I walked into the office bathroom to take care of some business and noticed the roll of toilet paper to be considerably thin. I glanced around for backup rolls and discovered there to be none. I eyed the roll more closely, gauging whether or not there was enough TP for me to make a commitment, or if I needed to walk to the upstairs bathroom. I decided quickly there was enough and locked the door behind me.
I sat down and started reading my Cowboy's article (discussing whether or not to bench Johnson). The meager roll of TP caught my attention and I started second guessing my decision to commit to this bathroom. I realized what I had done. I had decided to gamble. On one side things would go smooth and I could leave the bathroom unscarred, leaving the problem of no TP for the next person to deal with. On the other side, however, I could have put myself into a world of hurt.
Imagine, what if there was not enough TP. I would have been forced to do something no man should ever do:
1) Use my hand, washing after every wipe. That would have caused me to throw up and every hand I shook afterward would have been mean and unforgiving.
2) Use the cheap paper towels. This would have been no bueno para me culo.
3) Knock on the wall and ask Jai (the girl who can hear everything in the bathroom) if she can get some TP and throw it to me. This would have been embarassing and I am not sure I know anyone at the station well enough to call for TP.
4) After the last sheet of paper, regardless of how clean I was, I pull up my pants and drive home to take a shower and change my clothes.
The whole point of this story is to ask why would I put myself in that situation? I could just as easily walked to the upstairs bathroom. Why make this sort of gamble? Gambling money is one thing. Gambling sanity, embarassment and disgust...that is something else.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
#25 Auto Presentation
During these rough economic times we, as TV Account Executives at KLTV, have been given categories for which we must become experts. Our goal is to learn as much as possible about a particular business so that we can present to the team tips on closing similar businesses. We are also supposed to make ourselves available to accompany other execs on pitches within our realm of expertise. I am an expert in 2 categories(so they tell me), Automotive Repair & Plumbing.
I delivered my presentation on Automotive Repair last week. As I learned in high school speech, it is good to begin a presentation with an attention getter. Considering myself a humorous and witty individual, I usually choose a joke of some kind. Now, I stay away from silly riddles or dirty jokes. Instead, I use subtle humor that is often missed by individuals not interested in paying attention to a presentation.
For my Automotive Repair presentation I began by saying a line similar to, "The automotive repair industry is complex due to the increasing technology used to design and build today's cars. So, I have decided to start with the engine." I clicked my power point presentation to slide number 2 where I had a diagram of an engine. The diagram explained the basic physics of internal combustion. I continued my presentation, "The gasoline travels into this chamber here, where it mixes with oxygen. As the spark plug fires a great deal of pressure is released..."
At this point in the presentation I looked up, expecting to see the pleasant expressions of our execs who understood my fake presentation into the mechanics of an automobile. However, this is not what I saw. Instead, I saw: My bosses confused face. Three execs not even paying attention. One exec with a smile and an understanding nod. And a couple of others from our support staff reluctantly waiting for more information on the pistons causing the drive shaft to spin. I said, "Just kidding," and mumbled something about that being my attention getter before starting on my marketing presentation.
The attention getter was a complete failure and did nothing but make me look dumb. The presentation was a good one, and afterward my boss said, "That was extremely informative. I liked it all, except for the crap at the beginning."
Incidentally, our presentations are forwarded to our VP of Regional Marketing, who used to be the GM of our station. He presents it to all the other sales teams within our corporate umbrella (in this case something like 53 stations). I did not know this happened until he came in my office and said, "Your presentation was very good. Except I did not understand the slide with the engine on it. Can you explain to me what that was?"
This failure reminds me of a class I took at Baylor on Robert Browning. Our professor centered our grades on 2 presentations we gave throughout the semester. One of those presentations I gave with Chris. Using my high school speech once again, Chris and I put together a small skit which was to be used as our attention getter. I cannot remember the specifics of the skit, but I remember one guy in our class getting the subtle humor and laughing. His name is Cliff and he has a high pitched laugh. Everyone else just ignored it, forcing me to mumble, "that was our attention getter..."
Anyway, now I am wondering what sort of attention getter I will prepare for my Plumber Presentation.
I delivered my presentation on Automotive Repair last week. As I learned in high school speech, it is good to begin a presentation with an attention getter. Considering myself a humorous and witty individual, I usually choose a joke of some kind. Now, I stay away from silly riddles or dirty jokes. Instead, I use subtle humor that is often missed by individuals not interested in paying attention to a presentation.
For my Automotive Repair presentation I began by saying a line similar to, "The automotive repair industry is complex due to the increasing technology used to design and build today's cars. So, I have decided to start with the engine." I clicked my power point presentation to slide number 2 where I had a diagram of an engine. The diagram explained the basic physics of internal combustion. I continued my presentation, "The gasoline travels into this chamber here, where it mixes with oxygen. As the spark plug fires a great deal of pressure is released..."
At this point in the presentation I looked up, expecting to see the pleasant expressions of our execs who understood my fake presentation into the mechanics of an automobile. However, this is not what I saw. Instead, I saw: My bosses confused face. Three execs not even paying attention. One exec with a smile and an understanding nod. And a couple of others from our support staff reluctantly waiting for more information on the pistons causing the drive shaft to spin. I said, "Just kidding," and mumbled something about that being my attention getter before starting on my marketing presentation.
The attention getter was a complete failure and did nothing but make me look dumb. The presentation was a good one, and afterward my boss said, "That was extremely informative. I liked it all, except for the crap at the beginning."
Incidentally, our presentations are forwarded to our VP of Regional Marketing, who used to be the GM of our station. He presents it to all the other sales teams within our corporate umbrella (in this case something like 53 stations). I did not know this happened until he came in my office and said, "Your presentation was very good. Except I did not understand the slide with the engine on it. Can you explain to me what that was?"
This failure reminds me of a class I took at Baylor on Robert Browning. Our professor centered our grades on 2 presentations we gave throughout the semester. One of those presentations I gave with Chris. Using my high school speech once again, Chris and I put together a small skit which was to be used as our attention getter. I cannot remember the specifics of the skit, but I remember one guy in our class getting the subtle humor and laughing. His name is Cliff and he has a high pitched laugh. Everyone else just ignored it, forcing me to mumble, "that was our attention getter..."
Anyway, now I am wondering what sort of attention getter I will prepare for my Plumber Presentation.
#24 Sicko
L. and I watched Sicko last night. I know many of you do not like Michael Moore because he is overly anti-republican and can be somewhat of an ass. And I know you guys are skeptical of documentaries in general because the filmmaker has the ability to tailor the facts to fit an agenda. However, Sicko is worth watching. It may not be 100% accurate about everything, but it certainly brings up some interesting points and follows a couple of compeling stories. The documentary opened my eyes and forced me to think about aspects of our system of life that I had not done before.
Afterward, be careful about bringing it up to me because it is possible that I talk your ear off. So watch it and think to yourself, unless you feel like hearing me on my soapbox. If that is the case, just tell me you disagree with our country's need for some form of universal medicine.
On another note, it has been awhile since I have done a superstar showdown. I have an important one for you this week. I want to know which of the two 80's swimsuuit models had more influence on you when you were growing up. This is a tough matchup because there really is no wrong answer.
We have Kathy Ireland v. Elle MacPherson
Versus
I have thought about this matchup for the last couple of weeks without being able to make a firm decision. I just like both of these girls so much and both had much influence on my growth as a young person, that I cannot bear to call one of them a loser. But since the rules of the Superstar Showdown require that I choose, I must choose Kathy Ireland.
Her many appearances on the cover of Sports Illustrated solidified in my mind the superior beauty of women, and caused me to thank god many times for being a boy. She single handedly made sure that my subscription to SI was annually renewed. And I credit her for my love of bikinis, because I am pretty sure it is because of her I like to see L. in a bathing suit even to this day.
And Elle, even though you lost, I will leave you with one positive note. Of all the swimsuit models of the 80's, you wore the topless bikini the best, and I will never forget you for that.
Afterward, be careful about bringing it up to me because it is possible that I talk your ear off. So watch it and think to yourself, unless you feel like hearing me on my soapbox. If that is the case, just tell me you disagree with our country's need for some form of universal medicine.
On another note, it has been awhile since I have done a superstar showdown. I have an important one for you this week. I want to know which of the two 80's swimsuuit models had more influence on you when you were growing up. This is a tough matchup because there really is no wrong answer.
We have Kathy Ireland v. Elle MacPherson
Versus
I have thought about this matchup for the last couple of weeks without being able to make a firm decision. I just like both of these girls so much and both had much influence on my growth as a young person, that I cannot bear to call one of them a loser. But since the rules of the Superstar Showdown require that I choose, I must choose Kathy Ireland.
Her many appearances on the cover of Sports Illustrated solidified in my mind the superior beauty of women, and caused me to thank god many times for being a boy. She single handedly made sure that my subscription to SI was annually renewed. And I credit her for my love of bikinis, because I am pretty sure it is because of her I like to see L. in a bathing suit even to this day.
And Elle, even though you lost, I will leave you with one positive note. Of all the swimsuit models of the 80's, you wore the topless bikini the best, and I will never forget you for that.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
#23 Domesticated Man
I realized last night that I have been domesticated. At one point in my life the little things in life did not matter too much to me. As long as I had a bottle of whiskey, a TV, a soft pillow and toilet paper, I could survive anywhere. This is no longer the case. I have become a domesticated man. Here are a few of the products I have in my house that I can no longer live without. Please post any I may have forgotten, or do not know about, as I would be happy to buy more crap for my house.
* Electrosal Powerball- This chalky cube of chemicals works magic in the dishwasher. Much better than normal or even liquid dish soap. If you have not tried it, go buy it. The gel pouch is even better!
* Lysol wraps- I use these cleansing moist towelettes for everything: the kitchen counter, the oven top, the bar, our TV trays, cat vomit, cat shit smeared on the walls (yes this happens...and you wonder why I want to get rid of them), wine droplets on the tile floor. Everything.
* Magic Sizing- This can of spray is used to iron shape into your clothes. Not as strong or as chemical as Starch, but works well on wrinkled clothes.
* Bath and Body Works Hand Soap- I love this stuff. I wash my hands and suddenly feel like I have been transported into the lushest fields of moonlight dafodils...or something like that.
* Scented Baby Powder- I won't say what I use this for, but trust me, it works. And I no longer need Corn Starch!
* Electrosal Powerball- This chalky cube of chemicals works magic in the dishwasher. Much better than normal or even liquid dish soap. If you have not tried it, go buy it. The gel pouch is even better!
* Lysol wraps- I use these cleansing moist towelettes for everything: the kitchen counter, the oven top, the bar, our TV trays, cat vomit, cat shit smeared on the walls (yes this happens...and you wonder why I want to get rid of them), wine droplets on the tile floor. Everything.
* Magic Sizing- This can of spray is used to iron shape into your clothes. Not as strong or as chemical as Starch, but works well on wrinkled clothes.
* Bath and Body Works Hand Soap- I love this stuff. I wash my hands and suddenly feel like I have been transported into the lushest fields of moonlight dafodils...or something like that.
* Scented Baby Powder- I won't say what I use this for, but trust me, it works. And I no longer need Corn Starch!
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