#31 Drooling Grimace Face

I learned something new the other day. Not sure how true it is, but seems plausible. I learned that how you sleep (physically...as in what position you sleep in) affects how well you age (physical appearance...as in how you look in your 30's, 40's 50's). Meaning: if you sleep on your stomach where your face is mashed sideways into your pillow causing 8 hours of drooling grimace face to be etched into your skin, there is a better chance of those lines becoming more and more permanent as you get older. This would explain how come the bitter beer face guy has so many lines and wrinkles in his face.

I sleep on my stomach, and I am pretty sure my face is pressed into my pillow drooling grimace style. So, I tried falling asleep on my back, with my face relaxed and smoothed as much as possible.

Not sure that it is working because I always wake up with my face mashed into my pillow. All of this to say that I am slightly concerned that I will turn into the bitter beer face guy, and I don't like it.

#30 A Date Update

Friday night L. and I accompanied Stephen and Krystal to an Italian food restaurant in Tyler called Fiore. I am sorry to report that nothing interesting or humorous occurred during the evening. We ate pasta and talked about work, movies, food, family, and all manner of other things people talk about while eating a meal. Stephen played it cool, which was smart for a first meeting. And at the end of the night he set himself up nicely for a second date...this time alone. When I know more, you will know more.

# 29 A Date

One thing married life affords me (thank god) is the fact I no longer have to date. Instead of working up the courage to ask a girl out and then trying to impressive her with my creative, seductive charm, I now only have to accompany friends and family on double dates...where I get to watch them impress girls with their creative and seductive charm. So far, my resume consists only of Britt putting the moves on a local reporter here by the name of Danielle, not to mention a couple of years back hooking him up with a young girl from the ad agency I worked at. I think I also set him up on a date with the lead singer of the band I played in. Not sure if anyone knew Tiffany had gone out with him, but she did. None of the experiences went well for him, though I got drunk and had fun all three nights.

Well, I am going on another date tomorrow night and am excited about it. My brother, Stephen, moved to Tyler and is going to meet a young woman who works at the station. I will watch closely as he molds typical conversation into humorous anecdotes, or perhaps executes a well timed wink, point and smile. I am going to sit back and drink whiskey drinks, occasionally making note of a particular gesture or phrase so that later I can say to L., "Remember when Stephen did that!"

So, everyone needs to wish Stephen luck. Not only must he meet this girl for the first time and hope to impress her, he must do these things with his goofy, inebriated, older brother watching him.

# 28 Tyler Obama Love

Here are a couple of the ridiculous things I have heard from people in Tyler recently concerning the President Elect:

* Hide your guns!
* He is going to change the American Flag and the National Anthem.
* He wants to turn our country into a socialist regime where everyone is equal, even if they are too lazy to work for themselves.
* Our terrorist enemies are going to see that he is weak and will thus attack our country within a year.

Obviously these claims are ridiculous and it is impossible to argue with people who cannot see how crazy these statements are. Politics are complex and confusing, and sometimes it is difficult to make sense of all the information fired at us. I also accept the fact that democrats are guilty of ridiculous comments too (Whoopi arguing with McCain that he is pro-slavery because he is a constitutionalist), but here in Tyler I do not hear those, so do not have examples to mention here.

At lunch on Monday three people at our table complained that Obama plans to address all of America's problems and by so doing will spread his efforts too thin to do any good. Essentially their complaint was that he wants to do too much good for our country, and he is not yet in office. I told them to give the man a chance before condemning his efforts. They froze and one of them said, "Oh my God! Did you vote for Obama?!"

The entire table (14 people) stopped talking and looked at me. I explained that the odds were unfair for a political discussion, but that I did in fact vote for Obama. So many people at the table started yelling at me from different angles that I could not defend myself. I took it all in and wondered how so many people could be so against something that would help them. The people yelling at me, except 1, make less than $50,000 a year and have chilren. They would benefit from tax breaks to the middle class and their children would benefit from new schools and hospitals. Yet they claimed that all of their money was going to be taken from them and given to bums too lazy to work for themselves.

I explained that Obama is not in favor of increasing taxes so that he can give free money to bums. They shook their heads and told me that is what socialism is: taking money from the hard working people and giving it to the lazy people. I told them that Obama is not in favor of socialism and they laughed at me. They called me brainwashed by the Democratic machine.

Only 1 person at the table made sense. He was the one who makes 6 figures. He said, "Hardy, one of these days you are going to be making a lot of money and you will not want the government to tax you extra."

This is at the heart of all the issues. People who make a lot of money do not want anymore taxed from them. I get that. But there are changes that need to be made. The longer things are ignored or kept at status quo, the more difficult it will be to fix them. And no matter how many problems we have, I would rather our president hope to fix them all and run the risk of spreading his efforts too thin, than have a president who does not attempt at all.

Sorry for the rant, even though this one is pretty harmless.

My husband's true love

# 27 The Coolest Superhero

Dorky people argue endlessly about which of the many superheroes is the coolest. Superman can fly, but is rendered completely useless by kryptonite, which seems to be readily available. Spiderman can shoot cool webs but has been lamely protrayed by Tobey Maguire. The Wolverine is cool and tough, but he must feel intense pain each time his claws come out. There are many superheroes to choose from and just as many arguements supporting or declining their respective rights to that coveted "Coolest Superhero" award.

I have the answer. I know who the coolest superhero is, and I have undeniable proof. Last Friday was Halloween and we prepared by purchasing much candy to give out. We parked in a straight line so that children would have easy access to our front door. We turned on our porch light and opened all our blinds. We dressed in our costumes and put Polly in the backyard. Ultimately...we waited.

No trick-or-treaters came to our house. We checked every few minutes for kids walking down the street. We paced around our front door munching on Reece's Peanut Butter cups and Twixs. We walked out to the street to see if we mught expect any kids eventually. Finally we put on a scary movie all but giving up hope that children would visit our house for candy.

And then the doorbell rang. L. jumped from the couch and adjusted her ladybug wings. I grabbed the dog. She grabbed the bowl of candy and opened the front door to find Batman standing on our front porch. Batman said, "Trick or Treat", holding out an orange pumpkin container.

Batman was the only superhero and only trick-or-treater who cared enough to visit our home for Halloween, and has thus been crowned "The Coolest Superhero".

#26 A Gamble

I walked into the office bathroom to take care of some business and noticed the roll of toilet paper to be considerably thin. I glanced around for backup rolls and discovered there to be none. I eyed the roll more closely, gauging whether or not there was enough TP for me to make a commitment, or if I needed to walk to the upstairs bathroom. I decided quickly there was enough and locked the door behind me.

I sat down and started reading my Cowboy's article (discussing whether or not to bench Johnson). The meager roll of TP caught my attention and I started second guessing my decision to commit to this bathroom. I realized what I had done. I had decided to gamble. On one side things would go smooth and I could leave the bathroom unscarred, leaving the problem of no TP for the next person to deal with. On the other side, however, I could have put myself into a world of hurt.

Imagine, what if there was not enough TP. I would have been forced to do something no man should ever do:

1) Use my hand, washing after every wipe. That would have caused me to throw up and every hand I shook afterward would have been mean and unforgiving.

2) Use the cheap paper towels. This would have been no bueno para me culo.

3) Knock on the wall and ask Jai (the girl who can hear everything in the bathroom) if she can get some TP and throw it to me. This would have been embarassing and I am not sure I know anyone at the station well enough to call for TP.

4) After the last sheet of paper, regardless of how clean I was, I pull up my pants and drive home to take a shower and change my clothes.

The whole point of this story is to ask why would I put myself in that situation? I could just as easily walked to the upstairs bathroom. Why make this sort of gamble? Gambling money is one thing. Gambling sanity, embarassment and disgust...that is something else.

#25 Auto Presentation

During these rough economic times we, as TV Account Executives at KLTV, have been given categories for which we must become experts. Our goal is to learn as much as possible about a particular business so that we can present to the team tips on closing similar businesses. We are also supposed to make ourselves available to accompany other execs on pitches within our realm of expertise. I am an expert in 2 categories(so they tell me), Automotive Repair & Plumbing.

I delivered my presentation on Automotive Repair last week. As I learned in high school speech, it is good to begin a presentation with an attention getter. Considering myself a humorous and witty individual, I usually choose a joke of some kind. Now, I stay away from silly riddles or dirty jokes. Instead, I use subtle humor that is often missed by individuals not interested in paying attention to a presentation.

For my Automotive Repair presentation I began by saying a line similar to, "The automotive repair industry is complex due to the increasing technology used to design and build today's cars. So, I have decided to start with the engine." I clicked my power point presentation to slide number 2 where I had a diagram of an engine. The diagram explained the basic physics of internal combustion. I continued my presentation, "The gasoline travels into this chamber here, where it mixes with oxygen. As the spark plug fires a great deal of pressure is released..."

At this point in the presentation I looked up, expecting to see the pleasant expressions of our execs who understood my fake presentation into the mechanics of an automobile. However, this is not what I saw. Instead, I saw: My bosses confused face. Three execs not even paying attention. One exec with a smile and an understanding nod. And a couple of others from our support staff reluctantly waiting for more information on the pistons causing the drive shaft to spin. I said, "Just kidding," and mumbled something about that being my attention getter before starting on my marketing presentation.

The attention getter was a complete failure and did nothing but make me look dumb. The presentation was a good one, and afterward my boss said, "That was extremely informative. I liked it all, except for the crap at the beginning."

Incidentally, our presentations are forwarded to our VP of Regional Marketing, who used to be the GM of our station. He presents it to all the other sales teams within our corporate umbrella (in this case something like 53 stations). I did not know this happened until he came in my office and said, "Your presentation was very good. Except I did not understand the slide with the engine on it. Can you explain to me what that was?"

This failure reminds me of a class I took at Baylor on Robert Browning. Our professor centered our grades on 2 presentations we gave throughout the semester. One of those presentations I gave with Chris. Using my high school speech once again, Chris and I put together a small skit which was to be used as our attention getter. I cannot remember the specifics of the skit, but I remember one guy in our class getting the subtle humor and laughing. His name is Cliff and he has a high pitched laugh. Everyone else just ignored it, forcing me to mumble, "that was our attention getter..."

Anyway, now I am wondering what sort of attention getter I will prepare for my Plumber Presentation.

#24 Sicko

L. and I watched Sicko last night. I know many of you do not like Michael Moore because he is overly anti-republican and can be somewhat of an ass. And I know you guys are skeptical of documentaries in general because the filmmaker has the ability to tailor the facts to fit an agenda. However, Sicko is worth watching. It may not be 100% accurate about everything, but it certainly brings up some interesting points and follows a couple of compeling stories. The documentary opened my eyes and forced me to think about aspects of our system of life that I had not done before.

Afterward, be careful about bringing it up to me because it is possible that I talk your ear off. So watch it and think to yourself, unless you feel like hearing me on my soapbox. If that is the case, just tell me you disagree with our country's need for some form of universal medicine.

On another note, it has been awhile since I have done a superstar showdown. I have an important one for you this week. I want to know which of the two 80's swimsuuit models had more influence on you when you were growing up. This is a tough matchup because there really is no wrong answer.

We have Kathy Ireland v. Elle MacPherson



Versus



I have thought about this matchup for the last couple of weeks without being able to make a firm decision. I just like both of these girls so much and both had much influence on my growth as a young person, that I cannot bear to call one of them a loser. But since the rules of the Superstar Showdown require that I choose, I must choose Kathy Ireland.

Her many appearances on the cover of Sports Illustrated solidified in my mind the superior beauty of women, and caused me to thank god many times for being a boy. She single handedly made sure that my subscription to SI was annually renewed. And I credit her for my love of bikinis, because I am pretty sure it is because of her I like to see L. in a bathing suit even to this day.

And Elle, even though you lost, I will leave you with one positive note. Of all the swimsuit models of the 80's, you wore the topless bikini the best, and I will never forget you for that.

#23 Domesticated Man

I realized last night that I have been domesticated. At one point in my life the little things in life did not matter too much to me. As long as I had a bottle of whiskey, a TV, a soft pillow and toilet paper, I could survive anywhere. This is no longer the case. I have become a domesticated man. Here are a few of the products I have in my house that I can no longer live without. Please post any I may have forgotten, or do not know about, as I would be happy to buy more crap for my house.

* Electrosal Powerball- This chalky cube of chemicals works magic in the dishwasher. Much better than normal or even liquid dish soap. If you have not tried it, go buy it. The gel pouch is even better!

* Lysol wraps- I use these cleansing moist towelettes for everything: the kitchen counter, the oven top, the bar, our TV trays, cat vomit, cat shit smeared on the walls (yes this happens...and you wonder why I want to get rid of them), wine droplets on the tile floor. Everything.

* Magic Sizing- This can of spray is used to iron shape into your clothes. Not as strong or as chemical as Starch, but works well on wrinkled clothes.

* Bath and Body Works Hand Soap- I love this stuff. I wash my hands and suddenly feel like I have been transported into the lushest fields of moonlight dafodils...or something like that.

* Scented Baby Powder- I won't say what I use this for, but trust me, it works. And I no longer need Corn Starch!

#22 Movie Quote Game

The station held a sales retreat Friday lasting all day. On Thursday at 4:45 my boss asked that I come up with a game using movie quotes (I have a dry erase board in my office where I post movie quotes for people to guess. As a result I have developed the reputation for being a movie quote guy... aka loser).

L. and I spent a good amount of time organizing the quotes and writing them on a giant pad. L. was extremely helpful in this process. A couple of times I got stuck on what lines to use. We ended up watching about 40 minutes of Pulp Fiction and about an hour of Dumb and Dumber.

The format of the game is easy. I have three quotes per film ranging from obscure to obvious. I reveal the quotes one at a time. I got the GM of the station (the big dog) to do his best impressions of each quote as I revealed them and people could guess the movie at any time. Here are some funny tidbits.

* The GM of the station/Quote Reader had not seen Dumb and Dumber. The quote was, "Big Gulps, huh? All right. Well, see you later." Jim Carrey says this outside a quicky mart in a dorky sounding voice. Our GM read the thing in a brooklyn tough guy accent, thinking it was a gangster movie. No one could guess the movie.

* The sweetest woman working for the station remarked after the third movie, "I don't understand this game." I explained it to her again. She said, "well, I don't watch any movies, so I guess I can't win, can I?" I shrugged and said I included a movie she would definitely get (The movie was the Wizard of Oz). She smiled and said, "Okay." The next movie quote to be revealed was, "Well, actually a pretty nice little Saturday. We're gonna go to Home Depot. Buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring stuff..." The sweetest woman jumped from her chair and screamed, "Old School!" She was very excited.

* Another woman announced that she did not like this game. She said, "Who remembers the crappy lines from crappy movies, anyway?" Everyone looked at me and I raised my hand. She said, "I'm not trying to be rude, but this game is dumb." Three quotes later she got Wizard of Oz and announced that she liked the game, she just needed to understand the point better.

Les Bos, Scissoring & Monkey Holes

#21 A Nice Hug From A Stranger

Our station partnered with The Boys and Girls Club of Tyler to host an event this past weekend called A Day For Kids. I worked our Kid's Cast booth where we allowed kids to act out 30 seconds of a news cast and we recorded it onto a DVD for them to take home. Craig called during the day to ask me which good books I'd recently read because he was at a bookstore and wanted something good to read. I suggested Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted and Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, both of which are interesting and different, and worth reading. He settled on a book called Apathy and Other Small Victories.

While on the phone with Craig a familiar looking woman passed within my view with a young child. She seemed to recognize me and I could not place how I knew her. She approached the booth and began talking to Cory, a young man and a friend of mine, working the booth with the rest of us. As Cory took the child into his arms I realized the woman was his new fiancee, who I know fairly well, and that I had not congratulated her on her recent engagement.

I hung up with Craig and put my arm around Cory's Fiancee and said, "Meredith, I haven't seen you in awhile. Congratulations."

The young girl turned around and said, "I'm not Meredith." When she turned I could see that she was not Meredith, but she looked a lot like Meredith and she had with her Meredith's child, who she brought for Cory. I was confused. I froze.

Before I could think of anything to say or do Adam approached the group with a big smile on his face. Adam is our Operations Manager and close friend to Cory. He pulled the girl into a hug and said, "Man, it's great to see you. How have things been?"

The girl let herself be hugged. She said, "Things have been good. But I'm not Meredith." Adam stepped away and laughed, thinking this was some kind of joke. He took a good look at her and realized it was not Meredith, that it was in fact someone different. However, the girl looked so much like Meredith he did not know what to say. He froze.

The young girl understood the problem and said, "My name is Allison. I am Meredith's twin sister." Adam and I nodded our heads calmly as if that were the obvious answer. Adam said, "I'm sorry I hugged you." She said it was okay, that it was a nice hug from a stranger.

#20 BBQ Sauce...

I visit the McDonald's by my house for snack wraps whenever possible. I order the Crispy Ranch snack wrap and ask for 2 sides of Chipotle BBQ sauce. The to go person at this McDonald's never knows where the BBQ sauce is located. Incidentally, I do. It is above their head just to the right of the window. I guess they do not get enough people asking for the sauce, so they are not comfortable finding it.

Anyway, the other day I went through the drive through and when I asked for the Chiptotle BBQ sauce the guy looked at me as if I were speaking another language. He said, "2 sides of what?" I repeated, "Chipotle BBQ sauce." "What?" he repeated.

Apparently I mispronounced the name. I called it Chipolte BBQ when he was accustomed to calling it Chipot-LE BBQ. In a smug voice he said, "Ohhhhh!, Chipot-LE BBQ sauce. I see what you want now." And then he looked around the register and among the condiments for the sauce and could not find it. He had to get the manager, who promptly reached above the window to the right.

#19 Ike and Cadet Jones

On friday night L. went to Shreveport for a bachelorette party, leaving me to entertain myself alone in Tyler. I watched a documentary we recorded on our DVR called White Light/Black Rain. It told the story of many survivors of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bombs.

After the documentary ended, and as I sat reflecting on the atrocities of atomic warfare, L. sent me a text message. It said something like, "We are at a comedy club watching the guy who does all the sound effects from the police academy movies. And he is not funny,"

First of all, she did not know his name. That hurt. And then she did not think hearing a guy make creaking door sounds, machine guns, laser guns, the beeps, creeps and bleeps, and finally the kung fu movie sound effects was not funny? I do not understand this.

I expressed my jealousy and told her that Michael Winslow is more than just the "police academy guy." He is also the spaceballs guy as well as the voice of Gizmo, and she should understand that. She called me a dork for knowing his name.

Of course, all of this happened while Hurricane Ike pummeled Houston. I was distraught at the documentary and disappointed that my wife did not appreciate Michael Winslow, but the real struggles occurred in Houston where rain and wind flooded and destroyed much of the landscape. Chris has been without power since Friday night at 1 am, and he is not sure when it will be restored.

For those of you who read this and still do not know who Michael Winslow is, here are some pics to help, and for pete's sake watch some police academy movies (I say, stick with the Police Academy 1-4. 5, 6 and Police Academy: Moscow are not nearly as good).

#18 Girl on the Corner

I pulled up to an obscure 4-way stop intersection behind my office building this morning. A young girl stood on the corner talking on her cell phone. When I came to a complete stop and looked to the right I noticed she was about 10 feet away from my car and she was visibly upset. I needed to turn left so I was watching as a line of cars came from that direction, waiting for my chance to pull into traffic. The girl thought I was staring at her, which I was not. She took the phone from her ear and started yelling at me. I could not exactly hear her, but she said something like, "What the hell are you looking at! Get out of here!"

At first I was not certain she was talking to me. I kept my attention focused past her at the traffic so I could make my turn. Then it became obvious she was talking to me. She approached my window crying and cussing.

I was not sure what to do. I could not pull out into traffic and I was not going to back up. I did not want her to start hitting my car, but I was also not going to get out and explain to her that I was monitoring traffic for a safe entrance into the street, not staring at her emotionally distressed phone conversation.

I pointed to the traffic and yelled, "I'm just trying to drive here! Chill the f--- out!" She did not hear me. She yelled at me for a few moments until I had an opening and I drove off. I looked into my rearview mirror and she had the phone back up to her ear, no doubt explaining to the person on the other end what a piece of sh-t I was.

# 17 Basketball Memory

In junior high Craig, Chris and I tried out for the basketball team. I cannot remember if Dugat did or not. Anyway, during one of the drill's Craig shot the ball and it went clean over the backboard. Everyone laughed. Later we shot free throws and Craig shot an airball. Everyone laughed. After the first day of tryouts Craig decided not to come back, even though we told him he should. He recognized his lack of basketball talent and cut his losses early. Chris and I stayed through the rest of tryouts and had to learn the hard way that we were not going to make the team.

After the teams were posted on the coaches door Chris and I discovered that Bill Going made the team. This is ridiculous because Bill Going was not a good basketball player and only made the team because of his twin brother. The unfairness was difficult to endure.

Speaking of Bill, he contacted Chris through facebook. He requested to be his friend. I think this is funny. It is our junior high dances all over again. He always seems to find us. So, fair warning for all who read this. Be careful of Facebook. You may reveal yourself to the likes of Bill Going.

#16 Worst Thing Ever

L. and I decided to take advantage of the nice weather Tyler has been having. We took Polly for a walk around our neighborhood. Things started out pleasant enough. We passed a few couples with their pets, trying to explain to them that we were not mean parents, just that our Daschund whined all the time. We saw kids playing in the street, and occasionally we would hear one of them yell "Hey, there's a weiner dog!" That was nice.

But then we came across the worst thing ever. It was a sight that angered me so much that I had to spit out the whiskey and coke I had just been sipping. It was a group of four defenseless kittens sitting near the steps of one of our neighbors porches. They looked similar to the ones featured here, just a few weeks younger.

Just looking at this picture makes me mad. And I do not understand why our neighbor must have 4 of them running around my neighborhood. It is disgusting and inconsiderate.

#15 Bathroom Trouble

At a work party a couple of weeks ago an employee joked about how she shares a wall with the men's bathroom, and how much of a problem that is. She basically determined that men are gross and she hates that throughout her day she is forced to hear the worst possible noises. We laughed at her and I said something gross about how I was going to yeehaw next time I went to the bathroom so that she would know it was me.

I was in the bathroom today (#1, not #2) and I sneezed. I heard her say through the wall, "Bless you."

Here is the dilemma: There is a phenomenon that occurs for men in public bathrooms. When someone else is within earshot of a man's exrecmentation, that man's ass makes a lot of noise. If a man is alone at home, there is silence. I am not sure why this is the case, but it is truth. I was fine using the bathroom before because my ass did not know there was someone within earshot. Now I know and I worry that I will be forced to yeehaw next time I go to the bathroom.

#14 The Sheets

Before L. and I go to bed each night she rearranges the blanket and sheet in order to match them up properly to avoid bunching. I learned this week that I take this for granted. She is out of town, and on Monday night when I was ready for bed I simply jumped under the covers and went to sleep. 3 or 4 times during the night I discovered parts of me under only the sheet, while other parts of me were being scratched up by our blanket. I shuffled my legs to correct the problem, but that caused the sheet to bunch up. I went through this annoying routine several times throughout the night and discovered I was cranky when I awoke.

Last night I took the covers off and rearranged them and slept wonderfully. So, the moral of the story is do not take your wife for granted. Or else, learn how to rearrange your own damn covers.

#13

L. and I watched 2 aussie movies this weekend, 1 new and 1 old. The new movie we watched was Ned Kelly. It felt like the writer/director crew attempted to make another Braveheart style of movie. It is a long epic about a local hero who defies the curropt Victorian Coppers in the name of the people. The movie was fine and somewhat slow. However, the ending is nowhere near as powerful as Braveheart. Instead, Ned wears a silly costume and walks around and it is very weird. Check it out if you have time. Chris will not necessarily enjoy this one, but you do not need him there to make it entertaining.

The second movie we watched is an old movie called Gallipoli. It is directed by Peter Weir (The Truman Show, Dead Poet's Society), but it is old. Mel Gibson is in it. I am so happy I made L. watch this movie. It looked old and the Austrailian supporting cast was not good. The movie is slow, but there is something about it that was entertaining for me. Perhaps it is because Mel is in it. Perhaps it is because I like long boring old movies more than the next guy. It is possible the infusion of crappy technotronic music made the film more interesting for me. Anyway, the thing is long and I cannot endorse it to anyone otherwise you would never give credence to my movie reviews again. But know, on some level I enjoyed this movie. Chris would make this movie more fun to watch, but it would piss him off to make him watch it.

Been listening to Aqualung recently. A great album. 1 of the songs combines a flute solo with chanting. This is the sort of bold music writing I can appreciate from Ian Anderson, even though I feel silly listening to it now. Wondr'ing Aloud has a great line in it: "And it's only the giving that makes you what you are..."

#12 The Leisel Laugh

I went into a business today and the woman I spoke with had a funny sounding laugh. Reminded me of this girl I went on a date with in college named Leisel. The laugh sounds oddly similar to the noise Wesley and Buttercup make when they emerge from the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp. Instead of being a long drawn out inhaled breath of air, the laugh is more choppy and rhythmic. It is not a pleasant sound.

This caused a particular problem for me and Leisel because I am so funny. With each joke I smoothly delivered she inflicted her terrible laughter on everyone in the restaurant. Finally, enough was enough.

She called me after a few days and insisted that we go out. I reluctantly agreed. On her way over Chris suggested that I tell her I cannot hang out with someone who sounds like they are gasping freakishly for air every time I say something funny (which is frequently). I decided to end it before it could get started.

I sat her down on our porch amidst the broken glass and cigarette butts. She wore a nice, black dress. I told her I could not see her anymore. She asked me why..that she thought we had fun together. I looked her square in the eyes and told her I was not ready to see anyone seriously, that I was too fragile over my last break up. I could not tell her about the laugh. I was weak. She left confused and upset. I went inside, made a drink and probably watched a crappy movie with Chris.

SuperStar Showdown

This week we match up two who may not seem like they should be matched up at all. Well, believe me, they do.

We have:

Paul Reiser

vs

Dennis Deyoung

Enough Said!

#11 The Mutant X Gene

I recently watched all of the X-Men movies and like most people enjoyed the superpower aspect of the story, even though I thought some of the mutant genes were strange (for instance Cyclops, or Gay-ser Beam as I like to call him, has a strange eye laser that shoots from his face). The movie got me thinking about mutations and I have a theory that humans today have mutant genes present in their DNA. If we were to mate with someone with similar powers, the resulting children would have a stronger form of that gene. The powers are not as interesting and far-fetched as the comic, and 99% of people's mutant gene would not warrant a superhero name or even a better life. But I believe these genes are present within each of us, and the trick is to identify it and embrace it.

For instance (and I am going to get shit for bringing this up), I have a mutant gene that I am not sure you guys are aware of. I do not wear, or need to wear deodorant. My body does not react the same to sweat under my arms as it does for other people. The bacteria that cause the BO smell for most people do not thrive in my armpits. I have not worn deodorant consistently since high school, and that was because in 4th period soccer class I had to put some on otherwise my power would be revealed and I would have been labeled a disgusting freak.

I have embraced my power, and realize that I am special. I can see how if I reproduced with the right people, and our kids reproduced with the right people, our offspring would one day (in a million years or so) might actually evolve so far as to have pleasant smelling farts. And wouldn't that be an interesting superpower...

I believe everyone has a mutant X gene. I do not want to presume to know what your specific mutant power is, though for some of you I have an idea, (Chris: an unusually large threshold for bad TV. Craig: Third or Fourth generation Snoring Monster. Tiffany: Her body can transform beer into working nutrients and lose weight at the same time).

Let us know by commenting here what your mutant power is, or if you know someone else's power, you can reveal that as well. This way we can know who should be reproducing with who to form unique superheroes in the future.

#10 Detention

I would like to begin with a decent movie L. and I watched over the weekend called Penelope. It stars Christina Ricci, who I have a crush on despite the largeness of her forhead (or fivehead). It is a modern fairy tale that is charming and for the most part entertaining. Not sure this one is going to bring down the house, but it is a decent movie, and you will not need Chris to watch it.



On the same night we also watched a movie called Zoom: Academy for Superheroes. This has Tim Allen and was a complete waste of time. Well, maybe not a complete waste of time...there was a Biff siting early in the film, and I certainly appreciated that. Biff is getting up there in years, but it made me happy to know he is still alive and in the business. Chevy Chase was also in the movie, but seeing him did not have the same effect. His acting was creepy, and I did not like it. Don't get me wrong, his acting was still better than Kiefer in 24, but not good enough to warrant watching this movie, unless Chris is there and you have a large bottle of whiskey to share.



I want to add a feature to this catalog of worthlessness that I think will be interesting. I do not have a name for it but it is going to be a small list of memories I have from Childhood that you guys may or may not remember. It is possible I remember stuff slightly differently than it really happened, and if this is the case feel free to chime in and let me know what you remember:



* In junior high Chris, Dugat, Chris Dupree and I played tag in the hallway between classes. Anytime we saw each other we were forced to run, just in case that person was it and trying to tag you. I am pretty sure we looked stupid running from each other in the hallways and I am also sure we got a detention or two as a result (All the detentions I got in Junior High were because of Dugat by the way)



* Speaking of Detention, in our 6th grade yearbook Craig is only in 1 picture other than his mug shot. It is a pic of detention with an article about bad kids and punishments. Craig is the largest figure in the picture sitting at a table by himself in the lunchroom.



* I remember the day Craig and I learned to play quarters. Mark arrived home with a friend (I cannot remember his name but he bit a hole in a beer can) and played quarters with us until they left to go out. This was the first night of drinking games in my life. We made silly rules, like the run around the couch before drinking rule, which incidentally did not work too well. We did not like the taste of beer so we brought pieces of bread to chase the beer down with. I can't remember who, but one of us threw up after drinking a sip of beer and eating a piece of bread. I think it may have been me. Later that same night we rigged a ping pong table out of of the dining room table and we used children's books as our paddles.

#9 Which Spouse Is It?

The Spouse Game. Okay...thank you for all the wonderful submissions. Even though not everyone sent me one, I had a good time reading through them. So here is the story that won:

Oh wait, there is no story because I did not receive 1 submission. Obviously this game was not meant for this crowd. I have learned my lesson. I am going to stick with games that do not require participation, such as Super Star Showdown.

This week most of you will be intrigued to see showcased two of the best TV action stars of the last two decades. While both are tough and certainly cool, only 1 can win this weeks Superstar Showdown. So, the question tied to these two legends is this: Which of the two shows (CSI Miami or Walker Texas Ranger) is more unwatchable?

Caruso

vs

Chuck Norris

This question is not easily answered, as I have been forced to sit through each show at least once. Caruso is damn near impossible to watch as he stands erect like skinny rooster. He tilts his head and says the worst lines imaginable. It is truly unbearable (Chris, I know you disagree). But Walker Texas Ranger seems like the show is written by a twelve year old. The plots are predictable and the flying roundhouse kicks come a little too often.

Both shows drive me crazy, but I am going to have to pick Walker Texas Ranger as my winner. I cannot watch that thing at all.

#8 Idiot's Luggage

"1,2,3,4,5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

Every morning I pull into our gated parking lot here at work and type in our combination: 1,2,3,4. As the gate slowly opens I hear the words of Dark Helmet in the back of my mind. It is a great way to start my morning.

Yesterday it came to my attention that the Dugats have not yet seen the movie, "Fletch". It is time for someone to remedy that. Can we get those two a copy of Fletch, please! Until then, this is all that I can offer:

"Moon River...Using the whole fist, doc?"

#7 The Lost Boys

This weekend L. and I watched a couple of films that need to be discussed. First we saw Lucky You, with Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore. I went into this movie thinking it was a romantic comedy. It sort of was, but it was more a poker movie. And it had a lot of poker in it. The movie was okay, but I would not spend money to watch it.

The other movie we watched was The Lost Boys. I made L. watch this, and I am very glad I did. Though the movie is not as cool as I remembered it, I enjoyed the nostalgic value. Here are a couple of things I noticed that are important:

* Bill S. Preston Esquire is in the movie.

* There is a sweaty saxophone player in it.

* Kiefer is young and still can't act, though he is much better than his acting as Jack Bauer.

* Corey Feldman is terrible and all of his lines suck.

* We get to see hard rockin' vampires explode and stuff.

See Bill?

It is definitely worth seeing, but I suggest watching this one with Chris. It will be more fun that way.

An update on Doodle: Stephen came to Tyler to pick Belle up. Last night we released the cats from the back room, careful to make sure Doodle did not attack Polly again. If he did, we vowed to make him an outside cat. So far things seem to be back to normal, which means we are not pushing so hard to get rid of the cats. I know that makes all of you happy.

#6 Freshman Cody

Cody begins college in less than a month, and has recently met his roommate to be. For the longest time Cody has expressed his desire to move out of the house; to go to college and be on his own. This is an emotion we have all felt. That time is approaching and he is now getting nervous. He worries because Beverly tells him how tough college is, that he will need to focus his energy on his studies so that school does not overwhelm him. He does not want to fail or let down his family.

Several summers ago Craig and I shot a documentary on Cody. In it he discusses with Craig how much he wants to go to college and how he wants to take a girl to get a burger and see a movie. I am proud of Cody for graduating high school and going to college, and I look forward to cataloging his experiences for you guys. So, if you see Cody be sure to wish him luck. If you do not see him, just know that for the next few years he will be in college. Let's hope he does not meet a Billy Bible or a Sambo.

Superstar Showdown:
We have another superstar showdown this week. Between these two classic stars, tell me your thoughts on who had the largest effect on your development as a person. For me, the answer is not a simple one. Both had their place in my life and both did excellent jobs of entertaining me. However, for the superstar showdown I must choose between...





Bobcat





and





Ernest





...and I choose Ernest. Bobcat had too many movies where he and his crappy voice annoyed me beyond the point of enjoyment. Ernest, though his naivete and gullability are equally annoying, he had a boyish charm and the ability to make funny faces that never failed to entertain. He was also good at talking to the camera and calling me Verne, which I always appreciated. Bobcat was once the voice of a talking Donkey (or was it a mule?), and that movie almost killed me.

Who wins for you? Go to http://playingostrich.blogspot.com
to post your comments.

5...Full Kilt Ahead?

I discovered this article on the KLTV website. Not sure what to think of this. A guy seriously petitioned to have Kilts as an official mail carrier uniform, citing comfort as his rationale. If L. ever brought me home a Kilt (which I hope she would not do) I would ONLY wear it while watching Braveheart.



Postman Campaigns For Kilts To Be Accepted As Job Attire
Although his idea was soundly defeated at the National Letter Carriers' Association convention last month, Dean Peterson is going "full kilt" ahead.
The 6-foot-tall, 250-pound postman from Washington state is campaigning for the right to take off his pants on the job. He wants the U.S. Postal Service to add kilts as a uniform option for men.
Peterson, who is not of Scottish ancestry, began wearing kilts a couple years ago when his wife brought one back from a trip to Scotland. He now wears them everywhere -- to one son's football games, the other son's concerts, shopping and gardening.
His big reason for pushing kilts for work: comfort. Peterson says with his build, his thighs fill his trousers to capacity, causing chafing and scarring.

4...Where's Jethro Tull?

Liz and I went to a party this last weekend at the house of a co-worker. Her husband, named Kevin, had the largest music collection I had ever seen. He had two walls covered in jewel cases full of music, organized in alphabetical order. Needless to say, I was impressed.



So I perused the shelves, curiously looking at the bands this guy proudly showcased in his home. I found Pearl Jam, of course. I noticed Led Zeppelin. He had Celine Dion, which I thought was strange, but whatever. He had The Cure, even a couple of albums Liz did not have. He had Alanis. But when I went to look for Jethro Tull, they were no where to be found. I thought to myself he must have misfiled them under the T's, thinking that it was a guy and Tull was his last name (Though we all know there is only 1 true Tull in this world). It was not there either. I was crushed. He claims to care about music, but he does not have the "Mozart of Rock & Roll" (term coined by my friend and guitar teacher, Wally).



Anyway, I will no longer go to his house.



Okay, enough about that. It is time to explain the Spouse Game. Basically, I need anyone who looks at this to send me an email...a story of something funny and stupid their spouse has done. Make it a good story, but not necessarily one that will start an argument. If any and every story will start an argument, then send me the best and most outrageous one. I will sort through the stories and post my favorite, making sure to take out all the names and identifying features. After it is posted, I want everyone to post in the comments who they think the story is about. The first to correctly identify the protagonist of the story wins a prize. It may be a lame prize, but it will be a prize nonetheless. So, make sure the story is not one we have all heard before (i.e. young person dives down stairs wearing an Ewok mask). Obviously, if your story is chosen you cannot win the prize. Sound like fun? Just make sure to send me stories, otherwise I will be forced to post one about Liz, and then she will be mad at me for a long time...



My email address is hboydston@kltv.com

3..."Duh, I want to pet the rabbit, George."

Over the weekend Liz and I watched a couple of movies. So, now it is time for Movie Review Monday. The first film we watched was Bandidas. If you do not know this one, it is the Western with Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. The movie's weak story and overuse of cheesy Spanish music almost make it intolerable to watch. However, cat fights between Selma and Penelope kept me interested just enough for Steve Zahn to make it into the film, at which point we get the best scene of the whole project: A Mexican Midget taking photos of a naked Steve Zahn while Penelope and Selma pose provocatively wearing skimpy showtune attire. All in all it is worth seeing, but would be much better to see this one with Chris.

The next film we watched was Lucky Number Slevin. It starts off strange and confusing, with a lot of bloodshed where we did not know who was dying or why they were dying. As the film reveals what is going on the story gets more interesting. Morgan Freeman and Sir Ben Kingsley are great, and Josh Hartnett is not bad either. The ending makes the movie worthwhile. You will not need Chris to watch this one. It is worth seeing.

The final movie of the weekend was Superhero Movie. Liz and I made it 25 minutes into the thing before we decided laundry was a more interesting way to spend our time. Not sure I could have watched this even if Chris was there, and I was able to watch The Gingerdead Man with Chris. My offical word, do not see.

I have been watching Belle for the last week and discovered something interesting. She is the first animal, or inanimate object, I have not assigned the voice of an old, African American man. Instead, she clucks like Goofy, and speaks like the Abominable Snowman in the Bugs Bunny cartoon. "Just what I always wanted, my own little bunny rabbit. I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him..."

2...Parking Next To Shit

A construction site lined the rear of our employee parking lot with Port-a-Potties. There were not enough spaces available for me to avoid parking next to someone's shit. I am not happy about this.

I would like to introduce the first ever Superstar Showdown. All you have to do is choose which of the two is sexier. Should be easy, right?

This week we have:

Kelly Lebrock (Lisa in Weird Science)

vs

Julia Montgomery (Chick in Revenge of the nerds)

Stay tuned next week for The Spouse Game.

1...Trouble With Cat

I would like to begin with an important issue, something I need help with. It is no secret I have no love for 2 cats anymore. The love and appreciation drained from me each time they scratched my furniture or vomited on my carpet. Yesterday one of them, Doodle, attacked my dog. He caused her to bleed and he caused my wife to cry. I am now officially done. I am fine with dropping him off in a strange neighborhood with no collar. However, my wife does not want to do anything that could cause him or Jezzabelle harm or possible distress...though she shares my lack of love for the two animals.

At what point are we cruel? It almost feels like no matter what we do we are wrong. If we keep them, we are not going to be friendly to them anymore. If we get rid of them something bad is going to happen, because few people like cats. We were dumb 8 years ago when we got them, and now there is no choice but to live with them, or live with the guilt that we caused their death.

What can we do?