#150 Times, They Are A'Changin'

Visited Houston last week and stayed with a friend.  Before heading to the bar, I showered in the upstairs bathroom.  While enjoying the wonderful fragrance of their vanilla jasmine body wash, I heard a strange sound coming from the bedroom next door.  Sounded like an alarm.  I knew I was the only one upstairs and wondered why an alarm would be set.  But the noise continued for several minutes, making me wonder if I had accidentally set an alarm on my phone for some reason.

I finished my shower, exited the bathroom and discovered no sound whatsoever emanating from anything upstairs.  I was confused.  And naked.  So I dressed, put stuff in my hair to give it the messy look I go for these days and left for the bar with my friend, where we heard his wife perform with her country music band.  At the bar I asked my friend if he had any alarms set upstairs, or if his a/c unit had an alert that went off to change filters or something.  He told me he knew nothing of an alarm upstairs, and was as confused as I was.

The next day we sat on his couch, fighting off two rambunctious dogs while trying to enjoy coffee when I heard the strange alarm again.  It went off, radiating clearly throughout the entire house.  I looked curiously over to my friend and said, "Hey, that's the sound I heard!  What is that?"

He said, "That's my telephone ringing..."

#149 New Year's Resolutions

2014 is all about positive energy!  Following is a small list of things I will accomplish throughout the next year:

• Complete my first 3 book series and making them available for download on Kindles and Nooks.  Of course I would like to make millions from it.  And I want it to be an HBO series starring Kate Winslet, Mila Kunis and Christina Ricci! 
• Help Cody complete his first sci-fi story.
• Fix the outdoor lights in our backyard.  This may take me as long as writing the 3 book series.
• Actually complete my work with Spartacus.
• Learn how to make Pad-Thai.
• See my dad more than 2 times a year, each time lasting about an hour or so.
• Help David get moved out of the house.
• Teach mom how to properly use FB.  Will probably be easier helping David get moved out.
• Find The Cure's Wish on vinyl.
• Learn how to successfully use social media to promote the books I write.  
• Go to Dirk's home town, which is really far away from Africa.
• Learn to use the vitamix without having to read a recipe.
• Use Beverly's christmas basket successfully!

I think that's it...

#148 Year in Review - 2013

2013 was a strange year for me.  Many great moments.  Many bad moments.  Here is a year in review straight from memory, which is probably not the best way to do this, since I can't remember a damn thing without checking FB.  And I do not want this account being simply a recount of FB:

• Year of wine.  L. discovered that she actually likes wine, and now we are two of the snobbiest wine drinkers in Texas.  The bottle that did it was a 201 Proeza blend she found at Bolsa.  Caravan is currently her favorite, and may lead to her passed out on the doggie bed.
• Le Creuset has been introduced to our kitchen.  And now we rarely cook with anything else.  This means dishwashing has taken the place of weightlifting for my daily workouts.  Needless to say, our meals have become way more fancy.
• Year of concerts.  This year I saw 6 shows:
• Tame Impala (Feb, Granada) -Aussie band with a couple of good albums.  The venue sounded pinched and too bright.  Pierced my ears.
• BTE (Aug 30, House of Blues) - We see these guys each time they come to Dallas.  This particular show we went with The Barts and got a photo with the drummer afterward.  He was the best musician on the stage.  If you had gone, you would have heard me say it a dozen times or more.
• Mumford & Sons (Sept 18, Gexa) - L. and I found a great place to stand at Gexa if you show up 3 minutes after the music starts to a sold out show.  Lauren danced with us while we drank several big beers.  They did not play my two favorite songs, and I won't forget that!
• Alt-J (Sept 29, House of Blues) - The concert I looked forward to the most.  We were right on the stage and this is a band that has had a profound effect on L. and I.  Pearl Jam/Pink Floyd level effect.  I drank many shots and many beers in the parking lot before the show.  L. loves Alt-J above all others.   
• Franz Ferdinand (Oct 5, House of Blues) - Again, drank many shots and beers in the parking lot.  This was the best show of the year.  They are high energy, they have great music and their drummer is freakin amazing.  We bought Ume shirts, and an Ume vinyl.  The chick lead singer was right there, and she was sort of hot.  We couldn't resist.  The lead singer plays the exact same guitar that I do!
• Pearl Jam (Nov 15, AA Center) - Always great to be in the same room with one of the defining artists of my lifetime.  They sounded amazing.  It was one of their first shows on the Lightning Bolt tour.  They were energetic and youthful, and it was their first show in Dallas since 2003 when they were booed at Gexa.  I was at that show too, and was pissed they were being booed.  Vedder singing Indifference at the end of the night with the lights on was a moment I will never forget.  So beautiful.  
• 10 Year Reunion.  I have been married more than 10 years!  Truly amazing and the finest accomplishment of my life.  The crazy part is this: our marriage is better in year 10 than it was in year 1.  Or year 2.  Or year 3.  We continue to grow together and enjoy new adventures.  Looking forward to the next 10 years. 
• The Year of Cody.  Cody moved to Dallas and has been doing laundry at our house almost every week.  Its been great because I am developing a good relationship with him during a pivotal time in his life...the time when he must learn to grow up and live on his own.  I remember when I was having to grow up, and it would have been much better if I'd had a bossy older brother telling me what's what.  
• Vinyl.  Got the record player working and have become hooked!  I love making people listen to old Rush and Styx records.  So much fun and sounds SO GOOD!!!  I make L. listen and she does not mind NIN, Alt-J, The Cure and Margot & the Nuclear So and Sos.
• Vox Guitar.  I got a new guitar this year and have spent much time composing new music to impress my friends.  And I think they are really impressed because the music is way better than what I used to show them.  And all of it is really awesome!
• Thailand and Cambodia.  Too much to say about Thailand and Cambodia, so I will make this short and sweet:  Thai food, Baby Ha-Ha, Chompoo, Floating Villages, Charlie Chaplin's favorite hotel, Savage Fish Massage, Temple of the Dawn, Chang Mai Night Market, Regulator Rooster, Buddhas out my goat ass, overgrown jungle temples, headless statues, Angkor Wat, Reclining Buddha, wicker soccer game with the workers, Aussie travelers, tuk-tuk drivers, Sunday Market
• Savannah was born
• Sonder.  Made great original music with a close friend of mine.  Hope to continue this, as it is a great way to express beauty and emotion.
• Alanadale.  Made great cover music with other close friends of mine.  Hope to continue this, as it is a great way to express beauty and humor.  More beauty than humor, I think.
• Wine Country.  Went to Willamette Valley and Napa Valley.  The country and the weather was beautiful.  Great places to spend time.  So much so, that we considered moving. When we went to Napa, we saw The America's Cup.  First sailboat race I had ever seen, and it was a huge event.  Much bigger than I would have ever imagined.  
• Drank Chris's stout which tasted better than Guinness or St. Arnold's Stout.  I was no help racking the fermentor valve.  
• Won 2nd place in our FF league.  Dugat did most of the work, but it was a fun way to win a few extra dollars.  
• Wiener dog races.  Polly won her heat, then got second in the semis.  Was funny watching her sprint her happy little ass off!  This year we are going to train more vigorously.
• Katrina's wedding. They drank from huge beer mugs all night and danced with all the beautiful women of the family.  Feel lucky to have connected with Jason and his family. 

#147 The Significance of 300

The number 300 is significant, indeed.  It is the total number of points in a perfect bowling game.  There are approximately 300 steps (more like 306) that lead to the top of The Temple of Dawn, an impressive structure that graces the banks of the Chao Phraya in Bangkok.  There were 300 Spartans who bravely defended the city against foreign invaders.   According to the crappy movie, all 300 died.  Supposedly 300 is the number of popes and antipopes that would gather throughout history, according to the Roman Catholic Church, before the second arrival of the Christ.

But more importantly, 300 is the milestone page I reached last night on my novel.  I have written 300+ pages on other projects in the past, but for some reason last night felt special.  Perhaps it is because these 300 pages were written by a writer, while the previous projects were written by an advertising guy in his spare time.

#146 If you like writing, cats ain't for you!

Do you know how difficult it is to write when you live with cats?  If you do, then this post may be redundant for you.  If you do not, allow me to retort.

Writing is a gigantic pain in the ass when you live with cats!  Any time I sit at my computer, they sprint toward me and jump on the table I am writing at.  So I move to the couch.  They sprint to the couch and jump in my lap where I am writing.  So I move a desk in the spare bedroom and close the door.  They sprint down the hallway just outside the door and meow.  One of them sticks her furry little paws underneath the door and jiggles it non stop.  Seriously non stop.  I have to get up and run her off, which pisses the dog off.  The dog barks and chases the cat, which gives me enough time to write about a sentence and a half (if the sentence is already started in my head) before the cat jiggles the door again.

So to compensate I have been doing much of my writing at a local library or the nearest 1/2 priced books.  Both are good locations.  Both are free from cats.  When I finish this first novel I will have to acknowledge the local library and the 1/2 priced books simply because I have 2 annoying cats!

Did you know that Hemingway lived with like 30 cats?  He loved them.  Maybe my problem is that I have too few cats...

#145 Cat and Mouse

A game of Cat & Mouse opened up in front of me as I wrote quietly at a library table.  A bum off the street took a bible from the bookshelf and sat next to me.  He dropped two large bags beneath the table, as far as I could see they were filled with plastic and aluminum garbage, no doubt collected so that he might exchange them for change.  His odor crept across the table like the mist in Stephen King's short story.

A man approached the table and said rather loudly, "Uh-uh!  Not today!"  The man collected the bible from the tabletop and bore his eyes so deeply into the bum that he could do nothing but slink away behind a row of shelves.  I remained seated, bathed in his lingering smell, wondering if the bum will return for his belongings.

The man noticed that I watched the situation with the curiosity of a small child.  It is likely that he thought I watched with a judging eye.  He bore his eyes in my direction, obviously irritated that any part of his job included running a bum out of the public library.  I did not judge.  I feel like I understand the situation perfectly.  One has no place to go, and when it is cold outside any shelter is good shelter.  The other has the integrity of the library to look after.  He is paid to keep this place running so that interested citizens have a place to study and read.

The mouse returned with a book on Christianity.  He read while standing up.  Easier to run away.  The mist closed in once again.  He read, but more accurately he watched.  He watched and waited for the cat who will be coming directly.

#144 A New Adventure

Embarking on a new adventure in the form of a new novel project.  I've had a few ideas milling around my imagination for awhile now, but honed in on a specific one and have begun getting pages down.  I plan to share various tidbits from the writing of this new project and will begin by sharing a handful of the ideas that will not get explored.  They are:

• Genie in an Acura - a modern day wishing genie story.  Would be completely sarcastic and dark. The genie would have been an asshole driving around in an Acura, promising things to people and sometimes delivering.  
• Crazy Cat Woman story - a woman lives in a house surrounded by stray cats.  They meow and scurry about her house like she is opening cans of tuna at all hours of the day.  No one comes to visit because she is the crazy cat woman.  And then one day she leaves her house (probably to get more kitty litter) and there are no cats.  She does not know what happened to them.  She is sad.  She does not know what to do with herself.  Because of her new found silence and free time she devotes her life to finding a man and embarking on a new career.  For her, she learns that she has an eccentric and outgoing personality that had been stifled by the presence of too many cats.  She becomes a radio personality or something.  And she falls in love.  Not sure, but I think the ending was going to be something like the man breaks her heart and she slumps back into her house.  The next morning all the cats returned and she is once again the crazy cat lady.  (Sound like a fun read?)  
• Boxing novella - This would follow 3 young UFC fighters training in a small town gym.  To make money they also run hour long classes (like cross fit) where the smallest fighter is the town's favorite instructor.  He makes friends and he trains people to get stronger, but he wants to be a fighter.  Yet, every amateur fight he participates in ends with him getting beat badly.  He is simply too small.  There is more to this story, but i do not want to go into here, because I may one day write this one.  It has potential in ways the catwoman and genie stories do not!
• Union Murder project - When the unions first formed, there were epic struggles between the working class and big business.  This story takes place in a camp formed by thousands of on strike workers who refused to work, but also built camps surrounding the factory to make sure no one else could work either.  It was an extremely hostile environment.  A murder occurs and there is a separate investigation that leads the inspector through the various layers of early american society.  In the end, the murder was over a drunken quarrel involving things said about another man's wife.  

You will just have to wait and see what story trumped all those fabulous ideas!!! 

#143 Why Whiskey Is Not Always Good

An old friend of mine from college posted a video on FB of him jumping a fiery rope on the beach after drinking much whiskey.  I cannot find a link to share, as the video is definitely worth watching.  I will be looking and will eventually find it.  Until then, enjoy the two photos that still tell the story.

#142 Hardy and Cody's Most Excellent Adventure

Last night I learned a lot.  I learned that Joan of Arc was not Noah's wife.  I learned that Napoleon was not a good bowler.  I learned that Sigmund Freud was bit of a geek and Beethoven was exceptionally good at cleaning windows.

But more importantly, I learned that you do not want Cody cutting your hair...

#141 IDs and Boats

As a child I spent many hours riding on the boat my parent's bought for our house on Lake Livingston. One particular ride stands out in my mind right now.  It was a typical weekend and we drove the boat to our subdivision marina where I jumped out of the truck and helped Joe back the trailer into the water.   Together we pushed the boat from the trailer where he started the thing and parked it near the dock for the family to get in.  This was my favorite part of our process.  I got to drive the truck and the trailer out of the water and park it in the lot next to the marina.  All by myself!  

We cruised out of the marina in search for smooth waters for skiing and inner-tubing.  We had two options, in front of the park near our house or out by the dam.  Joe liked going out by the dam even though it was a little farther from our marina.  Gave us a chance to ride for a little while before the cluster that was getting the family up on skis. 

About halfway out we discovered that the boat was taking on water.  LOTS of water.  Joe's first thought was that we hit something.  We looked along the edge of the boat and wondered if perhaps the problem was on the bottom where we could not see.  We lifted the back seats near the engine and discovered that the the back half of the boat was definitely sinking.  To trouble shoot we decided to head back toward the marina at a slow enough speed to help slow the pace of which the water entered the boat.  Mom and I used cups to bail water.  Stephen was extremely young and he sat at the front of the boat.  Suddenly, the engine sputtered and then stopped.  The water caused the thing to stop running, and Joe could not get it started again.  

Mild panic set in.  Mom worried that we would not be able to swim in because Stephen and I were still young.  Joe worried about losing our boat.  I remember being scared and hating the feeling that there was nothing we could do but sit and bail water, hopefully faster than it was coming in.  Another family drove by and we honked our horn.  They approached us, tied a rope between our boats and dragged us back to the marina before our boat sank.  I remember the boat twisting in turning, feeling like it was going to turn over because of the awkward physics involved in towing a speed boat with an angular front.

We made it back ok and as we pulled the boat out of the water we learned that we forgot to put the plug in the boat and water was simply coming in through the little hole just below the engine.  Such a small thing, but obviously very important.  For the next several years Stephen would ask if Joe remembered to put the plug in the boat.  I bet he still, to this day wonders about the plug before getting into any boat.

---

This last weekend we flew to California.  L. and I travel well together save for one thing.  She likes to arrive at the airport as the plane is pulling away from the terminal, whereas I like to arrive early enough to lazily check baggage, go through security and rest for 15 minutes before boarding.  For this trip, she did a great job packing and getting ready so that we arrived an hour and fifteen minutes early, plenty of time to get through everything with no stress.  Yet, as I parked the car and climbed onto the park and ride van, I realized I did not have my ID.  You MUST have your ID to travel.  

I told L. I did not have my ID, forcing us to get off the van in front of many people who instantly realized that we missed our plane and would have the hassle of figuring out additional plans.  We got back in the car and decided to hurry back home to get it.  On the way, L. would see about finding another flight for us to take.  She called the AA helpline that confirmed our flight info before assigning a service rep.  The recording claimed that our flight had been delayed by 1 hour.  L. called again to make sure.  The recording confirmed that our flight was set to leave 1 hour later than originally planned.  

It was a Thursday morning at 8:30a.  We needed to be at the baggage check in by 9:30.  The airport is roughly 30 minutes away when there is no traffic.  Thursday mornings at 8:30a there is mucho traffic.  I hauled ass all the way home.  L. laughed each time she thought about the stupidity that is me leaving my wallet at home.  I shook my head and fought back being super pissed.

I drove like a crazy person.  Very dangerous and probably should have gotten several tickets.  On the way, we arranged for the airport valet to meet us at the baggage check so that we could get out of our car and run our luggage up to the counter...which we did.  The woman behind the counter tried to tell us that we could not check our bags, but we insisted that our flight had been delayed.  Her manager confirmed and we barely made our flight.  It was an extremely stressful hour, one that I would never like to repeat.  EVER!

Now the only question is, how many years will have to hear L. ask me each time we travel if I have my ID?  

PS...I wanted to title this post, IDs and Boat Plugs, but then I thought there was a chance you would think this post was about something completely different.

#140 Guinness Book of World Records

I was drifting to sleep one night recently when I was painfully awaken by L. tugging at a hair growing off of my ear.  Felt like a hurtful needle being jammed into my earlobe.  She said something like, "Holy hell, is this thing attached to your ear?"  I glared and mumbled something about going for the guinness book record for longest ear hair, so leave me alone and let me sleep.  She instantly found a pic of the current record holder, pictured just below.

I saw the pic and realized I had no shot at making the Guiness Book for this particular record.  However, there are other records I might be able to compete for or have witnessed personally.  They include:

• Longest Hour of Power - played to Lonesome Dove which is like 8 hours long.  I started playing 4 and half hours in, so I would not be the record holder.  Instead, I witnessed Chris and Britt fight through the last couple of hours, finishing off a 30 pack of beer before our night really even began.
• # of times I saw Braveheart in the theater.  Cody would be proud of me.
• I would say # of times I've seen The Jungle Book, but Cody has me by a couple thousand.  I'm in second, though.
• Consecutive mornings eating donuts.  In Junior High I ate donuts every morning on the way to school.  Every!  Cody threw up donuts on the way to school every morning on the account of his asmars.
• Longest drive in the wrong direction.  One time in college, Tarek and I drove from the lakehouse to Keller Springs with a stop over in Waco.  Because of the long drive we started playing "I'm Thinking of a Person" (similar to 20 questions) outside of Waco.  Because I am not great at paying attention and we were occupied playing a game, we made it several miles north of Fort Worth before we realized we missed our turn.  We were clued in by signs pointing out the number of miles to Oklahoma.  
• Most hours to mow 1 yard for which we were only paid $35.  No doubt we were dumb for misquoting the time needed to mow this particular lot that was over grown by several years.  Chris's mom confronted the jerk after he only paid us $35.  She asked him why he was taking advantage of two dumbass kids.  He answered by saying he needed to teach us a lesson.  That if we were going to misquote something and shake on it, then we'd better honor our side of the arrangement and then learn not to be so dumb in the future.  Back then I thought he was ridiculous.  Now, however, I see his point and can't wait to meet 2 dumbass kids so that I can repay the favor.
• Whiniest dog in history.
• Most wiener dog trinkets in one house.  I feel I can go toe to toe with any old lady who thinks she has more!
• Most broken glass on front porch.  I wish I had a picture of our Alexander house in Waco, which was littered with dozens of parties worth of glass bottles.  Apparently we thought it was okay to simply throw our empties on the ground with no regard to public safety.
• Longest puke and rally.  This one does not belong to me.  Instead, this record is held by Dugat, who helped a handful of us finish a keg by going in a circle with a beer bong.  Dugat puked practically every turn, including the infamous innertube rain storm puke.  But he always came back for more.  He must have puked and rallied at least 7 times.  It would have been smarter to just pour the beer on the ground, but we all wanted to see Dugat puke again.  
• Hours playing civilization.  This one does not belong to me either.  The winner is L.  who began a game when I went out around 6p and she did not finish until I got home close to 4a.  When I got home I was prepared for serious trouble.  Instead she turned from the computer and said, "Whoa, your back already?"
• Largest sandwich award goes to a kid I knew in Junior High.    

#139 Eavesdropping - Fast Food Edition

I call my mom over lunch once a week, and was lucky enough to overhear a conversation she had with the employee at a fast food restaurant.  It went like this:

Mom:  Hold on, Hardy, I am at the drive thru.  Yes, can I get a cheeseburger on a regular bun and a...

      -pause-

Mom:  I want a bun with no sesame seeds, please.  

      -pause-

Mom:  No.  Can I get it on a bun without those little seeds all over it!  You know, the sesame seeds.

      -pause-

Mom:  A regular bun!  

      -pause-

Mom:  Uh huh.  Yes.  

      -pause-

Mom:  No, a cheeseburger.  But instead of the bun with all the seeds on it, I want the plain bun.

      -pause-

Mom:  Yeah.  That's right, but I also want to order some fries.  And a coke.

      -pause-

Mom:  No.  I said fries and a coke!

      -pause-

Mom:  No, I want the small cheeseburger, not the meal.  

      -pause-

Mom:  I understand that, but I only want the small cheeseburger.  

      -pause-

Mom:  Yes I still want the fries and the coke!  Good lord!  This order is easy.  I want a cheeseburger, a small fry and a coke.  But on the cheeseburger I want the plain bun, the one with no seeds on it!

      -pause-

Mom:  Yes, that's it!

#138 The AristoCats

Watched The Aristocats with L. and Cody this weekend.  I'd not seen it before, which is surprising because it was brought to us by the same people who brought us some of my favorite Disney classics including: The Jungle Book, The Sword and the Stone, Robin Hood, 101 Dalmations.  Many things occurred to me while watching this movie:

• The movie is not as good as the others mentioned above, but still had the charm of an old school Disney movie.  The main characters were nothing special, but there are two hound dogs that are greatness and a drunk goose named Uncle Waldo, who was just weird.
• After the movie was over, Cody mentioned a handful of other old school disney movies that I have not seen, and now I am excited to check those out.  These include: The Rescuers, The Black Cauldron, Oliver and Company, The Great Mouse Detective
• Made me wonder if people are sharing the old school movies with their kids.  I have heard and understand discussions surrounding the Disney Princess ideal and how this is detrimental to young girls.  Part of me understands this, but part of me realizes that most girls I know grew up with Disney movies and they turned out fine.  I feel like the problem is less the movie and more about mothers treating their kids like Disney Princesses to such a degree that the child cannot separate the ideal from reality.  But I could be wrong about that.
• But there are several old school Disney movies that do not have princesses and I feel like fewer children today are watching these.  My sample size consists of all the 22-25 year olds that I have worked with over the last few years who have never heard of the classics mentioned above.  
• My plan is to start my kids off with the older ones, because once they see the computer animation, they will have a hard time going back to the older ones.  My kid MUST be able to sing the songs in Robin Hood with me so that when I am in a good mood I can say, "Oodelahlee Oodelahlee Golly What A Day!"
• When Cody was growing up, he watched Disney movies back to back to back on a continuous loop.  Before he had his own TV (the smaller one with a built in VCR) I was lucky enough to watch The Jungle Book more than 6000 times.  As a result, I have the movie completely memorized and I think the songs in this movie are the best of all the Disney movies.  

#137 Written On The Way To Oklahoma City

On a road trip to Oklahoma City and Tulsa for work.  We got on the road early this morning, right as the sun peeked above the Eastern horizon.   Listening to Jack FM, which plays a wide range of older music like Journey, Def Leopard, Joe Walsh, with No Doubt sprinkled in there.  The idea of a road trip sounds so Romantic (notice the capital R).  There is music, bad food, horrible jokes and the excitement of going somewhere new and different.

However, sitting in the car right now, it does not feel Romantic.  One guy yawns every 45 seconds.  The other has an earbud in connected to his phone, so that he can participate in an hour long conference call.  I am in the backseat finishing up a report that is due by noon.  And right now Leonard Skynard is on the radio, and I dislike them more than almost any other band.

I’ve not ever been on a proper road trip.  And by proper, I mean a car trip that does not involve the entire family or a winnebago (BTW, the trip to Florida in the winnebago totally deserves its own post).  The closest was buying a map with Craig in the summer of 1995 before we were to head off to college.  We opened the map on his mother’s dining room table and charted different courses that would take us to various corners of the country.  We discussed the random things we could see, the music we would listen to and the places we would stay.  We figured out motel fees and gas, making sure we would be able to stay on the road for a minimum of two weeks without having to worry about money. 

But for some reason we did not go.  I can’t remember why.  Honestly, I don’t remember much from the summer.  Seems possible we were working, and never asked off.  Or perhaps we simply let the inspiration pass away without properly harnessing it the way we should have. 

However, there are a couple of things I can say about this road trip that hold true today, and I am positive they would have held true in 1995.  The countryside is beautiful.  The music is terrible and awesome.  The donuts, coffee and chips are so bad, yet so good.  And watching the country coast by, I feel one with the world in a way I miss out on working 25 floors up in Downtown Dallas.  

#136 Weird Things Vol 2

More weird things:

• I have hundreds of barware glasses for any type of drink you can imagine.  This includes:  wine glasses (6 different kinds including bordeaux and burgundy), whiskey glasses (3-4 different kinds), collins glasses, champagne flutes, tumblers, snifters, beer mugs, pints, pilsners, margarita glasses, martini glasses, highballs, shot glasses, pony glasses (small beer glasses).  I only drink out of 4 of them:  my favorite wine glass, my scotch glass, my crystal whiskey glass for mixed drinks and my beer mug.  
• I also have 8-10 decanters.  Way too many, though most of them are really cool.
• I have moisture absorption issues with my hands.  When I do dishes or take a shower, I get prune hands to such a degree that Simon would roll over in his bathtub...
• I went to Baylor University, and though I had a good experience, I might have issues recommending it to my children.  
• However, if my kid shows interest in A&M I might have to downright refuse to fund his education...those fools be crazy!
• I think I missed out on part of the American adolescent experience because I have never made out with a girl in a movie theater.  The closest I got was kissing a girl in 8th grade while watching Little Man Tate.  We kissed, and then watched the movie.  It was a good movie...
• I have trouble understanding why some people do not like sour cream.  It is so delicious and is necessary for so many meals. 
• Ever since my mom got a phone with texting (a couple of months ago) I receive a text from her 4 mornings each week.  And I actually like receiving them...
• A girl I barely knew in high school referred to me as the "Dude who loves Polos" when our mutual friend brought me up in a conversation recently.  She's right.  I love them!  I guess that's better than "the Dude who loves excess barware?"
• Though I have never made out in a movie theater, I have had sex in the backseat of a car.  That's a piece of the American Experience I DID NOT miss out on...
• When I play golf I start to get cranky by hole 13, usually because I am hungry.  And I really suck at putting.
• My wife spells out words so the dog does not know what we are talking about.  These include: squirrel, hungry, bone, treat.  I usually just say the word and get reprimanded for confusing/upsetting the dog.

#135 Weird Things

Some weird things about me that I cannot completely explain:

• I am addicted to dark chocolate.  I think about it randomly and then have to find some.  
• Not sure that I have "a type" when it comes to girls.  I like them all!  I have not dated anyone taller than me, though this is not from a lack of trying.
• I feel the most proud of myself when I do something nice for someone else.  Ironically, I do not go out of my way to do nice things for people all that often.  
• I am at my best when "an urgent fire" needs to be put out at work.  I can oftentimes get mired in the day to day routine of any job I have.  Perhaps I should be a 911 operator, though I am terrible at answering the phone.
• I talked to L. last night about scheduling an entire Saturday night for drinking and cleaning/organizing all the old records I have.  Sounds like a chore and a beating to everyone else, but to me sounds like an awesome Saturday night.
• I buy certain things in bulk (and by bulk I mean crazy bulk) because I cannot risk having 1 instance where I do not have that item. 
• BBQ Sauce (2 large bottles and 5 small bottles currently at the house)
• Toilet Paper (Each bathroom has 12-15 extra rolls with an unopened container of 36 rolls in the garage).  I will NOT run out of toilet paper and scramble through tissues/paper towels to get by.  
• Mrs Renfro's Spicy Habanero Salsa (1 in fridge and 3 in the cupboard)
• Dark Chocoalte (boxes of different flavors and brands)
• Japanese Rice (I do not buy this, but my aunt in Japan sends me 81 single serving Japanese rice packets per month.  I just gave Cody more than 100 packages)
• Contact Solution (6 bottles under my sink right now)
• Body Wash (5-6 bottles in my bathroom cupboard.  I never buy shampoo, just use some that L. no longer likes)
• Razors (we clean out Target every christmas because they are so cheap)
• Liquor (Beverage Depot is considerably cheaper than any other place, so I stop by there 2 times a year and stock up)
• Croutons (have 6 bags at the house right now.  They last for a long time and croutons=salad gold)
• Cat Litter (I hate buying cat litter for some reason, so I buy 10 large containers 2 times a year) 

#134 Maintaining Motivation

Working out used to be about looking good to attract bitches, hoes and/or hot dudes.  But as we've gotten older it has become more about being healthy so that we might avoid certain complications that come with age.  I like thinking about people's workouts because I like understanding what motivates others and the things they will try to successfully add exercise to their daily life.  Following are ideas I have heard or tried to keep motivated without having to join cross fit or suffer through the impossible P90X:

• Guiltless Sports Viewing:  I can retire to the back room and get a good 90 minute workout in so that no one else in the house has to watch an entire boring soccer game.  This works well for me and is probably the main reason I can remain consistent.  Sports could also be substituted by one of the million home renovation/home improvement shows.  Watching people make their house cooler can actually be motivating.

• A Dash of Violence: Introduce a punching bag to the workout so that there is an element of all out violence making the workout something a person can look forward to.

• Puppy Wear Out:  Running the dogs so that they get their exercise, and you get yours.  I know someone who does this and he/she runs each dog separately, in order to maximize the amount of time he/she is running.  Plus, running both dogs at the same time doesn't work because they are excitable and crazy.

• Party Exercise: Drinking and/or smoking to make a workout fun.  I do not do this personally, but have seen it plenty of times.  Usually I see it lead to bad form, but I know a lot of people who claim that smoking out before lifting weights helps keep them focused.  Not sure I buy that.

• Partner Up: Working out with significant other.  I think having a partner helps keep motivation high.  Misery loves company and all that.  Sometimes it leads to one person being pushed too hard, or the other having to relax too much, but I feel like a happy medium can be achieved if both are willing to figure out where that line is.  And both parties must minimize criticism.  

• Low Budget Personal Trainer:  I spent a summer writing and recording 30 minute workouts as if they were mix CDs.  I would call out "pushups" followed by 30 seconds of silence...followed by "lunges"... etc.  This allowed me to tune out mentally.  I followed the instructions, executed the task for 30 seconds straight, listened to music and after 30 minutes I was freaking tired and sore.  I intermix these with other workouts because these are tough.

• The Reward System:  If I workout then I can enjoy 2 glasses of wine with dinner instead of just one.  For me the rewards are attached to drinking, but one could easily substitute desserts here.

• Ink Meter:  Get a tattoo in a key spot like your stomach or bicep.  Once you see the tattoo becoming distorted, make sure you head to your gym.  

#133 A Problem With Guys - Vol 1

I know guys are annoying and dumb, and that this poses many problems throughout the world.  However, I stumbled upon another problem today I would like to explore.

A problem with guys is:  they don't get excited about much.

Today a vendor we work with had Babe's Chicken Dinner House catered to the office.  The girls in the office went NUTS!  They danced and skipped around.  They woke up early and ran a little extra so they could enjoy more greasy calories.  They counted down the minutes to lunch time starting around 9:15 am.   And when the woman walked in with the food, they cheered.  No kidding.  They CHEERED!  Their reactions made me so curious about the food because seriously, who cheers over fried chicken, corn, mashed potatoes and lettuce.

The women in the office described each entree using the word "crack".  They would say, "don't forget to get your lettuce laced with crack" or "you should get 2 helpings of crack corn".  They all agreed that the biscuits were made with flour, butter and crack, because no matter what you will come back NEEDING more.

I tried everything and must say that the corn was pretty good.  Tasted like corn with a lot of butter in it. The chicken tasted like fried chicken.  The mashed potatoes tasted like mashed potatoes with a lot of butter in them.  The lettuce salad tasted like lettuce with not enough vinegar and oil.  The biscuits tasted like biscuits cooked with a lot of butter in them.  I guess my point is, the food was ok, but it was like eating at pretty much any other fried chicken place.  Nothing to get excited about.

And that is when it hit me.  Maybe it was worth getting excited about.  The other three dudes in the office filled their plates and answered the emphatic cheers much like I did.  They nodded, smiled and answered politely, "This is good chicken and stuff..."  Perhaps we are incapable of getting excited.  Perhaps we're boring.  Perhaps we have not learned the important lesson that life is about enjoying the little things.

I reflected on this while watching all the women in our office have so much fun eating the fried chicken.  I thought about all the things I've seen girls get excited about recently:

• Getting gelato after dinner
• Ke$ha playing in Dallas
• Tiff's Treats
• Something coming in the mail.  She was not even sure what it was, but was excited until she opened it and realized it was an industrial set of toe nail clippers and guitar wall mounts
• Trublood and Dexter Sunday (Sadly, I did get a little excited about this as well)
• When one of our flowers blooms in the garden
• Ordering dessert at a restaurant
• The day office supplies are delivered
• Packages of flavored sunflower seeds
• Getting to hang out with Hadley (This one get's me excited too)
• Ordering a shake from Jack in the Box
• Knowing that she can spend an entire day in pajamas
• Breakfast tacos being brought in to the office, doesn't matter from where
• Stopping at Buc-ees for weird stuff on the way to client meetings in Austin/Waco/Houston/San Antonio
• Buying a 300th pair of shoes
• Receiving another trinket (could be wiener dog shaped, but could also be something else like a rabbit, owl, frog, noah's ark... depends on the specific girl we are talking about.

I notice how simple things, things we could choose to do anytime we want can make the girls I interact with daily so excited.  And I don't feel like I see guys getting excited like this on a daily, weekly, or even a monthly basis.  I think guys are missing something here.  

I'll end with words of wisdom brought to us by Augustus McCrae who said, "The only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things like, a sip of good whiskey in the evening, a soft bed, a glass of buttermilk, or a feisty gentleman like myself."

#132 College Memories (Sophomore Year)

My Sophomore year of college was easily the worst year of my life.  Due to extenuating circumstances I moved from Waco to Houston in order to attend the University of Houston and live with my mom in a house in The Heights (not the hip part, but the run down part).  Following is a list of memories I have from that year:

• No Code came out that year and I listened to it everyday through a discman that plugged into my cassette player in my car.
• Growing my hair out.  I did not cut it at all and it eventually grew past my shoulders.  Made me look more Hispanic/Native American.
• I bought my first ever car - a practical, white Nissan Stanza for $5,300.
• Playing basketball in the mud outside in our backyard.  Not sure how or why we had a goal, but I played every evening before dinner.
• For dinner mom and I ate churches chicken at least 3 times a week.  The biscuits rocked.  One night Dugat and I drove to Churches to pick up food when we witnessed a cop chasing a young kid down the street.  As the cop entered our headlight beam, he completely wiped out in the middle of the street.  Dugat and I were not sure if we actually saw this, or if it was some flashback experience from an episode of COPS my mom made us watch.
• Running in Herman Park.  
• For New Years Eve, Shelley drove me and Dugat around town looking for cool bars to visit.  Dugat and I spent a good deal of the evening screaming at cars on the freeway.  When I got home, my mom had to deal with me and I woke up the next morning with my shoes still on and blood all over my clothes from wiping out a couple of times.  Not good!
• Eating lunch on the U of H campus and the squirrels would walk right up to me and wait for food.  I was bad and would make an extra sandwich to share with them.  I usually sat at a picnic table off to the side with 6-7 squirrels standing all around me.  One time there was a fat one sleeping in the middle of the sidewalk and all us students simply stepped over him on our way to class.  
• Drinking Crown Royal every night.  Even today, Crown Royal reminds me of sitting on the Harvard Street Porch with a cigarette and a glass of whiskey.
• Every morning I woke up to freshly brewed coffee.  The coffee maker did not work right and caused a terrible puddle on the kitchen counter.  I drank 2 cups each morning while watching Garfield and Friends before going to school or work...
• I worked for C-Air-s Mechanical.  2nd worst job of my life.  They hated me because I was in college and they did nothing to make me feel welcome there.  
• During the summer I worked for TX-Dot.  You would think this would have been the worst job of my life, but it wasn't.  While the work was utterly terrible, the experience was fun in a weird way.  And I hope to never forget the greatness that is Thomas Moss, Johnson, and Ned's forehead.
• During my first semester at U of H I got the courage up to ask a girl out and was happy when she said yes.  I picked her up at her house to discover that she had cut all of her hair off.  The pixie-style cut looked more like a dude haircut than a cute girl haircut.  The date was going fine until she wanted to meet a group of her "older" friends at a club that would not let in a 19 year old.  
• Taking Reverend Bob's writing class with Dylan.  Reverend Bob liked my writing and that was the only A I got the entire year.
• Dugat coming over to watch Talk Radio, Caroline in the City, Friends and Seinfeld.
• Possum living in the attic.  You could hear it scurrying around.  I hated it, but my mom thought it was funny.  
• Chris visited one weekend and brought with him from Waco a bottle of rum.  He, Tarik and Shuard (sp?) went to a frat party in Austin where they stumbled upon boxes of liquor.  They stole as much as they could carry, getting away with a couple of cases of rum and 1 case of melon liquor.  It was this weekend that I decided I was going back to Baylor no matter what the cost.  One of the best decisions of my life!
• Getting two flat tires on one drive home.  The girl I was visiting lived in Pasadena, which was a long drive.  I was stranded at 2a on the side of an unfamiliar road and was too intoxicated (as evidenced by the two flat tires) to do anything about it.  I sat on the curb wondering how angry mom was going to be for receiving a phone call to pick me up in Pasadena.  Instead, a Mexican dude in an El Camino stopped and asked me if I needed a ride.  I told him I lived 45 minutes away.  He was fine with it.  He took me home and I gave him all the money I had for gas.  Moments like that give me hope for humanity...

#131 Prankster Chair

My office chair has two pranks it cannot get enough of.  The first is the Surprise Sinkhole.  I sit down only to have the bottom of my world pulled out from under me, causing me to gasp and hit my elbow or arm on my desktop.  The chair hisses in laughter while I commend it on a well played joke and readjust it to a normal height.  The second is Grandma's Crazy Rocking Chair.  I sit down in what I think is a normal chair, only to discover that it temporarily becomes a disjointed rocking chair that almost causes me to fall all the way backward.  This one is not as funny, because oftentimes during my course correction, I pull a muscle in my back.

I have tried a couple of times to pull the ole switcharoo with someone else in the office.  However, the people here know about the Prankster Chair.  They've enjoyed its antics.  And more importantly, they would certainly know the culprit if they one day arrived at work only to have a well timed Surprise Sinkhole take their breath away and cause them to hurt their elbow.  

So, Prankster Chair, it's you and me...until I win the lottery and I buy the sweetest office chair ever!