#14 The Sheets

Before L. and I go to bed each night she rearranges the blanket and sheet in order to match them up properly to avoid bunching. I learned this week that I take this for granted. She is out of town, and on Monday night when I was ready for bed I simply jumped under the covers and went to sleep. 3 or 4 times during the night I discovered parts of me under only the sheet, while other parts of me were being scratched up by our blanket. I shuffled my legs to correct the problem, but that caused the sheet to bunch up. I went through this annoying routine several times throughout the night and discovered I was cranky when I awoke.

Last night I took the covers off and rearranged them and slept wonderfully. So, the moral of the story is do not take your wife for granted. Or else, learn how to rearrange your own damn covers.

#13

L. and I watched 2 aussie movies this weekend, 1 new and 1 old. The new movie we watched was Ned Kelly. It felt like the writer/director crew attempted to make another Braveheart style of movie. It is a long epic about a local hero who defies the curropt Victorian Coppers in the name of the people. The movie was fine and somewhat slow. However, the ending is nowhere near as powerful as Braveheart. Instead, Ned wears a silly costume and walks around and it is very weird. Check it out if you have time. Chris will not necessarily enjoy this one, but you do not need him there to make it entertaining.

The second movie we watched is an old movie called Gallipoli. It is directed by Peter Weir (The Truman Show, Dead Poet's Society), but it is old. Mel Gibson is in it. I am so happy I made L. watch this movie. It looked old and the Austrailian supporting cast was not good. The movie is slow, but there is something about it that was entertaining for me. Perhaps it is because Mel is in it. Perhaps it is because I like long boring old movies more than the next guy. It is possible the infusion of crappy technotronic music made the film more interesting for me. Anyway, the thing is long and I cannot endorse it to anyone otherwise you would never give credence to my movie reviews again. But know, on some level I enjoyed this movie. Chris would make this movie more fun to watch, but it would piss him off to make him watch it.

Been listening to Aqualung recently. A great album. 1 of the songs combines a flute solo with chanting. This is the sort of bold music writing I can appreciate from Ian Anderson, even though I feel silly listening to it now. Wondr'ing Aloud has a great line in it: "And it's only the giving that makes you what you are..."

#12 The Leisel Laugh

I went into a business today and the woman I spoke with had a funny sounding laugh. Reminded me of this girl I went on a date with in college named Leisel. The laugh sounds oddly similar to the noise Wesley and Buttercup make when they emerge from the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp. Instead of being a long drawn out inhaled breath of air, the laugh is more choppy and rhythmic. It is not a pleasant sound.

This caused a particular problem for me and Leisel because I am so funny. With each joke I smoothly delivered she inflicted her terrible laughter on everyone in the restaurant. Finally, enough was enough.

She called me after a few days and insisted that we go out. I reluctantly agreed. On her way over Chris suggested that I tell her I cannot hang out with someone who sounds like they are gasping freakishly for air every time I say something funny (which is frequently). I decided to end it before it could get started.

I sat her down on our porch amidst the broken glass and cigarette butts. She wore a nice, black dress. I told her I could not see her anymore. She asked me why..that she thought we had fun together. I looked her square in the eyes and told her I was not ready to see anyone seriously, that I was too fragile over my last break up. I could not tell her about the laugh. I was weak. She left confused and upset. I went inside, made a drink and probably watched a crappy movie with Chris.

SuperStar Showdown

This week we match up two who may not seem like they should be matched up at all. Well, believe me, they do.

We have:

Paul Reiser

vs

Dennis Deyoung

Enough Said!

#11 The Mutant X Gene

I recently watched all of the X-Men movies and like most people enjoyed the superpower aspect of the story, even though I thought some of the mutant genes were strange (for instance Cyclops, or Gay-ser Beam as I like to call him, has a strange eye laser that shoots from his face). The movie got me thinking about mutations and I have a theory that humans today have mutant genes present in their DNA. If we were to mate with someone with similar powers, the resulting children would have a stronger form of that gene. The powers are not as interesting and far-fetched as the comic, and 99% of people's mutant gene would not warrant a superhero name or even a better life. But I believe these genes are present within each of us, and the trick is to identify it and embrace it.

For instance (and I am going to get shit for bringing this up), I have a mutant gene that I am not sure you guys are aware of. I do not wear, or need to wear deodorant. My body does not react the same to sweat under my arms as it does for other people. The bacteria that cause the BO smell for most people do not thrive in my armpits. I have not worn deodorant consistently since high school, and that was because in 4th period soccer class I had to put some on otherwise my power would be revealed and I would have been labeled a disgusting freak.

I have embraced my power, and realize that I am special. I can see how if I reproduced with the right people, and our kids reproduced with the right people, our offspring would one day (in a million years or so) might actually evolve so far as to have pleasant smelling farts. And wouldn't that be an interesting superpower...

I believe everyone has a mutant X gene. I do not want to presume to know what your specific mutant power is, though for some of you I have an idea, (Chris: an unusually large threshold for bad TV. Craig: Third or Fourth generation Snoring Monster. Tiffany: Her body can transform beer into working nutrients and lose weight at the same time).

Let us know by commenting here what your mutant power is, or if you know someone else's power, you can reveal that as well. This way we can know who should be reproducing with who to form unique superheroes in the future.

#10 Detention

I would like to begin with a decent movie L. and I watched over the weekend called Penelope. It stars Christina Ricci, who I have a crush on despite the largeness of her forhead (or fivehead). It is a modern fairy tale that is charming and for the most part entertaining. Not sure this one is going to bring down the house, but it is a decent movie, and you will not need Chris to watch it.



On the same night we also watched a movie called Zoom: Academy for Superheroes. This has Tim Allen and was a complete waste of time. Well, maybe not a complete waste of time...there was a Biff siting early in the film, and I certainly appreciated that. Biff is getting up there in years, but it made me happy to know he is still alive and in the business. Chevy Chase was also in the movie, but seeing him did not have the same effect. His acting was creepy, and I did not like it. Don't get me wrong, his acting was still better than Kiefer in 24, but not good enough to warrant watching this movie, unless Chris is there and you have a large bottle of whiskey to share.



I want to add a feature to this catalog of worthlessness that I think will be interesting. I do not have a name for it but it is going to be a small list of memories I have from Childhood that you guys may or may not remember. It is possible I remember stuff slightly differently than it really happened, and if this is the case feel free to chime in and let me know what you remember:



* In junior high Chris, Dugat, Chris Dupree and I played tag in the hallway between classes. Anytime we saw each other we were forced to run, just in case that person was it and trying to tag you. I am pretty sure we looked stupid running from each other in the hallways and I am also sure we got a detention or two as a result (All the detentions I got in Junior High were because of Dugat by the way)



* Speaking of Detention, in our 6th grade yearbook Craig is only in 1 picture other than his mug shot. It is a pic of detention with an article about bad kids and punishments. Craig is the largest figure in the picture sitting at a table by himself in the lunchroom.



* I remember the day Craig and I learned to play quarters. Mark arrived home with a friend (I cannot remember his name but he bit a hole in a beer can) and played quarters with us until they left to go out. This was the first night of drinking games in my life. We made silly rules, like the run around the couch before drinking rule, which incidentally did not work too well. We did not like the taste of beer so we brought pieces of bread to chase the beer down with. I can't remember who, but one of us threw up after drinking a sip of beer and eating a piece of bread. I think it may have been me. Later that same night we rigged a ping pong table out of of the dining room table and we used children's books as our paddles.

#9 Which Spouse Is It?

The Spouse Game. Okay...thank you for all the wonderful submissions. Even though not everyone sent me one, I had a good time reading through them. So here is the story that won:

Oh wait, there is no story because I did not receive 1 submission. Obviously this game was not meant for this crowd. I have learned my lesson. I am going to stick with games that do not require participation, such as Super Star Showdown.

This week most of you will be intrigued to see showcased two of the best TV action stars of the last two decades. While both are tough and certainly cool, only 1 can win this weeks Superstar Showdown. So, the question tied to these two legends is this: Which of the two shows (CSI Miami or Walker Texas Ranger) is more unwatchable?

Caruso

vs

Chuck Norris

This question is not easily answered, as I have been forced to sit through each show at least once. Caruso is damn near impossible to watch as he stands erect like skinny rooster. He tilts his head and says the worst lines imaginable. It is truly unbearable (Chris, I know you disagree). But Walker Texas Ranger seems like the show is written by a twelve year old. The plots are predictable and the flying roundhouse kicks come a little too often.

Both shows drive me crazy, but I am going to have to pick Walker Texas Ranger as my winner. I cannot watch that thing at all.

#8 Idiot's Luggage

"1,2,3,4,5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

Every morning I pull into our gated parking lot here at work and type in our combination: 1,2,3,4. As the gate slowly opens I hear the words of Dark Helmet in the back of my mind. It is a great way to start my morning.

Yesterday it came to my attention that the Dugats have not yet seen the movie, "Fletch". It is time for someone to remedy that. Can we get those two a copy of Fletch, please! Until then, this is all that I can offer:

"Moon River...Using the whole fist, doc?"

#7 The Lost Boys

This weekend L. and I watched a couple of films that need to be discussed. First we saw Lucky You, with Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore. I went into this movie thinking it was a romantic comedy. It sort of was, but it was more a poker movie. And it had a lot of poker in it. The movie was okay, but I would not spend money to watch it.

The other movie we watched was The Lost Boys. I made L. watch this, and I am very glad I did. Though the movie is not as cool as I remembered it, I enjoyed the nostalgic value. Here are a couple of things I noticed that are important:

* Bill S. Preston Esquire is in the movie.

* There is a sweaty saxophone player in it.

* Kiefer is young and still can't act, though he is much better than his acting as Jack Bauer.

* Corey Feldman is terrible and all of his lines suck.

* We get to see hard rockin' vampires explode and stuff.

See Bill?

It is definitely worth seeing, but I suggest watching this one with Chris. It will be more fun that way.

An update on Doodle: Stephen came to Tyler to pick Belle up. Last night we released the cats from the back room, careful to make sure Doodle did not attack Polly again. If he did, we vowed to make him an outside cat. So far things seem to be back to normal, which means we are not pushing so hard to get rid of the cats. I know that makes all of you happy.

#6 Freshman Cody

Cody begins college in less than a month, and has recently met his roommate to be. For the longest time Cody has expressed his desire to move out of the house; to go to college and be on his own. This is an emotion we have all felt. That time is approaching and he is now getting nervous. He worries because Beverly tells him how tough college is, that he will need to focus his energy on his studies so that school does not overwhelm him. He does not want to fail or let down his family.

Several summers ago Craig and I shot a documentary on Cody. In it he discusses with Craig how much he wants to go to college and how he wants to take a girl to get a burger and see a movie. I am proud of Cody for graduating high school and going to college, and I look forward to cataloging his experiences for you guys. So, if you see Cody be sure to wish him luck. If you do not see him, just know that for the next few years he will be in college. Let's hope he does not meet a Billy Bible or a Sambo.

Superstar Showdown:
We have another superstar showdown this week. Between these two classic stars, tell me your thoughts on who had the largest effect on your development as a person. For me, the answer is not a simple one. Both had their place in my life and both did excellent jobs of entertaining me. However, for the superstar showdown I must choose between...





Bobcat





and





Ernest





...and I choose Ernest. Bobcat had too many movies where he and his crappy voice annoyed me beyond the point of enjoyment. Ernest, though his naivete and gullability are equally annoying, he had a boyish charm and the ability to make funny faces that never failed to entertain. He was also good at talking to the camera and calling me Verne, which I always appreciated. Bobcat was once the voice of a talking Donkey (or was it a mule?), and that movie almost killed me.

Who wins for you? Go to http://playingostrich.blogspot.com
to post your comments.

5...Full Kilt Ahead?

I discovered this article on the KLTV website. Not sure what to think of this. A guy seriously petitioned to have Kilts as an official mail carrier uniform, citing comfort as his rationale. If L. ever brought me home a Kilt (which I hope she would not do) I would ONLY wear it while watching Braveheart.



Postman Campaigns For Kilts To Be Accepted As Job Attire
Although his idea was soundly defeated at the National Letter Carriers' Association convention last month, Dean Peterson is going "full kilt" ahead.
The 6-foot-tall, 250-pound postman from Washington state is campaigning for the right to take off his pants on the job. He wants the U.S. Postal Service to add kilts as a uniform option for men.
Peterson, who is not of Scottish ancestry, began wearing kilts a couple years ago when his wife brought one back from a trip to Scotland. He now wears them everywhere -- to one son's football games, the other son's concerts, shopping and gardening.
His big reason for pushing kilts for work: comfort. Peterson says with his build, his thighs fill his trousers to capacity, causing chafing and scarring.

4...Where's Jethro Tull?

Liz and I went to a party this last weekend at the house of a co-worker. Her husband, named Kevin, had the largest music collection I had ever seen. He had two walls covered in jewel cases full of music, organized in alphabetical order. Needless to say, I was impressed.



So I perused the shelves, curiously looking at the bands this guy proudly showcased in his home. I found Pearl Jam, of course. I noticed Led Zeppelin. He had Celine Dion, which I thought was strange, but whatever. He had The Cure, even a couple of albums Liz did not have. He had Alanis. But when I went to look for Jethro Tull, they were no where to be found. I thought to myself he must have misfiled them under the T's, thinking that it was a guy and Tull was his last name (Though we all know there is only 1 true Tull in this world). It was not there either. I was crushed. He claims to care about music, but he does not have the "Mozart of Rock & Roll" (term coined by my friend and guitar teacher, Wally).



Anyway, I will no longer go to his house.



Okay, enough about that. It is time to explain the Spouse Game. Basically, I need anyone who looks at this to send me an email...a story of something funny and stupid their spouse has done. Make it a good story, but not necessarily one that will start an argument. If any and every story will start an argument, then send me the best and most outrageous one. I will sort through the stories and post my favorite, making sure to take out all the names and identifying features. After it is posted, I want everyone to post in the comments who they think the story is about. The first to correctly identify the protagonist of the story wins a prize. It may be a lame prize, but it will be a prize nonetheless. So, make sure the story is not one we have all heard before (i.e. young person dives down stairs wearing an Ewok mask). Obviously, if your story is chosen you cannot win the prize. Sound like fun? Just make sure to send me stories, otherwise I will be forced to post one about Liz, and then she will be mad at me for a long time...



My email address is hboydston@kltv.com

3..."Duh, I want to pet the rabbit, George."

Over the weekend Liz and I watched a couple of movies. So, now it is time for Movie Review Monday. The first film we watched was Bandidas. If you do not know this one, it is the Western with Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. The movie's weak story and overuse of cheesy Spanish music almost make it intolerable to watch. However, cat fights between Selma and Penelope kept me interested just enough for Steve Zahn to make it into the film, at which point we get the best scene of the whole project: A Mexican Midget taking photos of a naked Steve Zahn while Penelope and Selma pose provocatively wearing skimpy showtune attire. All in all it is worth seeing, but would be much better to see this one with Chris.

The next film we watched was Lucky Number Slevin. It starts off strange and confusing, with a lot of bloodshed where we did not know who was dying or why they were dying. As the film reveals what is going on the story gets more interesting. Morgan Freeman and Sir Ben Kingsley are great, and Josh Hartnett is not bad either. The ending makes the movie worthwhile. You will not need Chris to watch this one. It is worth seeing.

The final movie of the weekend was Superhero Movie. Liz and I made it 25 minutes into the thing before we decided laundry was a more interesting way to spend our time. Not sure I could have watched this even if Chris was there, and I was able to watch The Gingerdead Man with Chris. My offical word, do not see.

I have been watching Belle for the last week and discovered something interesting. She is the first animal, or inanimate object, I have not assigned the voice of an old, African American man. Instead, she clucks like Goofy, and speaks like the Abominable Snowman in the Bugs Bunny cartoon. "Just what I always wanted, my own little bunny rabbit. I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him..."

2...Parking Next To Shit

A construction site lined the rear of our employee parking lot with Port-a-Potties. There were not enough spaces available for me to avoid parking next to someone's shit. I am not happy about this.

I would like to introduce the first ever Superstar Showdown. All you have to do is choose which of the two is sexier. Should be easy, right?

This week we have:

Kelly Lebrock (Lisa in Weird Science)

vs

Julia Montgomery (Chick in Revenge of the nerds)

Stay tuned next week for The Spouse Game.