to make sense of all the information fired at us. I also accept the fact that democrats are guilty of ridiculous comments too (Whoopi arguing with McCain that he is pro-slavery because he is a constitutionalist), but here in Tyler I do not hear those, so do not have examples to mention here.

At lunch on Monday three people at our table complained that Obama plans to address all of America's problems and by so doing will spread his efforts too thin to do any good. Essentially their complaint was that he wants to do too much good for our country, and he is not yet in office. I told them to give the man a chance before condemning his efforts. They froze and one of them said, "Oh my God! Did you vote for Obama?!"

The entire table (14 people) stopped talking and looked at me. I explained that the odds were unfair for a political discussion, but that I did in fact vote for Obama. So many people at the table started yelling at me from different angles that I could not defend myself. I took it all in and wondered how so many people could be so against something that would help them. The people yelling at me, except 1, make less than $50,000 a year and have chilren. They would benefit from tax breaks to the middle class and their children would benefit from new schools and hospitals. Yet they claimed that all of their money was going to be taken from them and given to bums too lazy to work for themselves.

I explained that Obama is not in favor of increasing taxes so that he can give free money to bums. They shook their heads and told me that is what socialism is: taking money from the hard working people and giving it to the lazy people. I told them that Obama is not in favor of socialism and they laughed at me. They called me brainwashed by the Democratic machine.

Only 1 person at the table made sense. He was the one who makes 6 figures. He said, "Hardy, one of these days you are going to be making a lot of money and you will not want the government to tax you extra."

This is at the heart of all the issues. People who make a lot of money do not want anymore taxed from them. I get that. But there are changes that need to be made. The longer things are ignored or kept at status quo, the more difficult it will be to fix them. And no matter how many problems we have, I would rather our president hope to fix them all and run the risk of spreading his efforts too thin, than have a president who does not attempt at all.

Sorry for the rant, even though this one is pretty harmless.

My husband's true love

# 27 The Coolest Superhero

Dorky people argue endlessly about which of the many superheroes is the coolest. Superman can fly, but is rendered completely useless by kryptonite, which seems to be readily available. Spiderman can shoot cool webs but has been lamely protrayed by Tobey Maguire. The Wolverine is cool and tough, but he must feel intense pain each time his claws come out. There are many superheroes to choose from and just as many arguements supporting or declining their respective rights to that coveted "Coolest Superhero" award.

I have the answer. I know who the coolest superhero is, and I have undeniable proof. Last Friday was Halloween and we prepared by purchasing much candy to give out. We parked in a straight line so that children would have easy access to our front door. We turned on our porch light and opened all our blinds. We dressed in our costumes and put Polly in the backyard. Ultimately...we waited.

No trick-or-treaters came to our house. We checked every few minutes for kids walking down the street. We paced around our front door munching on Reece's Peanut Butter cups and Twixs. We walked out to the street to see if we mught expect any kids eventually. Finally we put on a scary movie all but giving up hope that children would visit our house for candy.

And then the doorbell rang. L. jumped from the couch and adjusted her ladybug wings. I grabbed the dog. She grabbed the bowl of candy and opened the front door to find Batman standing on our front porch. Batman said, "Trick or Treat", holding out an orange pumpkin container.

Batman was the only superhero and only trick-or-treater who cared enough to visit our home for Halloween, and has thus been crowned "The Coolest Superhero".