#71 Night Games

A perfect evening for me would involve playing games with my friends. Looks strange written out like this, but it is true. I like to play games. Over the years, the games I like to play have changed. Following is an exploration of the games that have filled the various times in my life.

Elementary School: I played Parcheesi and Connect 4 with my parents. Sometimes we played Chinese Checkers, but that game really frustrated me.

Junior High: Played Life and Monopoly. We use to extend Monopoly out by allowing credit outside the mortgages on the backs of the property cards. We just tallied up bills. At the lake house we played Scattegories and Pictionary, my two favorite games for a long time.

High School: Risk became a key game during this part of my life. Games would last all night, and oftentimes into the next day. Risk had a way of ending with a board clearing sweep by a losing player. If I remember correctly, Craig had the most board clearing endings. I remember we would find Risk pieces on his living room floor for days. We also played a lot of BS and a poker game called Challenge.

Freshman Year of College: We played Chess almost every night at Common Grounds. I remember I did not have any money and would have to accept a free Dr. Pepper or coffee from Chris, who felt bad seeing me out there for hours without something to drink. Other than that, there were not a lot of games played in the dorms.

Rest of College: Played a ridiculous amount of drinking games including P&A, Categories, Up the River, Pyramid, Circle of Death, High/Low, Egyptian Rat Screw, Quarters, Chasers and Beer Pong. L., Jill and I went through a serious Dr. Mario phase during college that was odd.

Just After College: We held onto a lot of the drinking games for several years, staying mainly with P&A. We also played a game called Settlers of Catan. We started playing Texas Hold Em as well. It was during this period that Scene It had a brief appearance in our evenings until people got frustrated with how much movie knowledge me and Katrina seemed to have. Every Christmas Eve we played Uno.

Tyler: In Tyler we played Texas Hold Em a few times, but mainly we played Pictionary and Guitar Hero. Man, we played some serious Guitar Hero. I was addicted and could play the same three songs over and over. And with Pictionary, L. gets so competitive. Her teammate is guaranteed to get yelled at, which can be intimidating to new members. However, her team always wins. She is very good.

Back in Dallas: Since being back in Dallas we mostly play Apples to Apples. The last game evening we had there were two games we played that were fun, but I cannot remember what they were. I cannot seem to find anyone to play Risk with me.

#70 Japan: Adventures In Food

On our trip to Japan it was important for me to be openminded about the food I ate. I wanted to try everything at least once and I wanted to learn what Japanese people ate on a regular basis. If forced to choose a favorite Japanese meal I would have to choose between Okonomyaki or Yakituri. Okonomyaki are weird meat pancakes that you cook on a griddle in front of you. The ingredients include batter, an assortment of meat, vegetables and a raw egg. You mix the batter and cook like a pancake. In the middle of the process you crack the egg and place on top of the pancake. Once the thing is done you drizzle your pancake with a Japanese BBQ sauce. It was interesting and tasted better than the more traditional Japanese meals we ate.

Yakituri consists of skewered meat basted with different spices and sauces, then grilled. I enjoyed our Yakituri meal immensely. It likely would have won my favorite Japanese meal award, except that I like the Okonomyaki photo better.

L. and I are huge sushi fans and one would think sushi might have been considered for this coveted award since it originated in Japan. Our one sushi experience at the Skiji fish market, while interesting and fun, proved to be disappointing as far as the food was concerned. First of all, our chef was sick and he constantly coughed and sneezed on our fish. We like sashimi best, but at the restaurant we chose on the outskirts of the market the sick chef cut such large pieces I felt like I was eating a raw fish corndog. Did not feel the same as the delicate sashimi we get here in the states.

We also enjoyed a traditional Japanese meal with a group of friends we met. The meal consisted of several courses that included shrimp that still had the heads and tails attached. The worst thing I ate in Japan was from this meal. It was a squid fresh out of the water. I am not even positive it was dead. The thing was squishy, clammy and much too big to be eaten as one bite. I put the squid in my mouth and when I started chewing it felt like I bit into slimy entrails. Not a good experience.

When visiting with my aunt, we ate Oden. My family insisted on us trying it and I must say it was not good. If forced to describe it I would say it was similar to muchy beef sticks with a strange flavor. Tasted overly processed but with a displeasing consistency. I ate everything in this picture, and had to force myself to smile when my relatives asked me if I liked it.























On a side note, we saw the two young women in the below picture at the Okonomyaki restaurant. We noticed many of the Japanese youth to be dressed like dolls or characters out of the Nutcracker. We asked friends and family members about these young people and they informed us this fashion is in style at the moment. I thought to myself, "Man, these kids today are weird." And then I realized I sounded like my dad when he saw me wearing Jams and a t-shirt.

#69 Longtime Friend

Question: Who is the person you have been friends with the longest and still keep in touch with?
Answer: Chris White

Here are some fun facts about me and Chris. Hope his dad does not read this.

* We met in 2nd grade. I was in Miss Leverman's class. He was in Miss Brannock's (or something like that).
* Chris had a slumber party at his house one year and we thought it would be a good idea to have a boxing tournament. I got hit in the face and started crying. I threatened to go home because they weren't boxing fairly. I got as far as getting my shoes on before Chris convinced me to stay. He promised me no one else would punch me in the face.
* I broke my arm in his front yard attempting to do a bicycle kick we saw in the Sylvester Stallone movie Victory. Uncle Eric had to pick me up and take me home.
* While playing laser tag at the mall Chris accidentally punched a girl with his laser gun. She bled all over the mall. After that all guns became attached to the vest they make you wear.
* While playing football together for the SBJH B-Team Chris had a game where he caused a fumble, recovered a fumble, sacked the QB and had a handful of tackles. On the morning announcements I was recognized as a standout player, though I am not sure I even did anything in that game.
* The first girl Chris asked out was named Robin. He called her and asked her out on my kitchen rotary phone.
* In high school Chris put on an Ewok mask and dove down his stairs. Later that night he cleaned up at least three different places in his house where I had violently thrown up.
* Throughout high school Chris was the voice of reason. He fought with me endlessly on how far we would take the activities we participated in. I kept trying to stretch his comfort zone to include morally questionable, potentially illegal behavior while he tried to keep me reeled in to reality. It was this push/pull relationship that most likely kept me out of serious trouble.
* For the longest time Chris's dad thought we were gay. Not sure if he still does.
* We took guitar lessons together with a guy named Wally. I farted once at our lesson and Wally scolded me saying, "Man, don't do that. I like to sniff that chair after my 6 o'clock lesson". I don't think he was kidding.
* Chris and I bought and built hockey goals using PVC pipe. We played after school everyday and managed to get some of our school's most attractive girls to play hockey with us. When Chris was ready to sit he would let his feet roll out from under him and he would land harshly on his butt. He looked funny doing that.
* Chris is talented at doing the twist. Once Craig played Lorelei (from Styx) and danced in Chris's face. Chris broke out a hard core twist that sent Craig unexpectedly backward.
* Chris can open jars better than anyone I know.
* One summer we started a lawn mowing business. We made and distributed flyers and managed to get 1 steady client. We tried to undercut the competition with our $18 package deal.
* Growing up Chris had an unnatural affinity toward Ted Nugent. I had an unnatural affinity toward the Swedish Chef.

#68 Ten Facts

Been challenged to reengage my blog with 30 posts in 60 days. Wish me luck. Here are 10 facts about me:

1) I have the ability to stay up as late as the last person in any given evening. However, once I climb into bed I fall asleep within seconds.

2) I have slightly webbed toes and cannot move them individually. And this has not made me a faster swimmer.

3) I do not wear deodorant and I do not have BO problems.

4) I cringe each time my work phone rings.

5) I use the same voice to impersonate everything: people, animals and inanimate objects. Strangely, my impersonation fits my mother spot on.

6) On a Saturday afternoon if forced to choose between writing on a novel, playing music with a band, or playing a sport, I would most likely choose playing a sport. Almost doesn't matter the sport.

7) I can watch long, boring movies better than most people. I can also watch crappy 80's movies better than most people. However, I have a difficult time with modern day crappy movies.

8) Things I love more than any dude should: disney movies, jasmine vanilla aromatherapy hand lotion, wine, my puppy, playing pictionary, movies about gladiators, chocolate chip cookies, painting weiner dogs, TruBlood, cooking with our home grown peppers, shopping online

9) Things I love as much as any dude should: Dirk, pizza, whiskey, playing ping pong, the original Star Wars Trilogy, being at the lake house, movies about Scottish revolutionaries from the 1200's, The Most Interesting Man in the World commercials

10) Of all things, I am most proud of my 8-year marriage. I certainly did a superb job choosing and wooing a beautiful and intelligent girl. But also, we have done a great job of growing together and moving our lives in a forward direction. Our relationship has kept me emotionally and intellectually engaged, and has enabled me to keep a positive attitude in all other aspects of my life. And our relationship has kept me entertained (you should see her argue with the dog...it is very entertaining).

#67 Obsessive Courtesy Flushers

We have a couple of people here at my office who are obsessive courtesy flushers. That is to say, as they are going #2 they flush every 3-5 seconds, or each time something drips/falls/plops/splashes into the toilet...whichever happens more frequently. Part of me is annoyed by the Obsessive Courtesy Flusher because I feel like they are wasting a lot of water. I am also slightly annoyed because I sit within earshot of the bathroom, so I can hear each time an Obsessive Courtesy Flusher is dropping a load, and I do not like my day interrupted at all by the thought of someone else dropping a load. However, part of me feels like maybe I am the A-Hole that is pissing everyone off by only courtesy flushing when I deem necessary.

Maybe this is the problem. We need to, as a society, develop a universal definition as to the appropriate and necessary times to utilize the courtesy flush. Should we flush each time something exits the bunghole, or should we stop being so sensitive and wait until the entire process is done before considering to flush? And should there be other factors that need to be considered? For instance, if someone is hungover should they flush more. Or if someone ate Taco Bell for their last meal, should they be forced to flush more than someone who last ate Cafe Express? And what are adequate punishments for not adhering to the Universal Courtesy Flush Mandate? As a society we have a lot to consider.

Or perhaps I have spent entirely too much time on this subject already. Nothing like a little bathroom discussion on a Friday afternoon.

#66 2011 Resolutions

The year cannot properly start without resolutions. Generally when setting goals, I like to review my last goal and see how well I may or may not have achieved that goal. I do not want to do that here. Resolutions are designed to allow us to move forward, and that is fully what I intend to do. So, no examining how shitty I was at my 2010 resolutions.

1) My most important resolution centers around my career. I am forever working toward something (no matter what realm of life we are talking about). For the longest time I was not certain exactly what I wanted my career to be (big picture). Now I have a good 5-year goal, which will hopefully set up the rest of my career. I work for an ad agency and have been working the past year and a half on a new client, building them from the ground up. The process has been tough, but rewarding. My resolution for 2011 centers around strengthening my position within the agency as it relates to the growth of this client. I wish to be an integral part of developing the relationship between the agency and the client, while at the same time developing the processes by which the agency executes this clients business. My goal: to be someone within the agency that pitches new business opportunities and moves from client to client in 5 year windows setting up the team within the agency, making it viable and self-serving before moving to a new business opportunity. For 2011 specifically, I want to move myself into the position of running our media team. It is going to be hard, and it is going to take many things happening at the same time. And it is going to take some luck. But I think I am up for it.

2) I started a small writing project a year and a half ago (before I started my job) and I would like to finish it. I have not written in a couple of years, but feel like I have a project I am interested in completing. I am 20-30 pages in and am liking the style in which I am writing. This style is much different than any of my previous projects. I would like to finish this novel/novella in 2011.

3) For my birthday I got an electronic drum set. I have been playing on average 4-5 days a week, 20-40 minutes per session. I have definitely improved, but I wish to be good enough to play in a band within the next 3 years. I need to improve drastically to make this happen.

4) I would like to learn how to make Scotch. For Christmas I got a home Scotch making kit. I have mixed the ingredients and have my first attempt resting in a tiny oak barrel. I am pretty sure it is going to taste like complete shit, but I am interested in learning this year how to not make it taste like complete shit. In fact, I would like to make it taste decent, maybe even good. Just so you know, I am not taking the barley and rye and distilling my own alcohol using the standard 3 year and 1 day required by Scottish law to make Scotch. However, I am taking the pre-distilled liquor, mixing it with pre-provided mash, adding a few of my own ingredients and then letting it mature in a tiny oak barrel in my house. This is not a professional endeavor, purely a recreational one. I feel strongly that any endeavor that yields alcohol is a good one, unless that alcohol tastes like complete shit. Which leads me back to my 4th resolution.

5) I would like to eat more blueberries and spinach. These are power foods that are extremely healthy. Blueberries are known to increase brain health. This is important to me, as my family is predisposed to Alzheimer's. Included with this is my need to address my cholesterol. I was recently tested for insurance purposes and my levels are higher than optimal. I am not in the danger area yet. I do not need to be on medication. However, I do need to seriously consider addressing my behavior so that I do not ever reach dangerous levels of cholesterol. Basically, I want to ensure that my body lives long enough to see my mind go crazy...

#65 2010 Year in Review

Spent some time last week thinking about New Year's Resolutions. My mind kept returning to 2010 and how great it was for me. The following is an impromptu list of things I experienced in 2010, and how I would like to work toward making 2011 be just as great.

* Vacations: New York City and Mexico. I've never been good at going on vacations as I am too cheap to spend money and not particular fond of flying. We went to New York early in the year. I went to Yankee Stadium and Ground Zero. We ate at a couple of New York's finest restaurants, as well as eating from the infamous street vendors. We went to the Museum of Modern Art and McSorley's, one of the oldest and most interesting pubs I have ever visited. The Mexican vacation was an all inclusive that involved a lot of lounging on the beach, eating at the different restaurants and drinking lots of whiskey. A truly fancy resort.

* Sporting Events: I love sporting events and I cannot imagine a better year than my 2010. I saw several Mavericks games from a suite and 2 courtside (hard to watch a game any other way after sitting courtside). The last couple of games I got to walk to the long media table where I know one of the best local sports writers covering the mavs. Felt good telling the high class suite that I was leaving to discuss latest Mavs news with an insider during the game. I saw a Cowboy game in the new Cowboy stadium, also in a suite on the Star level. Not kidding, our parking space was 15 yards from one of the entrances. We were so close they searched our car for bombs using a special bomb canine. I already mentioned Yankee Stadium, which was impressive. My most impressive experience occurred when my brother surprised me with Game 6 tickets to see the Rangers defeat the Yankees to go to the World Series.

* Concerts: I also love music and got to see some great shows in 2010. I saw Rush for the 4th time with Craig and Mark. Always a great time seeing three of the most talented musicians tear it up on stage, even if Craig is off dancing with a wooden fence at the back of the venue. We saw Roger Waters perform The Wall in all its musical and theatrical glory. We saw Better Than Ezra for the 5th time, or was it 6th? Always a good show, and always fun being 10 feet from the stage. And how can I forget JookaBox, the band that describes itself as: Messy, Zombie Punk that will take Metal back to hell!

* Weddings: Stephen and Meghan had a beautiful wedding in Houston that brought the family together for a fun and important weekend.

* Job: Made huge strides developing our client and building them from a start up brand to one we hope to be a household name within 5 years. As I look to 2011 I would like to devote time and energy into strengthening our client, developing our team within the agency and making our agency more successful than 2010. This will be hard, but rewarding when we are successful.

* Music: I got a drum set and am in the process of learning how to play. I did a good job in 2010 practicing each week and I have definitely made progress. My goal is to be good enough within 3 years to play in a band as a drummer. I have 2 1/2 years left to fulfill this goal.

* Kids: We have done a good job in 2010 fending off family and friends from pressuring us into having kids. I am confident we will be just as successful in 2011, though I fully anticipate a more vigorous effort from them.

* My Relationship With L.: I work hard to show L. how much I appreciate and need her. For the most part, I feel I do a good job. 2010 was a great year for us, and I look forward to spending 2011 with her.

#64 Thrown Under The Wuss

I recently joined a coed soccer league and play games on Monday nights. Last Monday one of my female teammates, who I do not know, watched as I prepared myself to defend our opponent who dribbled the ball in my general direction. She said, "Don't be a pussy and go get him." Her words struck an awkward chord with me. Firstly, you do not hear girls say that word often. Secondly, she does not know me. Thirdly, I feel I am not a pussy, especially as it relates to athletics where I do not back down from much.

However, a couple of days have passed and I thought about the possibility of her having a special sense for these kinds of things. I cannot think of any guys who would consider themselves to be a wuss, but there are plenty of wusses out there. Perhaps she sees something in me that I subconsciously block from myself. I have thought about it and have produced the following: A list of how I am a giant wuss.

* I cannot open a jar of pickles to save my life
* I shriek and run away when I see a spider. Especially a big one.
* Could not stand the pain the few times I had any back hairs pulled out.
* When I walk around the attic I am creeped out and overly cautious with every step I take. Part of this is because I am afraid of stepping through the ceiling. Part of this is I am afraid of accidentally waking up a nest of sleeping possums.
* I shriek and run away when I see a snake. Especially a big one.
* I cannot stand for anyone to mess with my cuticles. Just the thought makes me cringe and extremely uncomfortable.
* Seeing a movie with an animal dying makes me cry: Artex, Marley, Hooch, Old Yeller
* Our conference rooms here at the office are so cold that I literally shiver during many of our meetings. I have not resorted to bringing in a special conference room sweater, which should allow me to retain my manhood. However, when I am shivering in there and everyone else is comfortable, I feel like a wuss.
* I shriek and run away when I see a wasp or hornet. Especially a big one.
* I kick and squirm when people touch my feet.
* I cannot handle having my fingers pulled back more than 15 degrees from my palm.
* Messing with a car battery makes me very nervous, as I think no matter how I touch it I will receive an electrical shock.
* My shoulder hurts to an almost unbearable extent 5 minutes after I begin using the weed-eater or blower.
* I cannot walk outside without shoes, and I cannot wear non-flipflops without socks.
* I have to mutilate a package of batteries using multiple sharp tools to get a freaking battery out. I just cannot seem to get the package open using my hands.
* Cannot drink coffee without almost equal proportions of cream and sugar.
* I must avert my eyes during certain types of gory scenes. Specifically when appendages are being slowly cut off, the worst being in the indy horror film Splinter. Also, I must avert my eyes during slow motion replays within NFL games that show gruesome knee injuries.
* I cannot "just deal with it" when my food has been handled by someone I know did not wash his/her hands.

#63 College Memories (Freshman Year)

* Arriving at Penland and immediately seeing Bobby who helped me unload my car to my dorm room.

* Living for a year in my dorm room with the boxes I moved in the same spot where Bobby and I unloaded them.

* A guy on our hall asking Chris for a cigarette while he was in the shower. The guy shamelessly watched Chris shower, and then followed him to our room afterward.

* Playing chess at Common Grounds every night. I drank water, because I could not afford coffee.

* Playing the crap out of Andre's play station in Tarek and Greg's room.

* 2 guys approaching me and Chris at the fountain and asking us if we were The Leapers.

* Listening to Morning Glory, Downward Spiral and Ten ad nausem.

* Boris The Cat

* The lunchroom guy repeating, "We got hammered!"

* Living on pizza and hamburgers.

* A cop knocking on our door while we drank Jim Beam asking if he could jam with us. He was in Chris's face while Chris awkardly avoided breathing, while playing Led Zeppelin.

* Going to Wal-Mart with Nancy and Brandi, and then at the end of the night unsure of whether or not Brandi had a kid.

* Drinking at a stranger's house who lit candles and then threw up while trying not to set his house on fire.

* Drinking Malt Liquor at a stranger's apartment when a giant snake was brought out to play with.

* Greg singing the "Ellen" song.

* The superwoman dive at SMU. She was running because we were in danger of missing the bus after she waited for me to pee on the side of the road.

* Chris and the pot of gold.

* Lance carrying around a book titled, "Awareness."

* Fred leaving our room because The Shining was just too scary.

* Me and Chris growing our hair out. Looked completely horrible.

* Getting pulled over on Valley Mills. I would have gotten away scott-free, but I did not. The cop let me go, and then called me back when he discovered that I had lied to him.

* Going home for Christmas, a month long break, and forgetting to bring home any underwear, socks, or undershirts.

* Going to the first ever dance held on Baylor's campus (First in 150 years) and leaving after 15 minutes.

* Spending countless hours at the Fountain, which is no longer there.

* Being amazed at the number of birds and crickets in Waco.

* Missing the 1995 Pearl Jam concert in Austin. Still have not gotten over this, by the way.

* Tarek using a Loufa in the public shower.

* Medhi calling me and Chris: Beamer and Butthead.

* Staying up all night before my Calculus final in order to avoid failing the class.

* Going to one football game as a member of the Baylor Line. We ran the field, a Baylor tradition that was cancelled because that day saw a member of the band fall off of a ladder due to the Baylor Line running the field. My jersey said "Jefe". Chris's said, "Monkey".

* My spanish teacher approaching me on the first class after the football game exclaiming, "I saw you in your Baylor Line jersey. It says "Jefe". How great!" She had no idea the reference came from The Three Amigos, not my love for Spanish.

* My second semester Spanish teacher calling me "Harby".

* Spending much of my down time on the smoke deck.

* Coming home at 7 am after a Saturday night out. We decided to get breakfast because we knew there was no chance we would wake up by 1p for lunch. We entered the cafeteria completely tired, beat down and sweaty/dirty to discover the cafeteria full of people dressed in their Sunday best before church.

* Dugat and I sending song lyrics we wrote to each other via snail mail. I think I still have many of these letters in my box of writing materials.

* Playing Twisted Metal at Craig's house in Houston over Christmas break. Mark figured out that he needed to put the disc in and turn his Play Station upside down to get his machine to work. Still amazes me that he troubleshooted and figured this out about his Play Station.

* Mark getting really pissed when I used the motorcycle dude to kill him when he was the front end loader.

* Craig and I watching Toy Story in the theater. One of the best movie experiences of my life.

* Opening Christmas presents at my dad's house shortly after watching Toy Story.

* A carton of cigarettes costing only $16

* Seeing Braveheart for the 5th time in the theater with Chris's parents.

* Watching the Academy Awards alone in the common room. I cheered when Braveheart won best picture. I know that is lame, but I truly love this movie.

* Reading several Stephen King novels, including: The Stand, Insomnia, The first three Dark Tower books, and The Shining

* Eating a steak at Mickey's apartment. She cooked it in a broiler and it did not taste very good. But because she was kinda hot and one of the few girls we associated with, I pretended it was one of the best steaks I had ever eaten.

* Switching my major from Math to English simply because I wanted to take a creative writing course.

#62 December 18, 1987

Another excerpt from the flower journal. I must admit, so far this is not as rivetting as I thought it would be when I found it. I am sure it gets better as we get into Junior High years...


I've played 2 basketball games and scored 6 points. I also lost my bike. Well, it was stolen. I have been doing terrible in school, but I will improve. Right now I am suprisingly watching Its a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. I'm watching it on cable. I am having trouble sleeping but I'll go to sleep soon. I can play a lot of songs on my Casio Keyboard. Memaw got me that. We opened presents early. Awhile ago I wrote a poem for my dad and Jeanne. This year I decorated our tree. This is our tree, not someone elses. Today was good.

#61 March 26, 1986

Do you know what you did on March 24, 1986? I am certain most people do not know what they did on this particular day. But I do, because while I sifted through a giant rubbermaid container filled with old writing a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon an important treasure. I found my first journal. Jeanne took me shopping and suggested that I start my own diary. She took me to K-Mart and led me down the school supply aisle. I have no idea how come I chose the most grandma-looking of all the diaries available. Isn't this the strangest thing for a 9 year old boy to pick out?






















Here is the first excerpt. As I read through this thing I may post other entries. Maybe not, depending on how "personal" they are. As you probably know, a young boy's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. Did I just steal that line from Titanic? Anyway, hopefully there will be plenty to enjoy as I read through my very first journal.

March 24, 1986

Today I ate yucky beans. I threw up one of them. I saw It’s a Wonderful Life for the hundredth time. Today I got a haircut and new sunglasses. I played Mr. Ed with my dad and I just found out what etc. means. I had to read a stupid manners book. I got in trouble just because I said, “Gosh!” Tonight I had to read because I was scared. But I had a good dream.

Today I met a kid called Mike. He babysitted me. He’s real nice. We play with his video set. Dad and I played catch and played cards. I had two popcycles. I had real fun today.

#60 Is Mopering A Word?

While waiting for the elevator this morning I noticed the security guard eyeing two girls as they entered the building. His eyes drifted from their faces to their bodies. His head turned with them as they passed and his eyes drifted low as he watched them walk toward the elevators. Now, I like to check out hot chicks as much as the next dude, but this entire ordeal was shameless and awesome.

I can't help but wonder how come this sort of behavior is so heavily one-sided. How come girls do not stand around in public environments shaking their heads at the mere thought of what they could do to the guys who walked by? Think of how different the world would be. And each time I caught a girl staring at me and thinking dirty thoughts (which would happen frequently) I would stop and say, "Damn right!"

Oh wait. I think I just answered my own question. Girls shamelessly checking out guys only encourages guys, and this is something most girls do not need more of in their lives. Ok, I get it.

Writing this post reminds me of watching Revenge of the Nerds on HBO when I was in 4th grade. I watched it with my dad in Fort Hood, TX. There is a scene in the middle of the movie where Booger talks with a cop about a man arrested for mopering. Booger asks, "What is mopering?" The officer explaining it to Booger says, "Mopering is when you expose yourself to a blind person."

After this scene aired I asked my dad what exposing yourself means. He explained it, and to hammer home his point he said, "How would you like it if a girl came up to you and showed you her naked body?" Even at the tender age of 9 I did not shy away from seeing a naked girl.

So, the moral of the story is: Guys are shameless and girls unfortunately must deal with it.

#58 Alice In Slippers

Fate sometimes intervenes in life. When it does, I feel strongly it is our duty to allow fate to exercise its will on our destiny. Wednesday night, while I lay in bed, I perused my phone to see if Alice in Wonderland was still available in movie theaters, hoping L. and I might go out on Saturday night. I discovered that Thursday night was the last night the film could be seen in the nice theater closest to our home. Generally I do not like seeing movies in the theater because they are too expensive, and I do not like seeing movies during the week because I like to relax at home. However, L. and I wanted to see this movie in the theater and Thursday night was our last chance to do so.

On Thursday a coworker approached my desk and asked me if I planned to attend the vendor meeting he'd planned for us. The vendor: NCM (National Cine Media). NCM sells commercial space in many theaters across the country in the space right before the film starts. Her presentation included a montage of big budget movies now in theaters. Alice In Wonderland owned a good 20 seconds of the montage.

At the end of her presentation, the NCM rep handed each of us gold passes to any AMC theater. The theater closest to our house happens to be an AMC theater. I sent L. an email asking if she would be interested in a spontaneous trip to the movies, that fate intervened in our lives and we had a responsibility to embrace this opportunity.

L. and I work hard, and often late. AMC scheduled the final showing for Alice In Wonderland at 7:55p. L. generally gets home (on good days) between 7:30p and 8p. She felt she could take off early from work (6:30p) so we could eat something quick and make it to the movie in time. The plan seemed to work smoothly. L. arrived about 6:45. We ate dinner and left for the movie promptly at 7:40 in order to make it to the theater and into our seats by 7:55p. We did not, however, account for Mall parking lot traffic. We pulled into the Park entrance hoping to get a spot near Dilliards. The road at the entrance forks, forcing L. and I to choose between the right and the left parking lots. I chose the right, thinking that the lot outside of Dilliards is always clear and easily accessible. My thinking was right. I pulled to the right and discovered the lot to have empty spaces from which I could choose.

It was at this point that L. looked down at her feet and discovered she wore her pink, fluffy house shoes. She said, "Oh no! I'm wearing my house slippers!" She got home from work, changed into a nice dress and decided to wait until the last minute to put on her shoes. The last minute turned out to be after we already arrived at the movie theater.

The big question arose: Do we go home and get sensible shoes but perhaps miss the first part of the movie? Or do I make L. see Alice in slippers?

What would you have done?

#57 Domesticated Answer: Fitted Sheets

I know you can relate to many of the issues I address in my previous post (#51) and so I am glad to bring to your attention an article L. found in a magazine. I hope this helps.

#56 Search Trend 4/12

Here are a couple of snapshots of the top ten searches from this week. Some of these confuse me. The Beatles made all three lists, as did the KFC Double Down (which looks disgusting by the way...the sandwich uses ck patties as bread, and cheese/bacon as the inside of the sandwich). Apparently there is an upsurge of searches on basketball wives as well as Steven Segal making it all the way to number 2. I wonder how many searches it takes to make the top ten.

#55 Sewing Machine Redemption

3-4 years ago L. talked about wanting to learn how to sew. She wished to learn how to hem her own pants, make curtains, or fix small issues with torn blankets caused by our cats. It was an innocent remark that led to me buying her a nice sewing machine for Christmas to show her I was listening. I wanted to show her I support her in the endeavors she wishes to pursue in this life no matter how much I like or dislike them.

The sewing machine, as well as my attempts to show her how much I cared, completely underwhelmed her. She responded like Wayne and Garth when they visited green-screen Delaware. She said, "Hey look. A sewing machine. Thanks. I don't know what I will do with it, but thanks. Does this mean I have to start sewing stuff? Merry Christmas to you too, I guess..."

I saw her disappointment and apologized, explaining the comments and thoughts behind the present. And for the last three years, while the sewing machine collected dust in our guest room closet, she would add disclaimers when talking to me. She would say things like, "I like the sweet potato fries at Jake's Hamburgers. But hey, you don't need to get me gift certificates to the restaurant for Christmas this year, okay?" Or, "I wish I could speak another language. Oh, but please don't sign me up for a class this year for Christmas. Thanks."

This past weekend L.'s mother visited from Houston. Yards of cloth littered our living room because of a recent project we were working on to protect our new couch from our cats and dog. D. asked what we were up to and L. answered, "We are hand sewing covers for our couch cushions, because we were stupid and bought a white couch. It has taken us 3 weeks to finish 2 1/2 cushions!!!"

D. responded, "You should get a sewing machine. You could be done in a couple of hours, if you had one of those."

Liz laughed and took yet another opportunity to point out what a foolish Christmas present I purchased 3 years ago, explaining to her mother that we do have a sewing machine, but we could not get it to work properly. D. asked if she could see it. She offered to help us finish our couch cushion project if she could figure out how to make the machine work.

And she could. They assembled the bobbin, ran the thread, adjusted the stitch settings and grabbed a phone book to hoist the foot pedal. Each time the digital screen blinked an error message they consulted the manual and untangled any issues they encountered. A couple of hours later they finished the first cushion cover. L. ran into the living room where I watched basketball and hugged me, exclaiming how happy she was to have a sewing machine. She said, "Look at these stitches! This is much better than hand sewing. And you know what? Now I can hem my pants, or make curtains for our living room. I could even make a wiener dog pillow cover!"

I said, "You know, I think you owe me an apology for all the shit you've given me the last three years for this present."

She smiled and said, "You're right. I'm sorry for all the shit I've given you. I love the sewing machine and can't wait until I am better at using it. Thanks."

And though I am happy the present turned out okay, I must admit I am still somewhat of an idiot for getting her the the sewing machine. No matter what is said, if she got me a hedge-trimmer for Christmas so that I could more easily trim our front bushes, I would probably unwrap the present and say, "Hey look. Hedge-trimmers. Thanks. I don't know what I will do with this, but thanks." And perhaps three years down the line when our bushes are completely out of hand I could trim them and be thankful...

#54 One Hit Wonders

Couldn't sleep last night and found myself on the couch at 2a watching One Hit Wonders on VH1. I do not usually stop on VH1, but I must admit Musical Youth's "Pass The Dootchie" ensnared me. I watched for a few minutes and heard references/snippets on songs like "Don't Worry Be Happy", "Whip It", "Puttin' On the Ritz" and "The Ghostbuster's Theme Song". And then I was blindsided by the VH1 hostess bringing up No Rain by Blind Melon. My initial reaction was anger. This network had obviously not heard any other Blind Melon song/album and had no reason for putting Blind Melon on a list with Devo, Bobby McFerrin, Taco and Ray Parker Jr. (I had to look up who sang the Ghostbuster song).






As I watched other one hit wonders like "I could walk 500 hundred miles" and "867-5309", however, it occurred to me that perhaps the other musicians featured on this show are being misrepresented as badly as Blind Melon. Perhaps Tommy Tutone's album is as impressive as Blind Melon's first album. Perhaps the guy who sang "I'm Too Sexy" has a kick ass sound that was completely overshadowed by a public's irrational love for one of his tracks.



I am not bold enough to taint my itunes recommended listening list by purchasing a Devo album, so I must defer my inquiries to the public. Anyone here get suckered into buying an album from a one hit wonder? Anyone feel angry when they see one of these bands featured unfairly on a late night VH1 crap show?

#53 Gallagher Live?

Gallagher is coming to Dallas to perform? This is one of the craziest things I have ever heard. All uncles who pride themselves on uncle jokes need to attend this show. (An Uncle Joke: I do not understand why they called it Pepsi Free. Because that just means it ain't got any Pepsi in it!!!) So, if you are in and around Grand Prairie the night of April 16, call me and we can go to the show together. Make sure and bring your raincoat, as the first 12 rows get doused by fruit this guy smashes with a gigantic mallet.

#52 Dinosaur Nightmares

I have recurring nightmares that I am being chased by dinosaurs. Last night I was chased by a T-Rex in the middle of downtown. The Dinosaur wreaked havoc, destroying buildings and eating people, and all I could do was crouch behind a bicycle rack hoping the dinosaur did not see me. I took a chance and ran into a nearby hotel. My sudden movement attracted the dinosaur who chased me into the lobby. I ran into the bathroom, and worried that the dinosaur would smell me, I took the smelly urine disc from the urinal and placed it by the door, hoping that it would mask my smell. I sat in the farthest stall with my feet on the toilet so that it could not see me. I wondered how long I would have to wait in there for the Dinosaur to leave the hotel. I wondered if I would be able to sleep in there. I sat quietly and listened until I heard the door to the bathroom open. I could not see if a person opened it, but I imagined the Dinosaur pushed it open with his giant face. I held my breath.

I woke up to my alarm and was frightened, though I could not completely remember why. I am not sure why I have Dinosaur Nightmares but I have them more frequently than I care to admit. Apparently I was eaten by a T-Rex in a former life.

On a completely separate note, I saw a commercial this morning for a Toyota Sienna about a young mom who tells us she is often mistaken as her children's babysitter. She is proud that driving her Sienna makes her look and feel young. There is a shot where she shows us how her two children have their own TV in the back so they can watch their own show. The young boy who sits behind the mom is watching The Neverending Story. The shot on his screen is the same shot I put in my post a couple of weeks ago. Makes me happy that the young, hip mom was passing on classic movies to her children so that we can keep our generation's art alive.

#51 Domesticated Man: Part 2

If you do not remember Domesticated Man: Part 1, refer to blog post #23.

Sundays are the days I catch up on daily life maintenance. It is my domesticated day. Earlier in this blog I mention items around the house that have changed my life for the better, and have ultimately been responsible for making me a Domesticated Man. This posting, however, will be slightly different. Here, I will discuss some of the things I have trouble with and cannot seem to figure out. If anyone reading this has answers, please help me out, as I may be in desperate need.

* Folding Fitted Sheets. I cannot fold fitted sheets to save my life. I try to fold them, but ultimately roll them up in a messy ball and stuff them in the cabinet. They barely stay in there and often fall out when I open the cabinet door for something else.
* Confusing fabric softener with laundry detergent. I once washed 4 loads of laundry using fabric softener instead of detergent. In my defense, the softener company changed the shape and color of their bottle to match the detergent we use. To my detriment, the bottle did have a snuggly bear on it.
* Shirts holding their iron. I iron my shirt, and by the time I get to work my shirt looks like I grabbed it out of the bottom of my dirty clothes hamper before putting it on. I know this is because I use Magic Sizing instead of starch, but I do not like starch.
* Lint rolling. When I lint roll my slacks, or any piece of furniture we have, I get hair up. But I never get all of the hair up. And when L. double checks my work she always uses 2-3 more sheets to complete the job I thought I sufficiently finished.
* Shaving without leaving a stray long ass hair on my neck. Or a small collection of hairs on the under side of my jawline.
* Knowing where anything is in the house. I cannot find the can of tomato sauce L. wants from the cupboard, or where the hell our extra pillow cases are at, or where we keep headache medicine. But I can always find the ketchup, my wine key and I am pretty good at knowing where our plates are, though sometimes I open the wrong cupboard door for some reason.
* Washing L.'s clothes without shrinking something expensive and that fit her perfectly, and that was the best pair of pants/sweater/dress she owned.
* Moving stuff off the counter top before wiping it off. Instead, I employ the move crap around as I am wiping and basically all I do is move around the dirt and food crumbs.
* Turning off my closet light. And I never realize I forgot until I turn my bedside lamp off and there is light coming from my closet area and I have to get out of bed to turn it off. Very frustrating.
* Vacuuming the rug. I run the vacuum over the thing 3-4 times. And once I turn the machine off and move to the next rug L. tells me I have to re-vacuum because I did not do it right the first time. I do not understand this, as there are no other buttons on the machine except the "on" button. And when I am pushing the machine on the rug, the motor is running and my dog is attacking it, so I know I pushed that button correctly. Still, it does not pick anything up and I ultimately feel like it is a waste of my time trying to vacuum.
* Cleaning glass with the blue stuff. I spray it on and wipe it off, but all that happens is messy, cloudy streaks appear that are worse looking than the dried glass circles that were on the tabletop when I began. Not sure how to make glass cleaning actually make the glass look clean. Same goes for bathroom mirrors.
* Flipping an egg that I am trying to cook over easy. The yolk busts every time and I have to call an audible, making scrambled eggs instead.
* Finding the correct lid to the tupperware piece I am using. I do not understand why we cannot have just one size of tupperware that fits only 1 lid. We have 5 different types, and it always takes me to the 5th lid before I find the one that fits.
* Getting the dirty dishes to fit into the dishwasher. I am good at rinsing and scrubbing the dishes by hand, but I put them into the dishwasher and still have 3 bowls, 4 cups and an assortment of wooden/serving spoons that do not fit. I put the powerball gel pack in the machine, but before I can turn it on L. takes everything out of the dishwasher, puts it back in, and suddenly everything fits. I do not understand how this works.